angelina jolie

Millennials Killed Feminism & Gen Xers can’t even make it to the funeral.

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I thought I had the best idea for a funny blog and plan on going ahead with it, but first, I must acknowledge that it’s been the most disgusting week , even worse than when poor Barb was found decomposing in the upside down world on Netflix’s Stranger Things.

I promised myself not to get too political on social media or at parties, but the Donald Trump “grab them by the pussy” story has got to be a new low, even for a man that bastes himself with tanning oil, chauvinism, Viagra and bad fashion.

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Oh Trumpy, do you kiss your mail-order bride with that mouth?

First, don’t get it twisted- I’m not even a huge Hillary Clinton supporter,  I am a true Gen Xer so I don’t really like anything, other than Courtney Love. And gin. And Jared Leto circa My So Called Life time.

But now that this sniffling, orange statement of tackiness, ineptitude and victimization took a dump on our political stage, I love Hillary about as much as I loved getting wasted at every Lollapolooza. Yeah, I’m that serious.

If I can find ANYTHING amusing about Trump’s recent leaked tape, it’s that he refers to himself as a  “star”: “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything…Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Oh, you misguided Ommpa-Loompa, you’re not a STAR! You’re a D-grade celebrity whose claim to fame is a show that nobody has watched in years.

Millennials Killed Feminism & Gen Xers are too “busy” to care.

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Lena Dunham-  The new leader of feminism (for every college-educated white girl in Brooklyn).

I’m a feminist. There, I wrote it. And, I loathe new-age feminism.

There, I wrote that, too.

It’s too easy to blame it ALL on the millennials, but Lena Dunham‘s smug stare of entitlement, importance and good breeding jolts me pissed and I have to cast generalizations everywhere.

Oh damn, I just ridiculed a woman, is my feminist card revoked?

Well, I’ve read every word of Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique & Jong’s Fear of Flying, do I get it back now? They both sure as hell beat Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham, but that’s another rant.

See, Lena Dunham, our fearless new leader, has formed a new brand of feminism. One where women can’t speak poorly about other women no matter what. We can’t observe that Kim Kardashian probably should have had security while she  went to bed IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY with $11 million in jewelry in her room. Lena argues that we shouldn’t be making jokes because Kim Kardashian is “someone’s mother and daughter.” Well, her mother is Kris Jenner so there goes the “someone’s daughter” argument.

Stop it! I can’t say that, we must all have each other’s politically-conscious, Urban-Outfitters-adorned backs!

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I should do something about all this, but “Reality Bites” is on tv. Maybe tomorrow.

AGH! I get so angry that I want to scream!

But, I wont. We Gen Xers are so darned busy planning our children’s schedules for every minute of their free time to make up for the neglectful parenting that we endured that we barely have time to rock the Anthropologie 40% off sale. Then, we start to feel so old & boring that we  schedule our own social lives with rock shows, book clubs and movie dates because we feel awful about how goddamned uncool we got.

It’s exhausting, so just screw it and pass me the Zima, please.

I’m About to Kick a Beyhive

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Send all hate mail right to Rhode Island.

I respect Beyonce’s astounding talent, beauty, obvious intelligence and drive. Really, I do. So please, put down your hammer. But, is it a badge of feminism to create the masterpiece that is Lemonade, and have virtually the whole album be an angry portrayal of adultery, revenge and ultimately, forgiveness?

If art is life and life is art, are we to believe that the Queen Bey lets her Machiavellian-like, father-figure of a husband, Jay Z., cheat on her and forgive him? Are we really to believe that it’s “Becky with the good hair” fault?

I don’t know, something doesn’t resonate. If that is a triumphant act of feminism, then I’ll let Trump grab me by the…well, you know.

Oh well, whatever, never mind.

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We’ve come a long way, baby. Pop singers grab crotches just like men!

I’m a feminist afraid of being honest for fear of not adhering to this new set of feminist logic. I can ridicule Angelina Jolie for stealing two hours and 12 minutes of my life by directing “By the Sea,” surely the worst movie ever made, but I can’t voice my opinion on her being a nutcase, right?

Jolie is an obvious piece of work, a homewrecker and a joke. Did I just get in trouble again? Was I just supposed to blindly side with Brad Pitt because there’s been murmurs of his drunken behavior? I mean, he is a man and I am a woman so I better just go with her.

And yes, I understand that I do not really know any of these people, but we all do know these people, right? People just like this.

I want to confess that although I love to gaze at Lena Dunham’s out-of-shape ass on “Girls” (looks better than my fat ass), that doesn’t make the show interesting, the Lenny newsletter very readable or her a spokesperson for feminism. It makes her brave and slightly overweight, but we’re not really breaking new ground here, folks.

 

 

 

Brad & Angelina’s Marriage Crumbles More than the Box Office Results of ‘By the Sea.’

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This will get uglier  than Johnny Depp & Amber Heard’s dicorce. Trust me.

Oh gosh, we were really rooting for these two self-important assholes, weren’t we?

 

Well, of course I wasn’t, but I’m a cynical realist, or so my therapist claims. No, I wasn’t THAT surprised by the smack heard around the world: Angie’s heavy lips smacking the stamp that sealed the bitter divorce papers sent to Brad Pitt.

