2017 VMAs: I missed Jon Snow’s bum for this?

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Katy Perry’s downward spiral into irrelevance continues.

I actually missed the season finale of Game of Thrones to watch Katy Perry play host at the 2017 VMAs  while further embarrassing herself in what has already been a pretty humiliating year for this past-her-prime star. But, hey, I’ve got priorities and Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar + Lorde are high up on that slim list, well above cleaning my car, properly shaving my legs or applying to graduate school.

I want to get to the good parts, like how alive Kendrick Lamar feels, that man is spitting fire + talent like Daenerys’ dragons breathe fury.  But, you know that’s not what I really care about because T. Swizzle is back with a pouting vengeance and I’m too pudgy and suburban momesque to really get the coolness of Kendrick Lamar. I want to, I really do, but I’m just not young enough to be worthy of it all.

 

And good ol’ MTV understands people like me because the channel wasted no time in getting to the “real” performance of the evening: a premiere of T. Swizzle’s ridiculously-catchy, good-girl-gone-bad tool of reinvention: “Look What You Made Me Do.”

 

Oh, Taytay, look what you just made me do: fall in love you all over again.

Who cares that I might miss Jon Snow and dragon lady get familial on GOT? In this candy cane of cinematic perfection, Taylor goes dead like a White Walker while metaphorically digging her own grave, only to later throw all the Hollywood trash into it.  This stuff, I get.

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This ring could be yours for $60 (+shipping + handling)

See, I want to be one of those people, the people that are too smart for Taylor’s obvious marketing ploys and scheming plans to devour the world without gaining a pound. I want to be horrified by her schilling $60 snake rings on her website, but really, I want to buy that damned ring and wear it without irony. I want that ring to go with my sarcasm and smirk, just like I bet it matches Taylor’s cynicism and exhaustion with her good girl image.

How can someone that didn’t even show up to the prom end up being the queen?

Well, that’s Taylor, baby. Love it or hate it.

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This is when my heart shattered.

Ugh, and while we are hating, I hate myself for admitting that Lorde was the train wreck that you just couldn’t watch, not for one second longer than was absolutely necessary. As grueling as it is to stomach some of GOT’s torture scenes, this was worse.

Lorde’s performance pained me more than Jared Leto’s continued denial of his own hotness. I want to believe that Lorde had the flu and couldn’t sing, but she should be on the phone firing her manager quicker than Katy Perry, and that is pretty freaking quickly.

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Jared Leto just killed Jordan Catalano

Oh Jared Leto, how could you do this to me? You were my Jordan Catalano, man. I am as confused over Jared’s constant need to desecrate his God-given beauty as I am by the fact that 30 Seconds to Mars is still making music! C’mon, MTV, was every member of Fall Out Boy, Blink 182 and Good Charlotte too busy to play?

 

 

 

 

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Chris Cornell Dies at 52

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Chris Cornell: A beauty and a talent.

I had a grueling case of insomnia last night, even for a chronic non-sleeper like me. I awoke at 2am startled, as if something bad had happened, or was going to happen.

I couldn’t shake that feeling of dread, a foreboding that something wasn’t right in the world. I took to social media to post a few whiny words regarding my insomnia, stewed over the latest Trump fiasco and tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep.

Slumber never came, but that dread did. After dragging myself out of a daze of exhaustion, my local news informed me that Chris Cornell died. Even worse, his death was soon ruled a suicide.

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Elliott Smith, an angel in the snow. Dead at 34.

Ugh, here we go again.  I hate it when I get so worked up over this stuff, but pop culture is the world I dwell in and the untimely death of rock stars hurts. Chris Cornell was 52 years old and in my view of life and suffering, 52 is too young to die and too old to be burdened by such sadness.

I could trace my life with these bouts of depression over a famous person’s death. In 1993, I was recovering from a night of Halloween hijinks at UMass Amherst to wake up to news of River Phoenix’s death.  A few months later, Kurt Cobain’s death plunged me into a downward spiral that I lived in for months. And, let’s not forget the one that just keeps stinging: Elliott Smith’s death in 2003. What a kick in the heart. I was a recently separated mom on a date with a lawyer. My phone didn’t stop ringing for the whole night from friends and family that knew how much I loved Elliott Smith. I never saw that lawyer again, and I never stopped listening to Elliott Smith.

