I hail from dysfunction and chaos so it’s no surprise that I am not fond of Christmas, but much like attending PTO meetings, flossing my teeth and vacuuming, I participate in Christmas with a feigned zeal.
I attribute a smidgen of my holiday disdain to my aforementioned desire to be Jewish, or perhaps it’s because I don’t like wrapping, fine cheese or Karen Carpenter. Interestingly, unlike much else in my life, I follow a strict set of rules for Christmas, here goes:
Attending an Ugly Sweater Party Never Ends Prettily:Is the Ugly Sweater Party phenom a cruel joke played on short women with paranoid tendencies and self-esteem issues? Is it giving you as much anxiety as it gives me? Really, all I’ve got are my beautiful clothes and to rob me of that comfort is like asking me to arrive completely bare-faced. I attended one of these cruel parties and to compensate for the ugliness of my sweater, I wore the highest stripper heels Kohl’s bucks can purchase. Did you know that an Ugly Sweater Party includes a parade so that judges may crown a winner to the ugliest sweater wearer? Spoiler alert: The prize will always go to the hot girl with the white cashmere sweater that has poked holes through that sweater from which to hang ornaments. Ugh, don’t invite me, my psychiatrist told me not to go.
Master of Inappropriate Gift-Giving: I want to give every kid a present their parents are going to dislike, it’s part of my schtick. The enjoyment I receive after buying non-parent approved gifts is unimaginable to most adults. Monster High dolls for toddlers? Perfect. Fake dog excrement and guns for seven-year old boys, I’ll buy four. The more uptight the parents, the more generous I feel.
Christmas Cards for All!: I’m serious about Christmas cards. Every year, I write a personal message in every card that I send. This year I’ve been so busy watching Bravo’s reality shows that I skipped the personal message. I appreciate it when families send a letter inserted into each card, and here’s my letter to friends and family:
Greetings from Rhode Island, the smallest state in the U.S., and the smallest source of employment and competent doctors!
We’re all just getting by here in little Rhody. The kids are wonderful! Although none play sports, we’re hoping the force the youngest uses to kick his brother is an indication of a future in soccer.
Our dog is still alive, much to my mom’s chagrin.
We hosted a wonderful Thanksgiving that resulted in one emegency room visit, but the turkey sure was moist.
We welcome all your visits this year and especially your presents for Christmas. This year, just to switch things up, send checks endorsed to Botox Cosmetics, it’s something fun we are trying to do at home.
JOY to you!