What went wrong with Hollywood’s most famous reformed bad girl and the silver screen’s good ol’ Midwestern boy with a penchant for celebrity loves? Ah, let’s count the many cracks in this crystal vase of broken homes, possible philandering, sickness, poor movie roles and strangely-named children:

Dude, Brad’s got the good stuff.

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Before  finding Scientology,  a teenage Juliette Lewis picked up Pitt and a nasty drug habit.

Mr. Pitt’s alleged legendary pot smoking habit has been coughed up as  reason for strife between these two aging beauties. Really? Brad was famously getting high with Juliette Lewis while Angela was just another celebrity spawn strutting her weird stuff in the corridors of Beverly Hills High School. Brad and Juliette Lewis looked like they slept in a bong chamber for the ’90s while Angelina looked like she slept in a coffin eating the dead souls of all that she touched.

Brad Needs a New Starlet

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Brad’s lust for starlets goes back to 1989 with Christina Applegate. Those cheekbones, those cheekbones.

Brad loves a starlet like Angelina loves a winged-black eyeliner look: Christina Applegate, Robin Givens, Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth “freaking” Paltrow, and first-wife Jennifer Aniston round out Brad’s condensed list of loves. Brad goes big and as Angelina’s star dwindles with her health, Brad may be looking for some fresh flesh of the French persuasion. Marion Cotillard, anyone?

I doubt that Brad and Marion are getting it one because at 41, Marion is too old for what Pitt is looking for. Marion, Angie and Bad all do have one thing in common: None have made a movie I want to see in years.

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Marriage isn’t all trips to Cabo, cargo pants and toned abs?

Leave Jen Aniston Alone! She has products to endorse!

People, can’t you see that Jen Aniston  is too busy to get dragged into this madness again?

She is 47 years old and she’s been pregnant for the last 14 years!  This woman is so busy being knocked up that she can’t even act anymore, she can just endorse water, hair products and anything else that brings in a paycheck because that one million bucks per “Friends” episode money is drying up quicker than Angelina Jolie’s  movie career.

Brad Pitt Finds His True Soul Mate: Himself

In the war of Brad and Angie, I’m going to have to go with Brad Pitt, he’s just got a  whiff of coolness that Angie lacks. But, Braddy boy has an Anthony Weiner-sized identity crisis. Brad spent a lifetime becoming a doppelganger of whomever he’s dating. He was  a chic minimalist with Gwyneth Paltrow donning matching haircuts and highlights. He found cargo pants, yoga and Coldplay with Jennifer Aniston and he embraced humanitarian issues and dad jeans with Jolie.

Brad, find yourself in a bottle of George Clooney’s tequila and an ounce of the best weed you can get from Andy Cohen.

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The couple that beautifies together, beaks up in a spectacular fashion.

The Sony scandal: A Christmas present to me.

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Angie & Amy Pascal in happier times. "Angie, "Cleopatra" will be the role of a lifetime," Pascal whispers in Angie's ear.

Angie & Amy Pascal in happier times. “Angie, “Cleopatra” will be the role of a lifetime,” Pascal whispers in Angie’s ear.

The Sony hacking scandal is a Christmas present to me from the pop-culture Gods. It started off so promising (Angelina Jolie is spoiled brat!), but it’s fizzled into another tale of corporate executives behaving poorly. Shall we recap what we’ve learned?

Angelina sucks what's left of Amy Pascal's soul out.

Angelina sucks what’s left of Amy Pascal’s soul out.

  1. Angelina Jolie is spoiled: Again, not shocking. What I do enjoy is that Rudin calls Jolie untalented because I partially agree. I know that Jolie has talent somewhere hidden in her 95 pound frame, but I haven’t personally witnessed it since 2005’s “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. What has Jolie been in that is even remotely watchable? I will not include “Maleficent’ because that’s a children’s film. Here’s an email from Rudin about Angelina Jolie’s maddening pursuit to star in “Cleopatra”.

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

Sandler models the latest in junior high P.E. garb.

Sandler models the latest in junior high P.E. garb.

2. Adam Sandler is an asshole: This is no big surprise. Adam Sandler’s movie career has been in catastrophic decline since the early 90s and I will never forgive him for stealing two hours of my life with “Grown Ups”, I still cannot believe that there was actually a sequel to this movie. Unbelievable.

Here’s Amy Pascal, another executive that has never heard of spell check, take on Sandler:

“Adam is an asshile [sic] and this is more his fault than anyone’s but what we did was not communicate with each other and make assumptions maybe I didn’t pay attention when you were telling me what I was walking into but it also comes from a non alien meant between us all and too many people doing everything and no one taking responsibility and I mean myself as it is my responsibility to let you guys know what I want to breath [sic] life into,” replied Pascal.

Scott Rudin, I think I love you.

Scott Rudin, I think I love you.

  1. Executives don’t spell check, capitalize or care about grammar: Damn, I’m a part-time corporate writer and even I do not send out an email with grammatical errors, rampant USE OF CAPITALS and general distaste of punctuation that these media titans do. Amy Pascal and Scott Rudin each make an annual salary of over 3 million dollars. I do not have a fancy MBA that taught me to reread what I have written and to be very careful of what I put in an email. Tssk- tssk.