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Kurt Cobain, dead at 27.

I want to believe that life gets better, but when a  rock star with a family, a sold-out tour, fame and fortune takes his own life at 52, I get scared. I’m a huge Ernest Hemingway reader and I’m always shocked that he killed himself at the age of 62. I want to live in a warm cocoon where 62 is an age filled with walks, grandchildren and dinners out. But, who knows? Is life just always…hard?

What came first? My fascination with suicides or the true fact that so many of my idols have died by their own hands? I don’t know, but the loss feels significant.

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1991, when concert tickets were $20 and Soundgarden amazed.

In 1991, I saw Soundgarden open for Guns N’ Roses  during the Use Your Illusion tour. It was a snowy night in Worcester, Massachusetts and the roads were a mess, but that didn’t stop Axl Rose from starting well over an hour late. Soundgarden opened and I was besotted by Cornell’s beauty and voice. So much so, that in between sets I used my mom’s hard-earned money to buy a Soundgarden t-shirt. I proceeded to place that t-shirt on my chair while dancing to GNR and it was stolen. I was so entranced by Chris Cornell that I spent good partying money on a t-shirt, knowing that I don’t wear t-shirts. But they were that freaking good and Chris Cornell’s voice was that intoxicating. I missed the one Lollapolooza that they played because I had mono, or perhaps it was depression, I never did go for the blood test. In my insomniac mind, I like to think I was getting over the death of a famous person.

Rest in peace, Chris Cornell.

’13 Reasons Why’ Wounds

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I watched Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why  in a stream of sadness that erupted into a firestorm of anger. I finished the series with a burning desire to set the world ablaze. I’m still in a bit of a hungover-like fog that’s clouding my private thoughts. I’m busy slashing people from my life left and right and it feels satisfying. The show affected me, and not in a great way.

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Newcomer Katherine Langford’s performance haunts.

Critics be damned, the show has hit a nerve. Perhaps it’s because we all know these characters: the privileged jock that gets away with it all; the super-hot boy that will graduate from high school and realize that his smoldering eyes will never mask his white trash upbringing, and the beautifully troubled girl that is either going onto really great things, or something tragic. In Hannah’s case, it’s something tragic.

We know these people because there’s some of us in every one of them.

We know because high school never ends, we’re burdened by our past and then corporate culture, child-rearing and community transform into another incarnation of high school. Those jocks become middle-management assholes and the geeks become their bosses. The bullying continues, but it’s in an understated, more professional manner.

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Dylan Minnette delivers a layered performance.

Hannah’s suicide doesn’t come as a surprise, but the scene is unflinchingly raw and just terrible. Is the show glorifying teen suicide? I’m not sure, but the World Health Organization reports that suicide has become the leading killer of teenage girls, worldwide. The show is prompting conversations about the loneliness, sexual assaults and pressure that can envelope the life of a teen. It shines a light on the sometimes ineptitude of high school counselors and the innocent ignorance of concerned parents.

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’13 Reasons Why’: I’ll never be able to watch it again.

I actually kind of loved being a teenager and was thankfully void of many of Hannah’s problems, but I’ve got a chip on my shoulder and I like to dig right into it. So, in homage to Hannah and her pain, I’m eliminating unnecessary people from my life, even if it’s in a digital sense. I’m thinking of Hannah as I realize that jerks are jerks and there’s no need to deal with them. I’m assigning blame to wrongdoers and calling them out on their nonsense. In the crowded and bustling hallway of my current high school, I’m clearing some space.

Rage on, teenagers and rest in peace, Hannah Baker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m measuring my life in fainting spells.

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Like any good alt-Victorian lady, I’m prone to fainting spells, fond of hats, hysterics and cumbersome clothing.

I like to think of these fainting episodes as a true mark of my neuroses. Trails of my faints weave throughout my life and color memories of doctor’s offices, tattoo parlors & rock shows.

I can’t be sure when it began, but I do recall an unfortunate slip of a stapler in 4th grade that produced a bloody finger, panic and my 1st school faint.

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Do yourself a favor, don’t ever watch this movie.

I went on to faint TWICE during a teacher’s attempt at teaching high school psychology by showing the 3 1/4-hour mediocre miniseries, Sybil, in class. Creepy Sybil crashed her hand through a window and, much like my brother’s same exact faint 2 years before, I crashed out of my lab chair and forever cemented myself in my classmates’ freaked-out minds. In the ensuing chaos, the teacher failed to turn the movie off and guess what? I came to… just to collapse again.

