When the world crumbles, laugh at celebrities.

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When all else fails, make fun of celebrities. In the dysfunctional dinner date of life with news junkies, pop culture is dessert. Just as I can’t tear myself away from reading every drop about the latest act of horror, I turn my attention to Gwen Stefani’s video of self indulgence and am surprised by the smile creeping across my sour face. Yes, Gwen selling her sordid family secrets for a hit, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Thinking of her nine year old son watching this video also gives me joy. “It’s, like, art!” says Gwen.

Gwen, you valley girl of contradictions, I remember when I used to love you. It was a brief, fleeting love, like a one-night stand with Blake Shelton, satisfying but so embarrassing. You know the kind, you wake up and spy the tribal arm tattoo and you just want to cry.

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Gwen Stefani, surprise step-mom to British It-Girl, Daisy Lowe

I did not dig Gwen’s premiere hit, “Don’t Speak,” her pouty song lamenting the demise of her high school romance with band mate Tony Kanal. It struck me as silly and the world knew that Gwen and her six-pack could do better. And she did. Kind of. Gwen moved onto Gavin Rossdale, grunge’s whipping boy. They trudged along with Gwen’s red lips, Gavin’s man-bun, and a few failed attempts at reviving No Doubt. Gavin made the amateur tennis circuit rounds and played small arenas hushing people that dared to speak during “Machinehead.” Their marriage even survived the realization  that Gavin was the biological father of Britian’s favorite bad-girl-It Girl, Daisy Lowe. Wowza.

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Man-bun-√; Hot nanny-√

But, we all know how this one ends: attractive nanny enters home, has-been rocker pulls a Jude Law and allegedly boffs pretty nanny. The rest is pop-music history and resulted in a big hit for Gwen. Thanks Gavin.

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I don’t know what’s sadder- that Scott Weiland died at 48 or that nobody seemed surprised. I winced as journalists reported his death with a matter-of-fact sincerity. Okay, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Stone Temple Pilots, but the man was a pure rock star. He dripped sex, decadence, style and charm. And, if my obsession with Kurt Cobain had allowed it, I bet I would have been a Stone Temple Pilots fan.

I care that Scott Weiland died. I loved “Sour Girl” and thought of it as one of my anthems in 2000. I appreciated Weiland’s beauty and yes, his cheekbones. Those cheekbones were jagged daggers of beauty, those cheekbones could pierce your veins. Scott never lost his coolness, he never stumbled into “Celebrity Rehab,” never had a televised intervention, an unsightly weight gain or an embarrassing stab at acting. No, he penned a fine autobiography, Not Dead & Not for Sale that chronicled a sexual assault at 12 that probably contributed to a life stained with substance abuse and failed relationships. Scott tried; he was a father of two teenagers and thrice married. This Christmas, I plan on adding Weiland’s Christmas album, The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, to my holiday music.

 

I only speak in euphemisms and hyperbole. The Emmys: A cure for my insomnia.

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I only speak in euphemisms and hyperbole.My goal is to be as honest as I possibly can be without sounding like I’m being honest. Euphemisms offer a more dignified approach to explain everyone’s problems while hyperbole satisfies my desire to shock people. I’m embarking on a one-woman crusade for civilized banter. I beg of the world, can’t we do better than “this sucks” and “I’m bored?” Yes, life does indeed suck, but let’s dig a little deeper into our treasure trove of nasty words to bestow upon people and things that do suck.

Cheap: Frugal.

Addict: Troubled

Crazy: Fragile

Lost in life: Undecided

Promiscuous: Over-trusting 

Eccentric: Annoying

Fat: Out-of-shape

Rednecks: Uncultured

Cheated: Strayed

Brat: Feisty

Words get so sticky while we all share space in the politically conscious world of half-truths. But don’t fret, I don’t want to be honest about anything truly important, just about pop music and celebrities.

Oh no, not even Sandberg can revive this one.

Oh no, not even Sandberg can revive this one.

Shall I attempt honesty with The 2015 Emmys? The Emmys were fantastically dull, but finally, I finally found a cure for my insomnia:an Emmys broadcast.

Claire Danes, the only natural breasts in Hollywood.

Claire Danes, the only natural breasts in Hollywood.

I am bonkers over Claire Danes, but after seeing her on the red carpet, my discomfort and anxiety mounted: is Claire frighteningly thin? Doesn’t she know that she is required to stay healthy to save a  middle-aged Jordan Catalano? I feel better today, I think that Claire just appears thin because she is one of the few stars without breast implants.

Natasha Lyonne & Fred Armisen come out as a couple of cool cats in love. I have nothing but praise for these two complicated lovers. I enjoy a juicy rehabilitation story and am fond of anyone involved with Saturday Night Live.

Procreate, please.

Procreate, please.

Elisabeth Moss of “Mad Men” was married to Armisen for eight months. Moss went on to term the marriage as “extremely traumatic and awful and horrible.” After their sour divorce, Armisen dated a new favorite of mine, Abby Elliott of SNL and Bravo’s “Odd Mom Out.” This funny man gets the ladies. A sense of humor goes a long way.

