Brad & Angelina’s Marriage Crumbles More than the Box Office Results of ‘By the Sea.’

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This will get uglier  than Johnny Depp & Amber Heard’s dicorce. Trust me.

Oh gosh, we were really rooting for these two self-important assholes, weren’t we?

 

Well, of course I wasn’t, but I’m a cynical realist, or so my therapist claims. No, I wasn’t THAT surprised by the smack heard around the world: Angie’s heavy lips smacking the stamp that sealed the bitter divorce papers sent to Brad Pitt.

What went wrong with Hollywood’s most famous reformed bad girl and the silver screen’s good ol’ Midwestern boy with a penchant for celebrity loves? Ah, let’s count the many cracks in this crystal vase of broken homes, possible philandering, sickness, poor movie roles and strangely-named children:

Dude, Brad’s got the good stuff.

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Before  finding Scientology,  a teenage Juliette Lewis picked up Pitt and a nasty drug habit.

Mr. Pitt’s alleged legendary pot smoking habit has been coughed up as  reason for strife between these two aging beauties. Really? Brad was famously getting high with Juliette Lewis while Angela was just another celebrity spawn strutting her weird stuff in the corridors of Beverly Hills High School. Brad and Juliette Lewis looked like they slept in a bong chamber for the ’90s while Angelina looked like she slept in a coffin eating the dead souls of all that she touched.

Brad Needs a New Starlet

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Brad’s lust for starlets goes back to 1989 with Christina Applegate. Those cheekbones, those cheekbones.

Brad loves a starlet like Angelina loves a winged-black eyeliner look: Christina Applegate, Robin Givens, Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth “freaking” Paltrow, and first-wife Jennifer Aniston round out Brad’s condensed list of loves. Brad goes big and as Angelina’s star dwindles with her health, Brad may be looking for some fresh flesh of the French persuasion. Marion Cotillard, anyone?

I doubt that Brad and Marion are getting it one because at 41, Marion is too old for what Pitt is looking for. Marion, Angie and Bad all do have one thing in common: None have made a movie I want to see in years.

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Marriage isn’t all trips to Cabo, cargo pants and toned abs?

Leave Jen Aniston Alone! She has products to endorse!

People, can’t you see that Jen Aniston  is too busy to get dragged into this madness again?

She is 47 years old and she’s been pregnant for the last 14 years!  This woman is so busy being knocked up that she can’t even act anymore, she can just endorse water, hair products and anything else that brings in a paycheck because that one million bucks per “Friends” episode money is drying up quicker than Angelina Jolie’s  movie career.

Brad Pitt Finds His True Soul Mate: Himself

In the war of Brad and Angie, I’m going to have to go with Brad Pitt, he’s just got a  whiff of coolness that Angie lacks. But, Braddy boy has an Anthony Weiner-sized identity crisis. Brad spent a lifetime becoming a doppelganger of whomever he’s dating. He was  a chic minimalist with Gwyneth Paltrow donning matching haircuts and highlights. He found cargo pants, yoga and Coldplay with Jennifer Aniston and he embraced humanitarian issues and dad jeans with Jolie.

Brad, find yourself in a bottle of George Clooney’s tequila and an ounce of the best weed you can get from Andy Cohen.

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The couple that beautifies together, beaks up in a spectacular fashion.

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