I will never be able to look at Sally Fields without getting swoony.

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Like a Victorian woman, I’m prone to fanciness & fainting.

Like everything else, the faints of my young adult years morphed into a more disturbing condition and at a higher rate of consistency. Damn, I was passing out left and right. When I couldn’t take the heat, literally and figuratively, I would collapse into unconsciousness for a minute or two.

True to my alternative roots, I longed for piercings and tattoos. Three piercings & fainting spells later, I was looking pretty cool…and wimpy. I fainted with each new hole in my body. But, I REALLY wanted that nose ring, so I went for it.

That’s some twisted braveness.

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My fainting was at an all-time high. Can’t explain the dolls hanging from nooses made of tulle.

The tattoos were another episode.  At 16, I gifted my already-tattooed super-cool high school flame with a gift certificate to a tattoo shop. My ride to purchase it? Um, my mom. Later, 3 of my friends & I embarked on an ill-advised pilgrimage to get the same tattoo. I fainted and caused a scene, we were obviously underage and the “fainting girl” is always a party-pooper.

Even writing about fainting makes me want to faint.

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a 1744 oil painting by Pietro Longhi called Fainting

Another legendary faint happened during a party I was hosting on a college break.  This party was a little different from the nightly parties I threw while my mother spent weekends in another state, this party attracted the loveliest girl from high school. She showed up and she fainted! Just from witnessing her faint, I fainted. I came to by myself, alone, slumped against my refrigerator while the whole party fawned over my co-fainter. I got it, I was old news in the fainting circles.

Dual fainting girls really brings down a party, I assure you.

I went on to have 3 children naturally. As you can imagine, it wasn’t because of a dislike for painkillers, it was because I fainted even thinking of that needle. As luck would have it, I fainted in my sister’s delivery room while she was receiving her IV. I woke up and was immediately moved from the premises.

I fainted last weekend from intense pain in my lower back and it’d been a few years since I’d done so. It’s terrifying and funny, and it feels close to death. You’re in there somewhere, but everything is muffled. I only realize I’ve fainted because I remember the familiar fog and the panicked voices coming in and out, “wake up, wake up!”

Gotta go, I’m feeling a little woozy. Till next faint.

 

 

2017 Oscars: Odd clapping, human herding, Viola Davis’ self-righteous speech & more about me.

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I fell into a deep slumber on Oscar night, I blame my exhaustion on a steady weekend  stream of margaritas and vomit. The margaritas were drunk my me to deal with the constant regurgitation from my son’s mouth and onto most of my home. Sop up the body fluids, then revive with a margarita. Repeat. I was just so darned tired come Sunday night that I couldn’t even keep myself awake to make fun of celebrities.

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Scientology  is a hard thing to shake. Via GIPHY

And, what a scene I missed.

The whole show leading up to the envelope-switching fiasco was a study in poor time management. Between Nicole Kidman’s strange hand-clapping practices, which are certainly a byproduct of her years toiling in the Church of Scientology, to the human herding of tacky common folk sprung from a Hollywood sightseeing tour and thrust into the auditorium like circus freaks, the show was dying a slow and painful death.

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Oh my! Real poor people! Via Giphy

I think I passed out right after Rhode Island’s own Viola Davis gave the most practiced, self-righteous acceptance speech in the history of well, a plethora of them. Listen, just like any good Lil’ Rhody, I am incredibly fond of Viola Davis, but her speech almost made me think that I’d caught my son’s stomach bug. I quote directly from her here, “I became an artist and thank God I did because we are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.” Margaritas, vomit, repeat.

Oh Viola, tell that to the doctors, writers, nurses, psychologists, social workers, firefighters, police officers, bartenders or any other person that is holding down a job in this thing we call “life.” You’ve got to be kidding me.

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Wow Viola, how…ridiculous a statement. Via Giphy

Then, thankfully, so that we actually have something to talk about at the water cooler of existence, came the moment we will all remember instead of the excellent films, the reading of the wrong winner for Best Picture. The horror! The outrage! Let the mobs get whoever is to blame for such an injustice to these millionaires.