1I’ve been in love with Natasha Lyonne since she starred in 1998’s classic coming-of-age film,  “The Slums of Beverly Hills.” In 2005, in the throes of serious drug addiction, Lyonne created her own slum in Michael Rapaport’s apartment. Lyonne’s drug-hazed odyssey resulted in open heart surgery and a booming comeback.

These are my people. Now, how do I get invited to one of their dinner parties?

This man could crawl right into my world. Jon Hamm

Hamm can crawl right into my world.

Jon Hamm, do not change one thing.

I savored every step of Hamm’s much-deserved win for playing Don Draper of “Mad Men.” This man is a delicious specimen of flesh, muscle and brain.

Hamm did not walk the red carpet, probably because of the uncomfortable questions he would be asked about his recent split with his girlfriend of 18 years, Jennifer Westfeldt.

This movie could cause a breakup.

This movie could cause a breakup.

Gosh, what a shock! An 18 year romance that does not end happily ever after. The breakup is probably more due to Hamm having to star in Westfeldt’s Friends with Kids. That one was a self-indulgent stinker!

Knowing that Jon Hamm has a dark side and recently completed a stint in rehab only makes me love him more.

Rhode Island Sweeps the Emmys

It was a big night for Rhode Island (how many time can I write that?) at The Emmys. Central Falls-raised local superhero Viola Davis and Rhode Islander Richard Jenkins both won Emmys.

Culpo, Rhode Island native, lover of Nick Jonas, fainter.

Culpo, Rhode Island native, lover of Nick Jonas, fainter.

And, not to be forgotten: Little Rhody’s very own Olivia Culpo, Nick Jonas’ ex-love and a former Miss Universe, also had an unforgettable showing as an Emmys commentator. She pulled a Kathleen and nearly collapsed on the red carpet while talking fashion with E! News.  As a fainter myself, I understand, I have been there. Empty stomach, too much partying, it’s hard to stand up straight. Poor Olivia, I would be fainting from hysteria over not dating Nick Jonas anymore. Girl, faint your little heart out.

P.S. , Tracy Morgan is back and he is fantastic, Terrence Howard is frighteningly crazy and Peter Dinklage is unstoppable.

T. Swizzle struts her ego, Loudon Wainwright tickles the soul, Jason Isbell rocks my world. Can I sleep now?

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The rock-n-roll segment of my summer started with a safe blow to my insomnia-plagued head. In seven days, I saw Loudon Wainwright III,  Jason Isbell and Taylor Swift play in three different New England cities. I also checked out the Judd Apatow/Amy Schumer hub of hilarity “Trainwreck”. All were entertaining, but a certain pop princess was a bit of a letdown.

Keep to the singing, T. Swizzle.

Keep to the singing, T. Swizzle. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Taylor Swift Doesn’t Break a Sweat

It pains me to report, and I know that 59,998 of my fellow Gillette Stadium Swifties would disagree, but I give Taylor’s mediocre performance a rating of blasé. Girlfriend has the gift for gab, but doesn’t have anything substantial to say. Her pandering psychobabble of positivity and fan-loving was an insult to the audience’s intelligence and to her fan base’s age. For every seven-year-old sipping a Sprite, there was another 22-year-old sucking down a $14 margarita. Taylor, if you looked less at your mammoth-sized reflection in the jumbotron and more of your audience, you would notice. Your bangs are banging, get on with the show.

This is pop?

This is pop?

Swift sounded great, her voice improves with each album, but I was bored. In between songs and to assist with her many costume changes (wow, another really short pair of shorts and a sparkly top!), the crowd was subjected to a running loop of Taylor’s squad talking about….Taylor! Lena Dunham thinks that Taylor is such an asset to NYC, Victoria’s Secret models’ Kloss and Aldridge find the paparazzi so invasive, and they all concur…Taylor just adores cats. Gosh, give me Madonna feigning oral sex on a back-up dancer any day.

Art is supposed to move you, to make you think of something other than T. Swizzle’s prettiness and forced approachability. Could America’s national treasure actually be dull?

Loudon Wainwright & Jason Isbell Give Me Faith in Humanity

Familial love. How may redheads does it take to kidnap Loudon Wainwright III?

Familial love. How may redheads does it take to kidnap Loudon Wainwright III?

Loudon Wainwright III and Jason Isbell moved me; each made me ponder lost love, death and lust. At the Courthouse Center for the Arts, Loudon played a delightful set of classics and a new funny ode to the thought that as bad as life can be, it can always be worse, “It’s Not Gaza.” My brother, sister and I stormed Loudo’s back stage room to get another photo to add to our treasure trove. While there, Loudon summarized our existence with these choice words, “these Morrisons are real Loudheads.” Hell, we’ve been called worse.

I have nothing but love for Jason Isbell.

I have nothing but love for Jason Isbell.

