Billboard Music Awards: Dumber than Ludacris & Ciara

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I must watch every single award show. It’s what I do, well that and over-imbibe at open bar events. I’m pretty damned accomplished at both. I’m the bully of awards shows and a mess at an open bar. We all have our skills, everyone other than Filth Harmony.

Britney

Britney: There’s a little Sylvia Plath in there.

Britney Spears: You know what quality I really dig in a pop star? A few stints in a mental  institution and/or rehab. A psychiatric hospital stay is a goal of mine that I get closer to attaining every year (last Thursday was a step in the right direction). I’ve loved Britney since the Mickey Mouse Days, but I’ve never loved her more than when she shaved her head and got angry.

 

Britney Spears didn’t disappoint, she really stole the show. She looked flawless while lip synching  the oldies and goodies in her sexy robotic way. Britney’s dancing skills have stiffened since her pop music domination years. After six bourbon and gingers last Thursday, I shook my arse with more electricity than Britney.

 

fifth harmony

Fifth Harmony makes me want to soak myself in bleach.

 

Fifth Harmony:

I know you’re always on the night shift
But I can’t stand these nights alone
And I don’t need no explanation
‘Cause baby, you’re the boss at home

Those are actual lyrics from Fifth Harmony‘s “Work From Home” disgusting excuse for a song. This “song” was a string of ridiculously insipid statements that a woman would say to her man while he is at work and she’s at home perfecting her selfie pout.  I have no idea who Fifth Harmony is, but they are as bad as bad gets. If Britney Spears is the abs of pop music anatomy, Fifth Harmony is the ingrown toenail pus.

Pink

Pink-Acrobatics, fire, pink faux hawk…yawn.

Pink:If Pink performs and she doesn’t fly into the air, did the performance really happen? It’s impressive, but we’ve seen it so many times. What’s more boring? Pink’s whole identity of being a rebel/outsider in the pop music world or her high-flying acrobats. Again, when compared to Filth Harmony, she’s a genius, but please, something new.

 

NJ

Nick Jonas, hot since 12.

Nick Jonas, Tove Lo  & Demi Lovato: I began loving Nick Jonas over a decade ago. He was 14 and I was 28. It was wrong, but I knew that it would turn out right. Boy, was I right. As for Demi, as I mentioned earlier, my fondness for a woman who has frequented rehab makes Demi a favorite of mine. I don’t care that her songs are stupid, that woman can sing and her social media rants are excellent.

 

Gwen

This breakup is going to rock harder than their music.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani: Gwen and Blake’s chemistry is as hot as a game of seven minutes in heaven with your first cousins. This was so uncomfortable to watch that I’m still twitching.Dare I admit: Gavin Rossdale never looked so cool.

Now that Gwen is hawking country music, is she contractually obligated to wear less makeup? Was she advised that red lipstick is strictly for mediocre pop music with a ska flare?

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Ariana’s stumble is much more entertaining than her performance.

Ariana Grande: Yup, she can sing, she sports the best ponytail since Madonna’s Blonde Ambition look, she’s perfected the eyeliner/orange spray tan beauty of Jersey Shore, but she’s got nothing else to give me. So, enjoy her fall, it’s much more entertaining than her performance.

 

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Madonna & Stevie Wonder try.

Madonna delivered.  Madonna’s tribute to Prince was moving and got even better with Stevie Wonder. Madonna’s voice is weak and always has been, but her strength is  performances like this, to make a statement, to provoke feeling. Yes, I would have preferred The Weeknd, but this was a solid try and I like to think that Prince would have smirked throughout the whole thing.

 

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