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Looks like they all just read the reviews of Batman v Superman (Al Seib / Los Angeles Times/Polaris)

Can we just call the mishap a work casualty? A danger in a work environment where employees may earn up to $ 20 million per role and get lauded with accolades for months during awards season for doing their jobs. My gosh, some commoner from an accounting firm had the audacity to make a mistake and the whole country is treating him like he’s a Trump supporter or something.

Come on, people, they’re stars…just like us. Just like me. And, all this fuss over a mistake reminded me of an error that ended up working out for me.

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The year was 2000, my hair was dirty and my waist was tiny.

The year was 2000 and the scene was the booming dot com industry. I was flourishing in this environment and suckling from the teat of a soon-to-be-derailed company’s irresponsible spending. I reveled in the long, liquid lunches and constantly drank fresh lattes from the brand new espresso maker in the run-down company lounge. This crew of slackers turned professionals took smoke breaks every hour and spent morning, noon and night drinking and sleeping with one another. I was 22 and this was my 1st job. I was a copywriter, which just so happens to be tragically close to my current occupation, but my lack of ambition is a different story.

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Office Space, 1999.Crazy things happen after you think you’ve been fired. Via Giphy

This story is even better, it’s about the time that I was mistakenly fired. Yes, fired in error.

in the chaos of a massive cleaning of corporate house, I was let go. I was fired by  the big boss that had only spoken to me once before while screaming at me for ordering him the wrong sized car during a business trip. See, this guy didn’t really know me and he confusingly thought I was on the chopping block. So, without many words, he kindly told me to complete the week and not to come back.

Well, what’s a young woman with no responsibilities do in such a time? Go out with all her coworkers for one last pub crawl and proceed to spend an evening telling people what she really thinks of them. There’s nothing that I am better at than mixing an evening of alcohol, honesty and awkwardness.It was awesome and awful, filled with tears and truth: two things that should never mesh with work.

I crawled into work the next day with my eyes barely open and was informed that my firing was an error and that I didn’t actually even make enough money to be let go. I was, in fact, a valued employee. So, after a night of trash talking and inappropriate behavior in a land of inappropriate behavior, I kept my job and lost a little of my pride and liver.

Till next time, la la land!

 

The 2017 Grammys, a smorgasbord of phoniness & disappointment.

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Why do I set myself up for disappointment? It’s like I’m in college again and trying to date the Greek god, it’s just never going to work out, at least not in the way I think it might.

I was so excited for the damn Grammys, and now I have no idea why.

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Louder, Hetfield, we can’t hear you. Via GIPHY.

I suppose I wanted to see Lady Gaga outcool Metallica, an all-time least favorite band of mine. My hatred for Metallica harks back to the year that they headlined the 1996 Lollapolooza when I was basking in my Riot Grrl phase. I traipsed through Metallica’s crowd wearing a dirty white slip and a crown of thorns while proudly displaying the word “slut” written on my arm a la Courtney Love. The Metallica crowd didn’t get my shtick and it was one of the few times I was really picked on. Then Metallica was escorted to the stage via a helicopter and I threw up my party accouterments.

Oh, thank God cameras were barely used during my misspent youth.

But hey, Lady Gaga & Metallica is something that I can get behind. Unfortunately, the sound technicians couldn’t and James Hetfield’s microphone wasn’t on. It was embarrassing to watch him have to switch mics mid-song, but it was worth it to spy his rock star temper tantrum afterwards.

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It was magnificently…dull. Via Giphy.

But who cares? Let’s get to the icky part- the Beyoncé verse Adele battle of phoniness.

First, before the Beyhive swarms into my modest home and steals all my gin, Beyoncé should have won Album of the Year, without a doubt. Lemonade is a religion, while 25 is a  Church of Scientology in Arkansas. And, Adele bores me more than Beyoncé’s performance annoyed me, so there’s that.

Part of me gets it, that I’m not really supposed to get it. First, I’m old as dirt and am clearly out of touch. But, I do possess a freakishly high bullshit/phony meter and during Beyoncé’s performance, it was higher than Mike Posner. I mean, who knew being preggers was so profound? Two married billionaires that already have one child had sex and that act resulted in two living things in Beyoncé’s belly. How… bourgeoisie. I’ve squeezed 3 brats out and I caressed my belly less throughout those 27 months than Queen B did in her way-too-long Grammy performance.