Jason Isbell’s latest album “Something More Than Free” is currently the No. 1 country, rock and folk album. This former Drive By Trucker is the real deal. I missed his Newport Folk Festival performance because I was busy checking my watch at the T.Swizzle show, but check out NPR’s broadcast. His voice is lushly gritty and his tales of new-found sobriety, a failed marriage and a fresh love are gorgeous. He played for well over 2 1/2 hours at the New Haven’s College Street Music Hall. It was sonic bliss.

Cinematic gold.

Cinematic gold.

Almost as much as I love good music, I adore a girl behaving badly. Amy Schumer does just that in Trainwreck”. She unabashedly boozes, smokes, sleeps around and is turned off by commitment, children, sports and affection. She untimately finds her way, but her journey is terrific. Her love interest, played by Bill Hader, is an accurate portrayal of a geeky doctor looking for love and acceptance with a girl like Amy. A girl that I’d love to know.

I’m gonna wasted-shame a rock star.

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It’s a battle to maintain a blog when chunks of your life keep falling from the cracks in your glass ceiling. I’ve been in the trenches, but spring has sprung and more importantly, there’s been another rock star citing in Rhode Island!

Evan Dando, 1993.
Evan Dando, one of People’s Sexiest Men, 1993.

Warning: Please be advised that I do not judge the following bad behavior, and I understand the hypocrisy of wasted- shaming anyone, but it’s a rock star and they are fair game. It was fair for you to wasted-shame me during my 90s tsunami of questionable choices, especially fair for my behavior at that Afghan Whigs show, hot damn, that one was a doozy! I must do what I must do and the following account of a has-been rocker and his sloppy performance is mean spirited, but true.

in 1994, I found Juliana Hatfield's home phone number and called her. Repeatedly.
in 1994, I found Juliana Hatfield’s home phone number and called her. Repeatedly.

I recently caught the Julian Hatfield Three at the Columbus Theatre in Providence, RI. The show was fun; the band got the memo and played the entire Become What You Are album. Juliana did not disappoint, she was dark and brooding while irresistibly adorable. Little fact about Juliana: She’s from Duxbury, MA. My college roomate was also from Duxbury and I engaged in a little Juliana Hatfield- phone harassment in college. I did this kind of thing a lot on college and high school.

The opening band was Potty Mouth, an uninspiring all-girl band heavily influenced by Nirvana. Okay, maybe they weren’t that bad, but I researched them and they all met at Smith College and I suffer from a syndrome called “Smith College college- envy”. My Sylvia Plath obsession leads me to be wrought with emotions over goofing off in high school and not having a shot in hell of going to Smith College. Anyway, Potty Mouth’s guitarist was pretty and I watched as her sloshed, attractive, older-looking roadie beau helped the band with the heavy lifting. I use the term “boyfriend” just because sloshed-aging-roadie guy was affectionate with this well-educated guitar player.

Supermodels always fare better than rock stars in the post-heroin days.
Supermodels always fare better than rock stars in the post-heroin days.

 

During Juliana’s performance, hot-roadie-guy kept interjecting drunken babble in between songs with an air of authority and reverence. Who was this asshole? Well, it took a moment, but much to my surprise and horror, I realized that this man was Evan Dando of The Lemonheads. You remember him, right? It’s a Shame about Ray, Into your Arms, starring role in Heavy, ex-lover to both Courtney love and Kate Moss, rehab-frequent flyer with a privileged background and a bad attitude? I once LOVED him, he owns all the bad qualities that I am attracted to in a man. He’s still swoon-worthy, but ouch, how the mighty fall hard when they fall.

 

Courtney and I have similar taste in men.
Courtney and I have similar taste in men.

At the end of the show, I wanted to ask Dando for a photograph for my Christmas card, but it was not clear if he was able to stand up properly. He had such a tight grasp on his little lady’s waste that I thought it best not to bother him. I did shake his hand and inform him that I am a fan. He looked startled, wasted and possibly a little embarrassed.

Oh Evan, it’s okay, it’s all good. You’re still beautiful and you’ve still got a way with the ladies. I see that Dando’s recent tour dates have been cancelled due to ill health. Get better Evan; you’re still one of the coolest Massholes I know.

XO

My therapist is concerned about my fake stab at positivity, so here is my list of all that is rotten.

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Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.
Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.

I suffered a temporary lapse of judgment, why go good when I do bad so well? A bitter freckled face can’t change her spots, I present my list of wretchedness and rot:

Celebrities griping about their offspring being photographed: The worst celebrity crusade, founded by outrageously overpaid actor Halle Berry, is the anti-paparazzi bill passed by the California state assembly. Backed by phonies like Kristen Bell, man-child Dax Shepherd and perpetually sour-faced Jennifer Garner, it reeks of hypocrisy. While it was amusing to watch Jen Garner sob while passionately speaking about  her children’s privacy being ravaged, the whole thing stinks. Celebrities, stop naming your children silly words, touting your body- after- baby transformations, shilling your kids’ first baby pictures to national magazines and touting the inflated wonders of breastfeeding, and we’ll stop looking at your brats’ pictures in the tabloids.

Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.
Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.

Also, we all know that these same stars will be peddling their kids to us in eleven years when they push them into the family biz, so can’t we get it over with now? Let’s get the Oscar shot so that we can all ooh and awe over it when little Violet Affleck lands her first plum movie role.

The iPhone Epidemic at Concerts: Have you been to a

Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.
Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.

rock show recently? I have and the iPhone has ruined the experience. Kiddos, here is a novel idea: you can remember the show in your mind! Please, take one or two photos and put your phone away. What are these millennials going to do with 148 pictures of people watching a concert?

Can we create baby decorum?
Can we create baby decorum?

Stop the baby mania: Let’s all agree that being a woman is tough work in 2015, whether you have zero or seven children, so for Christ’s sake, people, stop asking women when and if they’re going to procreate, really can’t we all cease talking about it at all? I cringe every time an infertile couple is posed with the question, “So, when will there be a baby in the extra room?” Um, maybe after we murder you and store your remains in there. Or, “So, are you having any more children?” inquired of the mom I know just suffered a miscarriage.And, not every woman wants to have a baby, can we ever accept this?

If you’re not getting it on with the person with which you’re discussing procreating, stop asking the questions.

My kid’s short, and your kid is annoying: My son, much like

I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.
I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.

my husband and me, is vertically challenged. I know this because I am not blind, his doctor confirmed my observation, and every other concerned parent wants to inform me of his visible shortness. I am the boy’s mother, doesn’t he already have enough issues? Must everybody remind him how small he is? Please, stop, or just know that while you are commenting on his height, I am trying to figure out how many pounds you should lose.

Mark, once a tool, always a tool.
Mark, once a tool, always a tool.

Mark Wahlberg is a humorless masshole: Yes, are you sitting down? I am a Massachusetts-bred Mark Whalberg hater. I know he’s been in some good movies and that he can act, but I can’t look at his lopsided smile, cowboy gait and insincere looks of sincerity. Every journalist tells horror stories about his rudeness, he tries to bury his Funky Bunch roots (probably his best work-to-date) and he is always talking about what his devout Catholicism. Such a phony, such a bore.

Skinny jeans are the new mom jeans: Are skinny jeans out of style yet? I remember Kate Moss wearing them at least ten years ago, they meandered their way to middle America and we’ve been left looking at women’s muffin-tops ever since. Ugh, I tried, I have a slew of unworn skinny jeans sitting in a drawer just waiting for me to proclaim defeat and give to goodwill. I can’t rock the skinny jean, that is for sure, but I don’t think I want to. Just go to a big event and count the number of skinny jeans worn with a high boot, it’s become the official uniform of soccer moms, city slickers and country folk. Can we move on, and look into something new?

Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.
Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.

Nothing about Katy Perry interests me. Not her music, nor her religious upbringing, her choice of lovers or her style. There are worse evils out there than Katy, but she bores me to tears. I feel the same way about Selena Gomez, Maroon Five and Ellie Goulding. I’d admit that I can’t keep a straight face when watching a Beyoncé performance, but I’m afraid the Illuminati will attack my family and rob me of my mind.

Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?
Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?

Predictability kills me. Leonardo DiCaprio and his next 24-year old supermodel illicit a yawn as much as Blake Shelton gushing over Miranda Lambert. Waiting for Kristen Stewart to go to rehab is much more fun, maybe one of the soulless Jenner sisters will beat her to it.

Of course, no list of all things rotten would be complete without the Bill Cosbys, Kardashians and football players behaving badly. But that would be really predictable, wouldn’t it?

Please don't tell anyone that I don't know if  like Beyonce. I'm afraid for my life to admit it.
Please don’t tell anyone that I don’t know if like Beyonce. I’m afraid for my life to admit it.
Bill Cosby, lecherous predator.
Bill Cosby, lecherous predator. Phony Hall of Fame recipient.

My therapist is concerned about my negativity, here’s a stab at happiness: Stuff I dig.

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Okay, enough with the constant negativity, no more cantankerous Kathleen, welcome to the spring-influenced Kathleen. I shed my persona of the malaise, apathy and disdain that I cloak it in, and want to share a few of my favorite things.

I'm not usually the princess type.

I’m not usually the princess type.

Lily James in “Cinderella” I can’t remember the last time I was so astounded by an actor’s performance and by their sheer beauty. Lily James’ performance reminded me why I go to the movies: to get lost in the magic of the story. It was refreshing to be moved without being disturbed, and to see a children’s movie without watching some Oscar-nominated actor try to steal every scene by overacting. Hello, Angelina Jolie and her co-starring “Maleficent” prosthetic cheekbones. More Lily James in absolutely everything, please..

Meet Nick Jonas. Now that Justin Timberlake’s temples are

Nick Jonas, the new Justin Timberlake. Yes, I went there.