Beyoncé’s performance was certainly better than most, but for it to lauded as epic and groundbreaking just seems silly. The spoken word element, freshly torn from the sticky pages of a 14-year old’s discarded journal were funny, but I do not think that was the intention. But, I am an equal opportunity hater because my Holden Caulfield-inspired phony meter was at an all-time high (again, Posner) with Adele.

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Can we start again? No, please, no. GIPHY.

Adele, you won. Take the award, thank a bunch of people we don’t know, make a thinly-veiled political statement and leave. Oh and while you’re performing, try to sing the flipping song without swearing on national television and having to start all over again. That’s what you get paid  millions of dollars to do. It was so sad to watch the crowd applaud her mediocre tribute to George Michael with tears in their eyes, not tears for George Michael’s recent passing, but because they felt badly that Adele felt badly that she messed up. Again.

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What’s worse than a sore loser? A bad winner. GIPHY.

Oy vey.

I did enjoy a lot of the Grammys. The Weeknd was excellent, Chance the Rapper was awesome, and even Katy Perry was better than usual and I absolutely loved her blonde hair. Ed Sheeran always entertains and is utterly charming.Most importantly, Bruno Mars, Morris Day & The Time did Prince right. It was a tribute worthy of pop star royalty.

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Blackbear, Mike Posner. Posner’s seen better days. Via GIPHY.

And, let’s give it up to Mike Posner who appears to be 8 days away from death or rehab. Wow, didn’t this guy just look like the former Duke University frat boy that he is? It looks like he took a lot more than a pill in Ibiza, he looks like he emptied the whole  pharmacy.

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Damn, this is Mike Posner a few years ago. Wowza. Via Huffington Post.

Till next year.

The Super Bowl, Winona Ryder & other Shakesperean Stuff

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Not better than Prince’s 2007 show, but close.

I’ve been thinking a lot about football this week. I know, almost as shocking as Jay Z and Beyoncé’s marriage lasting this long. I mean, what if I’ve been wrong all along and football is incredibly entertaining, filled with attractive men and stories of triumph and camaraderie? There was something  Shakespearean about  Super Bowl LI, bursting with a struggle, a reunification, a historical outcome,  all expertly performed by grown men in tights.

Super Bowl LI was the most entertaining hour of my life since I watched Solange Knowles rough up Jay Z on repeat for 148 minutes. It was better than Emma Stone’s singing AND dancing in La La Land, and SO much stronger than all the sappy overacting on NBC’s This Is Us. Beware, I can’t stop watching this show and screaming at the television set. I can’t stop…hating it.

Winona Ryder, Patron Saint of Cool Girls

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Julie Winegard GIF

This freaking Super Bowl was as life-affirming as Winona Ryder’s recent reemergence into my patron saints of cool women. Her facial tics at the SAG Awards were the stuff that my dreams are made of.  I missed Wynona Ryder and I will take every second that she wants to give. I would watch Winona Ryder whittle is that was offered. (Can we get that going, Hollywood?)

I am in awe of the coolness of Winona Ryder. Her excellence in 90’s films and pop-culture folklore is really unrivaled. Films like Heathers, The Age of Innocence and Beetlejuice, to name a few and personal craziness like dating Johnny Depp, Matt Damn and and every cool 90s’ alternative rock star. Then, there’s the unfortunate stealing conviction in 2002, which really sounded like a miscommunication with a bunch of different pills.

The National Anthem

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Luke Bryan, what’s not to like?

There’s just so much for a non-sports fan to still love about the Super Bowl, there’s the possible disaster that can be The National Anthem when performed by pilled-out pop stars like Christina Aguilera. Listen, aging genie in the bottle, the next time you forget lyrics, try grunting sexually instead of making them up. As far as I can tell, that’s all 5th Harmony does.

Luke’s Bryan’s National Anthem was great. What’s there to dislike about Luke Bryan? He can sing and he’s known to one of the most generous people in famous land. After dealing with the untimely death of his sister, and then her widow, he raises his sister’s children, and his own.  He rocks his cowboy-lite vibe.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show

ARLINGTON, TX – FEBRUARY 06: Singer Christina Aguilera performs during the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show at Dallas Cowboys Stadium on February 6, 2011 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Christina Aguilera

BTW: Where’s Christina been?