Nick Jonas, the new Justin Timberlake. Yes, I went there.

graying and he’s baby proofing his palace for his super-human baby with Jessica Biel, allow me to pass his torch to Nick Jonas. Oh, “sacrilegious” you cry? Listen and watch again. Nick Jonas has the voice, the vision and the abs to be a pop sensation contender. He polished his roots in a pretty decent boy band, can play a slew of instruments and is flexing his bad boy muscles for all to salivate over, or is that just me?

Fennel keeps me well-preserved. I eat raw fennel every day,

This picture has me salivating.

This picture has me salivating.

all day long. It’s a fairly expensive habit, but more affordable than some of my nasty young adult addictions. I dig the crunch and the wonders of a vegetable that tastes like black licorice. I’ve been told that it cures an upset stomach, and it does calm me after my daily consumption of gallons of coffee.

Dan Harris, teach me how to meditate.

Dan Harris, teach me how to meditate.

Male newscasters are my new rock stars. Oh, George Stephanopoulos, how I enjoy your full head of ruffled hair, your small stature and smart suits. You’re so well-informed, intelligent and Greek. Let’s not forget about geek-chic Dan Harris, that meditating fox. I suggest that we all go somewhere lovely, order a few extra dry martinis and you can both explain the intricacies of Yemen and I can break down the differences between the Jonas brothers.

It’s a Redhead Riot: I am attracted to gingers, I want to be near

Florence, I want to kiss you, then braid your hair, then drink bourbon with you.

Florence, I want to kiss you, then braid your hair, then drink bourbon with you.

them, I enjoy staring at their hair and wonder if it’s turning white like mine. To be fair, my hair is a bottled red, but it was, at one time, before jadedness and wretchedness crept into my pores, it was a lovely red. Redhead’s hair tends to fade and go white, but who cares? The journey was splendid. Much like my fondness for redheads, I am also enamored of freckles, on both men and women. Yes, I am attracted to redheaded men and maybe even married one. The marriage was brief, but his hair was divine. Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Ron Weasley, I’m talking to you, you are my people.

 

 

I love Elliott Smith in a spiritual sense.

I love Elliott Smith in a spiritual sense.

I love Elliott Smith. His music is timeless beauty drenched in melancholy, grit and heroin, his voice sparkles with delicate touches of longing, depression and humor. Watching Elliott Smith play live was a high in my life, I was so close that I could touch him and he was so fucking good. I can’t believe that he died and every year, I feel my own mortality when the anniversary of his death gets longer and longer. He died twelve years ago and his latest CD, “From a Basement on the Hill, has not moved from my life since. Give it a try, it’s angry and lovely, heart-breaking and life-affirming. It’s Elliott.

Coconut oil will cure what ails you.

Coconut oil will cure what ails you.

Moisturizer is my friend.

I’m taking aging by her wrinkled throat, and I am squeezing the life from her. I will not go down without a Housewives-style fight. I slather my face so heavily that I look like an oil spill. When I wake up in the middle of the night because of my aging bladder, I put on a dollop of whatever moisturizer I’ve got, and I have plenty.

I’m creative with my moisturizer, constantly searching for that fountain of youth. I’ve got the store brands, but I also lubricate my face with coconut oil, olive oil and a blend of vitamin e with essential oils. I’ve applied Vaseline, lemon, yogurt and avocados all over my freckled face. The results are not Jen Aniston, but I think I look younger than Lindsey Lohan.

Therapy. We should all be in therapy, there’s nothing that

I should have been a psychiatrist.

I should have been a psychiatrist.

makes me feel more important and justified. I‘ve seen so many: there was the older gentleman that would cajole me into purchasing expensive handbags because I liked them. He was like a father figure, if my father had absolutely no rules. I’d tell him about a drunken adventure and he’d listen with glee. His office was blanketed in expensive mahogany, and his magazines were top-notch.

I then moved onto a psychologist, a refined, thin, well-maintained woman of a certain age, old-age. She’d try to get at why dressing well was so important to me and chastise me for being so hard on myself. She’d often ask “Do you want to be known as the life of the party?” The true answer is that, yes, I do. Is that a crime?

See, I don’t hate absolutely everything. Next week’s list will include things that I despise and I have a premonition that it will be a bit longer.

xo

Everything I need to know, I learned from The Housewives. Dancing with the Stars is in the gutter.

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Dancing with life's forgotten has-beens.

Dancing with life’s forgotten has-beens.

Another year of Dancing with the Stars? Calling these has-beens or never-weres stars is akin to calling me a pharmacist: My uncle and grandfather were pharmacists and I do enjoy a pill or two, but no, not quite a pharmacist.

The reason to watch this show is to watch Erin Andrews stumble with the English language and to stare at the guests of the “stars”. Ooh, I spy Bruce Willis sitting with his new wife

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

while his ex-wife and known nitrous oxide enthusiast Demi Moore shoots arrows from her dead eyes into their backs. What is it that Demi is clutching? Oh, it’s just her youth.

While I’m being awful, or myself, whatever you want to call it, it’s time to be brutally honest about Erin Andrews. The best thing that ever happened to her career was being spied on and filmed while undressing in hotel. The

Erin Andrews, journalist.