That Mickey Mouse Club must have been psychological warfare in the already- dangerous  minefield that is childhood stardom.  Where is Christina? After her brief surrender to housewife/ hostage of domesticity, she’s dissipated into The Voice, a land of celebrity-leftovers like Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton and Alicia Keyes. C’mon, Christina, we want you back and bring your new Rhode-Island boyfriend  and your chaps with you.

Thinking of the Mickey Mouse Club…

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The year was 2001, folks. The place: Super Bowl

Agh, let’s all go back to the innocent days, the days when Britney Spears and her home-school lover Justin Timberlake performed with Aerosmith, NSYNC and Nelly in what was certainly one of the most awesomely delicious episodes in Britney Spears’ robust body of work and in half-time performances.

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Thanks Lady Gaga, I needed that.

I do declare that, in my opinion, Lady Gaga’s half-time performance was 2nd only to Prince’s 2007 turn. And, I can assure you that I’ve seen every one since I could do the Roger Rabbit. I’m sorry Madonna, Bruce Springsteen and Michael Jackson, and well, the Judds. I just loved it, it was like I really needed the pure entertainment of it all. She was a perfect combination of grit, talent, beauty, determination and obvious hard work. Her voice was strong, her moves were perfectly in sync and the performance was electrifying.

Or, maybe it was just a good game. I don’t know, it’s the 1st one I’ve ever actually watched.

 

 

2016: Our Own Upside Down World

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2016 began, for me, with a small spell of alcohol poisoning.

And, the year never really lost that distinct aftertaste of vomit, Prosecco and wasted promises. The last 365 days were exhausting. I just finish getting over my last brassy dye job, only to see baby white hairs sprout again. And as a final “screw you,” I now spy them in my eyebrows. As if I didn’t inflict enough damage on my damned brows in the ‘90s, now middle age will finish the job of completely eradicating my brows.

#Blessed makes me #Sick

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Can you #killme before I #choke ?

Oh gosh, forgive me, I forgot that I am supposed to feign positivity instead of being honest.

My negativity is grating, and I just don’t care. Can I be forgiven for intellectually knowing that I have it pretty damned good, but internally feeling down and out? Can I eliminate myself from the hashtag blessed bullshit that permeates every adult conversation I’m forced to endure? Yeah, I get it, I could have it so much worse, but instead of respecting that, I’m going to complain about everything. I am nothing if not consistent. Well that, and a bummer.

Pain is relative. We can’t all compare our own pain against those with more pain. Pain is pain, and to engage in insipid conversations about how much worse life could be doesn’t actually make anyone feel better, not for any longer than that talk lasts.

2016’s Little Pockets of Love

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“Stranger Things” dominates 2106.

There were rainbows of coolness that sprang from the mushrooms of shit, little pockets of love like Winona Ryder’s cool-girl reemergence in “Stranger Things,” and Netflix’s newer installment of anxiety-inducing terror, “The OA”. And, The Lumineers’ “Cleopatra” is just about as good as it gets for music to my ears.

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Jaon’s Isbell’s Twitter presence is one of the better things in life.

I was transfixed for every second of FX’s “The People vs. OJ Simpson” and  transported to my idealistic youth and my horror at the OJ trial outcome.  I went to see Jason Isbell at the College Street Music Hall in  Connecticut, and I remembered that life is beautiful and talent like his is an amazing thing.

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If only I knew as much about geography as I do about Scientology.

A&E’s new hit docuseries “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath” is perfect for my Scientology obsession. This show gives Leah Remini the role of a lifetime and shows that Scientology is scarier than “Stranger Things” upside down world.

Awash in Melancholy

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“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land” T.S. Elliot’s The Waste Land

But, it’s not all Pop Tarts & Quaaludes here, peeps.

In April, Prince died at the age of 57. To make Prince’s death even worse, he died from an accidental drug overdose and it was like a final blow- not because I think less of Prince because he used drugs but because I thought he was one of my idols that didn’t. The thought of Prince, alone and dead in an elevator at Paisley Park isn’t how I wanted him to go.I’d much prefer to think of him dying in his sleep surrounded by a harem of women, blanketed in purple sheets of the highest thread count.

But 2016 didn’t care about that kind of stuff. We lost Prince, Barb, David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds,to name a few.

But, let’s not get too down, right?

We lose Carrie Fisher, an actress from an acting dynasty, a sharp-witted writer, a paramour of rock stars and an all-around extraordinary person. She was chock-full of demons, honesty and zingers. But, we get to keep Lena Dunham, a woman from an influential family, fully equipped with a pricey  education and a rock star beau, a ridiculous lack of humor and a book that is actually unreadable.

Making fun of Lena Dunham has become easier than ridiculing the Kardashians, so in 2017, my resolution is to stop. Not because I am being kind, but because she’s just so boring.

My Celebrity-Stalking Side Gig is Booming

Between furrowing my brow and applying coconut oil all over my face, I found time to snap pictures with some of my favorite celebrities.

To celebrate the 4th of July,  I did what any good American might: I planted my whole family on a hot beach to watch  Tom Hiddelston & Taylor Swift fawn all over each other. My sunburn had barely healed before I I met lil’ Rhody’s favorite alternative rock goddess, Tanya Donelly. Not to be outdone, I capped off the year with a  New York City encounter with one of America’s original, smart and cool gals, the awesome Sandra Bernhard.

The Kardashian Curse Spreads

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Kim Kardashian’s unattractive cry gets real. Image by How Should I Sass You

For another year, I want to thank the Kardashians for all the entertainment. The ne’er-do-well son in a family filled with losers procreated with Blac Chyna, only to implode in a nasty split that coincided with their own reality show. Kim & Kayne’s marriage lasted another year, but not without a mental breakdown and an awesomely awful burglary in Paris.

So, I’ve been thinking, can we start blaming everything on the Kardashians? That’s my plan.

Book Recommendations

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Beware, I only dig disturbing books.

Well, I do still take time to read books, and here are a few recommendations:

Hunger Makes Me a Hungry Girl: A Memoir by Carrie Browntein

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

A Mother’s Reckoning by Sue Klebold

The Girls: A Novel by Emma Cline

All the Missing Girls by Megan Miranda

My Name Is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout

Happy New Year, y’all!

Shake the holiday horror by ridiculing Kayne West & partying like Ed Sheeran.

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Don’t trust that smirk, I’ve been hating the holidays since 1981.

I don’t think this is going to knock anyone off their pleather recliner, but I detest the holidays. Not even a drunken Christmas party can push me into the holiday spirit. Don’t worry, I feign happiness and muddle through with the whole damned thing: I select the most outrageous tree I can find (while inwardly whining about the cost), I hide that creepy Elf on the Shelf and spend gobs of money on a bunch of presents that I know I will defiantly vacuum up in eight months.

Blame it on my bad childhood. Why not? I blame everything else on it.

So, this holiday season, I outwardly smile and squeeze into last year’s ugly holiday sweater while guzzling enough alcohol to think that Elf on the Shelf is edible. I bought myself an expensive party dress for a party that I’ve not received an invitation, and I daydream that my obsession with the Church of Scientology will someday materialize into me joining the cult and boycotting Christmas.

Ho-Ho-Ho!

But hey, there’s always important stuff to take my mind off my holiday blues.

Kayne West is a Joke without a Punchline

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Kayne, this is how you do a mental breakdown correctly.

Even Kayne’s breakdown is boring. Can’t this guy use Britney Spears, Savior of Mental Breakdowns, as a guide? She did institutional-level madness right in 2007, she used props like an umbrella and an electric razor. Kayne’s got a porn star wife and two kids with silly names.

What is Kayne going mental over? That he sold his soul for Ray J’s gal or that he’s a complicated artist with no real art? Kayne is such an amateur, in the fashion world, his love life and with his own mental undoing.

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Looks like love, but it smells like money.

I want to laugh at Kayne Wests’s public meltdown, but he’s not even cool enough to be funny.The man is a joke and his talent is slipping away as quickly as his marriage is dying. I don’t even know where to start: his clothing line consists of beige leotards with a passion for camel-toe and his mother died from complications of budget liposuction.

Royalty, rock stars and redheads.

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How do you party like a royal? Ed Sheeran’s face just got more interesting.

How do I miss these party invitations?

I hope that Ed Sheeran was very numb on the night that Princess Beatrice sliced his pale cheek while jokingly attempting to knight one-hit wonder & “You’re Beautiful” crooner, James Blunt.

Yes, I’ve got that right. In a very unfortunate (or kick-ass) party, Princess Beatrice, daughter of toe-suckling Royal bad girl Fergie, sliced poor Ed Sheeran’s face with a sword while attempting to knight James Blunt.