Erin Andrews, journalist.

film was never made public, the pervert was caught and jailed and now America knows and loves Erin Andrews. The only character America loves more than a good victim is a comeback kid. After the invasion of her privacy, Erin became a television personality without finesse, coolness or apparent intelligence, but damn, she is pretty.

The Housewives: My Spiritual & Social Guide

Teresa was practicing for prison.

Teresa was practicing for prison.

The Housewives have taught me how to navigate life while providing me with endless hours of television-viewing pleasure. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned:

More cleavage: Push those breasts up, baby; cleavage is appropriate for each and every social occasion. Children’s birthday party? Get out the push-up bra and show what you spent your ex-husband’s money on.

Don’t give up on what you care about. Housewives are like lice, they’re hard to squash: The world can’t stop a housewife in her climb to fame. Skinny mess and Beverly Hill’s wifey Taylor

Taylor, you'll always have your lips, until they leak.

Taylor, you’ll always have your lips, until they leak.

Armstrong did not allow a little snafu like her husband’s suicide stop her; she continued swilling white wine for the whole next season. She even found some other sucker to take care of her and her daughter. Cheers to her and her fake lips.

Alcohol does not cause weight gain. If you witness the sheer

Brandy, staggering.

Brandy, staggering.

volume of rosé and white wine that these housewives swill, it’s clear that excessive alcohol must not equal weight gain. Brandy Glanville is a great example of this, I’ve never actually watched her consume food, but her alcohol-intake is impressive. Her constant slur is the best thing that has happened to Leanne Rime’s career since Blue came out in 1996. Leanne stole Brandy’s hubby while Brandy was, no doubt, lost in a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately, no amount of cheap stilettos, rented mansions or cheek filler can heal Brandy’s broken heart. She’s a riveting wreck and every moment she’s on shines like the cubic zirconia on in her ears.

Plastic surgery can’t help an ugly soul.

Tamara of O.C. She's crying. I think

Tamara of O.C. She’s crying. I think

Wowza, from the menopause mammas on the O.C. to the botoxed stick figures on Beverly Hills to the butt injected urbanites on Atlanta, these ladies have had some work done. Poor Tamara from the O.C has been through a divorce, death and a custody battle and she’s not been able to frown, her face is permanently cemented into “resting bitch face”.

Vow renewal ceremonies equal impending divorce: The next

I take thee to leave soon.

I take thee to leave soon.

time you’re invited to a vow renewal ceremony, start the divorce clock; because I can assure you, it’s ticking. Vow renewals are good for a few things: ratings on reality shows and temporary forgiveness for a straying mate. New York’s wide-eyed Ramona and her hunky idiot husband Mario appeared so sincere with their customized vows, but the setting was stages: Mario soon left poor Ramona for a woman twenty years his junior.

The always-annoying and aging supermodel Heidi Klum and one-hit-wonder Seal

One day your in love, the next you're not.

One day you are in love, the next you’re not. Klum, you can leave the marriage.

renewed their vows every year, right until their bitter end. I think she gets to keep their cute kids and he keeps the unattractive ones. Seems fair.

Other failed vow renewal ceremonies: JLO & Marc Anthony- divorced one year later, Madonna & Guy Ritchie, Jon & Kate Gosselin ( I just threw up a little typing their names).

Men are necessary, but useless extravagances that have co-starring roles. Men, don’t quit your day jobs while residing in Housewives’ Hell, you come and go quicker than Brandy Glanville’s vaginal rejuvenation scars.

These ladies can throw it down: The Housewives have flipped tables, thrown wineglasses, pulled weaves, slapped and pushed each other. Much like Dynasty once was taught us, a good old-fashioned cat fight is the highest form of trashy entertainment.  The housewives never learned that it’s rude to point a finger in someone’s face, slap a friend or accidentally urinate while intoxicated (thank you Vicky). Even Andy Cohen has wrinkled many a Prada suit attempting to break up a melee.

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Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

I stalk rock stars. Part 1.

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I stalk rock stars. It used be a large part of my life. My plan was to befriend them, party with them and maybe become a groupie, but damn my Catholic upbringing, it always gets in the way of the real bad stuff. When I was young and hot, I’d jump onstage during rock shows, lurk post-show at hotels to catch a glimpse and deliver cookies to the creepy men that guarded the backstage door. I was a detective; I’d locate the lead singer’s number and call him at ridiculous times. I was cunning. I attribute all this rock star lust and silliness to my poor grades in high school, but I was a great success.

Tanya Donelly

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I'm back!
Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I’m back!

Just last week I met one of my idols, Tanya Donelly of Belly, Throwing Muses and Breeders fame, and an incredible solo artist. In the mid-90s I spent valuable time pestering my professor, Donelly’s step-father, for information on Tanya. I would bombard him with an assortment of intrusive questions about his rock-n-roll family and show up at Belly shows pleading with him to get me backstage. He was a kind man, but he put an end to it with one statement: “Shouldn’t you spend more time completing your papers than you do learning about my daughter’s life?”  I got the picture and a C+ in his class.

Last thirsty Thursday, I saw Tanya play at The Salvation Cafe in Newport for an intimate acoustic show that also included the consistently great Brothers Kendall. The set list included little bits of brilliance like “Not Too Soon” and “Dusted”. Special guests Gail Greenwood and Dave Narcizo added to the nostalgia. I saw Belly in 1993, 1994 and 1995 and I felt just as young watching Tanya Donelly last week.

Courtney, I’ll start smoking cigarettes again for you.

I see a real resemblance, do you?
I see a real resemblance, do you?

Meeting Courtney Love was the highlight of my life. Yes, I’ve had a bunch of kids and been married once or twice, but meeting Courtney Love was the most euphoric experience of my life. Giving birth was a highlight, but it was bloody and scary and filled with IVs and defecation. Too much? Always. 

I am not an overly ambitious person, but when given the slight chance of meeting Courtney, I seized the day, I was unstoppable. I weaseled my way past hundreds of people and managed to be the first photo- op of the evening. Courtney was at an art exhibit showcasing her own artwork and I was ready to take her with me for the rest of our lives. Love was gracious and warm, I told her that she’s “my world” and then she and I discussed how similarly we were dressed. Messed up minds do think alike.

At the end of the evening, I yelled over to Courtney and her large entourage, “Courtney, we’re on our way to a rock show, come with us, drinks on me!” She shook her head with a smirking, disapproving look. Pure bliss.

Loudon Wainwright III, we shall meet again.

Families that Love Loudon Stay Together

My brother started this one. He’s been to see Loudon Wainwright III more times than I’ve shampooed my hair. It’s been going on for decades, but my fanatic involvement has been for a little over a decade. Within that time, I’ve seen Loudon in New York City, Memphis, Boston, Fall River, the Berkshires and maybe even a few I don’t remember. At times, there’s copious amounts of alcohol swirled into these evenings.

Loudon’s performance pecks at my heart little by little each time, his voice resonates and I’m suddenly surrounded by memories, good and bad. It’s a beautiful, emotional and at times uncomfortable few hours. Loudon is a writer, a poet, an actor, a name dropper, a folk-music patriarch and a dynamic showman.

I’ve met him a few times now. My brother, sister and I have been to dinner with Loudon and those nights have been some of the happiest moments of my life. Most Irish Americans have a picture of JFK in their homes, but we all have a picture of Loudon Wainwright III.

To be continued.

The Official Rulebook on Children’s Party Decorum

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Let Buffy eat the cake.

Let Buffy eat the cake.

Hosting a child’s birthday party is stupidly stressful and I move to get back to my modest roots and reinstate the McDonald’s birthday parties of 1981. Goody bags? Here’s your Happy Meal. Games? Run yourselves ragged on that poorly constructed plastic labyrinth of fun: The Mcy D’z playground.

Where the rulebook? Every time I deliver my kid to Buffy’s Birthday Extravaganza, I just want the escape, I crave to hear those heavenly words, “feel free to drop him off and come back to 2pm.” But even then, I have to worry about the menacing dog or the delinquent older brother with the really bad skin who appears to be planning his own natural disaster. So, here’s the Official Rulebook on Children’s Parties:

To Drink or not to Drink? Even worse are the parties that are merely a means for the adults to booze. I’ve been known to take the bait and knock a few back with Buffy’s great aunt, but it never feels right, does it? Trying to swallow warm chardonnay while listening to some stranger complain about the public school department is right up there with hearing about dental work. Please, just stop.

Tie down that bouncy house.

Tie down that bouncy house.

Hosts and hostesses, stop urging parents to grab a drink when you’ve provided one bottle of white wine that’s been fermenting for an hour. I do not want to arm wrestle the grandma for a glass. And, really, I’m going to need eight screwdrivers to null the sound of the bouncy house mayhem.

It's not that hard, really.

It’s not that hard, really.

The Lost Art of RSVPs is Mortifying: Buffy’s mom & dad, we all know HOW busy you are, mostly because it’s the only conversation we ever have, “I’m so busy I forgot and spoon-fed Buffy gluten!!”, but here’s refresher: RSVP is a request for a response from the invited person. It is derived from the French phrase Répondez s’il vous plaît, literally “Reply if you please” or “Reply please”. So, if I am going to invite your bundle of joy to my little shindig the least you can do is call, text, email or throw something at me to let me know if Buffy is gracing us with his adorable presence. The same can be stated for adult parties (yes, I still throw some of those, too). Just do it, you’ll feel so much better.

Even Allison eats the cake. Sexy.

Let Them Eat Cake. Really, just let Buffy eat the damned cake. Nobody wants to listen to the insipid negotiation over having a slice of cake. Please, just let Buffy eat the cake, and the ice cream and the potato chips. It’s a party.

Watching the Detective. How did you get your house so thoroughly clean? We’re all engaging in some investigative research while attending these parties. I’m spending every moment wondering how people clean their house so well, but other questions I’m pondering include how often the parents get it on, if they have a housekeeper, how much the parents love/loathe each other and I’m also scouring the joint for pictures from their youth. Just beware, we’re all doing it.

Cheers to the kid that recently greeted me at his elaborate front door with the greeting, “we’re rich, and we have tennis courts!” Yes, Buffy, you are rich and you do indeed have tennis courts. Unfortunately, your home birthday party was still a terrible bore, your parents appear to tolerate each other’s presence and your aunt is a lush. Happy Birthday to you!

Lice, homemaking and me.

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I found something that made me want to stay home and clean: lice.

Lice invaded my world and my mind.

Lice invaded my world and my mind.

Yes, lice, I can’t even type the word without mauling my scalp with my fingernails. Lice invaded my home and stayed for a few itchy days. I have never cleaned, washed and embraced homemaking before seeing a louse in my son’s hair. It was both disgusting and amazing. How, where, why? I was energized every time I located a nit or a bug. The joy I had with every removal was pure and unbridled.

I scoured the internet for each and every at-home remedy. I washed my hair with Listerine, slathered coconut oil all over my scalp and sprayed a blend or rosemary and tea tree oil all over my house.

Come to momma, you little louse.

Come to momma, you little louse.

I bagged clothes, toys and bedding and exiled them all to the backyard giddy with excitement over the lice being frozen to death. I whispered in my son’s ear in a sing-song voice “we’re going to kill those bugs in your head, don’t you worry”.

I lost my mind.

I had to end the week with enough vodka to silence the bugs I thought were in my hair and the ones that invaded my mind.

Christmas Joy to You: Ugly Sweater Party Anxiety & More

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Christmas as a child. Can you see the spirit in my eyes? No? Either can I.

Christmas as a child. Can you see the spirit in my eyes?

I hail from dysfunction and chaos so it’s no surprise that I am not fond of Christmas, but much like attending PTO meetings, flossing my teeth and vacuuming, I participate in Christmas with a feigned zeal.

I attribute a smidgen of my holiday disdain to my aforementioned desire to be Jewish, or perhaps it’s because I don’t like wrapping, fine cheese or Karen Carpenter. Interestingly, unlike much else in my life, I follow a strict set of rules for Christmas, here goes:

Attending an Ugly Sweater Party Never Ends Prettily:Is the Ugly Sweater Party phenom a cruel joke played on short women with paranoid tendencies and self-esteem issues? Is it giving you as much anxiety as it gives me? Really, all I’ve got are my beautiful clothes and to rob me of that comfort is like asking me to arrive completely bare-faced. I attended one of these cruel parties and to compensate for the ugliness of my sweater, I wore the highest stripper heels Kohl’s bucks can purchase. Did you know that an Ugly Sweater Party includes a parade so that judges may crown a winner to the ugliest sweater wearer? Spoiler alert: The prize will always go to the hot girl with the white cashmere sweater that has poked holes through that sweater from which to hang ornaments. Ugh, don’t invite me, my psychiatrist told me not to go.

Master of Inappropriate Gift-Giving: I want to give every kid a present their parents are going to dislike, it’s part of my schtick. The enjoyment I receive after buying non-parent approved gifts is unimaginable to most adults. Monster High dolls for toddlers? Perfect. Fake dog excrement and guns for seven-year old boys, I’ll buy four. The more uptight the parents, the more generous I feel.

Christmas Cards for All!: I’m serious about Christmas cards. Every year, I write a personal message in every card that I send. This year I’ve been so busy watching Bravo’s reality shows that I skipped the personal message. I appreciate it when families send a letter inserted into each card, and here’s my letter to friends and family:

Dear Buffy,

 Greetings from Rhode Island, the smallest state in the U.S., and the smallest source of employment and competent doctors!

We’re all just getting by here in little Rhody. The kids are wonderful!  Although none play sports, we’re hoping the force the youngest uses to kick his brother is an indication of a future in soccer.

Our dog is still alive, much to my mom’s chagrin.

We hosted a wonderful Thanksgiving that resulted in one emegency room visit, but the turkey sure was moist.

We welcome all your visits this year and especially your presents for Christmas. This year, just to switch things up, send checks endorsed to Botox Cosmetics, it’s something fun we are trying to do at home.

 JOY to you!

 

Social Censorship

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I’m a writer with a completion problem. I dream and envision witty, provocative words I want to write and then I am assaulted with a wave of anxiety over actually writing. My mother told me at a young age when I was fond of writing boys disturbing love letters to “never put anything in writing”. She has a point, but like most of her well-meant advice, I ignored it and went on to send dark and tortured love letters to each and every boy with whom I shared saliva. Boys, may I have those letters back to see if they were any good? Just drop the restraining order, really, I have changed.

That’s the beauty of writing: what you absolutely cannot say about your in-laws in person, you may get away with it in a blog. Or maybe not, we’ll see.

Is life a series of verbal social censorship? How dare I talk about how boring most people are when I am talking to those boring people. It’s such a social conundrum and this is my cure.

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