I can’t believe the bloody Brits are acting out like this, when it’s the good ol’ USA that just got Trumped.

Angelina’s & Brad’s Divorce: Bleaker than ‘Allied’

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Angelina appears as pissed off as she has since, well, since she was born. What did this Midwestern boy do to cause such vitriol?  This divorce is looking worse than the box-office returns of every non-animated movie Angelina has ever made, produced or even breathed on.

Make no mistake, Brad Pitt is the clear winner here. Angelina looks petty for taking their divorce so public when she’s always asked for privacy involving her army of brats, and he frees himself from Angelina’s soulless clutches. In the words of a now-deceased friend, she’s day-old donuts and he’s Brad freaking Pitt.

The Weeknd Just Saved 2016’s Pop Music

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Bella Hadid & The Weeknd: At least it’s not Gigi Hadid?

I have a real thing for The Weeknd and am happy that he released ‘Starboy’ and drugged his way back into 2016 before it quickly became the worst year of pop music on record. Let’s just forgive this Ethiopian King of Bad Boy Pop for dating permanently-scowled ‘Housewives of BH’ spawn Bella Hadid because he’s a pop star and he can.

In the world of celebrity sisters, these Hadids are better than the Kardashians & Jenners. Bella is far cooler than her older sister, Gigi Hadid, whose hosting of the American Music Awards was almost as cringe-worthy as Ciara’s stab at the same gig last year.

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Gigi Hadid- Move over Ciara, we have a worse awards show host.

How did I forget that Milo V. existed?

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Milo, I forgive you for ‘This Is Us.’

I never realized how much I missed this vision of male facial hair done right until he strolled onto Gilmore Girls and trotted onto my worst nightmare, ‘This Is Us’. But, it’s okay, Milo, ‘Gilmore Girls’ was excellent and I appreciate how many times you disrobe on ‘This is Us.’

Yes, this is where I lose my audience, right? I’m about to make fun of the perplexingly popular drama starring fallen star Mandy Moore and that hot guy from ‘Heroes.

‘This is Us’ is a sucker punch to the lowest common denominator- America’s heart. What a weep fest, for a bunch of unlikable characters.Let’s throw in an obese woman, a dying long-lost father, a celebrity with low self-esteem AND a lying mother. Wow, did the writers secretly have a seat at my Thanksgiving table?

And, Mandy Moore’s acting is as bad as her portrayal of Ryan Adam’s grungy wife.

Well, happy holidays to you all, I am going to start on the Best & Worst of 2016 soon. Something tells me the bad may outweigh the good!

Just don’t get me any freaking Christmas gifts because I didn’t get you any.

Millennials Killed Feminism & Gen Xers can’t even make it to the funeral.

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I thought I had the best idea for a funny blog and plan on going ahead with it, but first, I must acknowledge that it’s been the most disgusting week , even worse than when poor Barb was found decomposing in the upside down world on Netflix’s Stranger Things.

I promised myself not to get too political on social media or at parties, but the Donald Trump “grab them by the pussy” story has got to be a new low, even for a man that bastes himself with tanning oil, chauvinism, Viagra and bad fashion.

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Oh Trumpy, do you kiss your mail-order bride with that mouth?

First, don’t get it twisted- I’m not even a huge Hillary Clinton supporter,  I am a true Gen Xer so I don’t really like anything, other than Courtney Love. And gin. And Jared Leto circa My So Called Life time.

But now that this sniffling, orange statement of tackiness, ineptitude and victimization took a dump on our political stage, I love Hillary about as much as I loved getting wasted at every Lollapolooza. Yeah, I’m that serious.

If I can find ANYTHING amusing about Trump’s recent leaked tape, it’s that he refers to himself as a  “star”: “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything…Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Oh, you misguided Ommpa-Loompa, you’re not a STAR! You’re a D-grade celebrity whose claim to fame is a show that nobody has watched in years.

Millennials Killed Feminism & Gen Xers are too “busy” to care.

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Lena Dunham-  The new leader of feminism (for every college-educated white girl in Brooklyn).

I’m a feminist. There, I wrote it. And, I loathe new-age feminism.

There, I wrote that, too.

It’s too easy to blame it ALL on the millennials, but Lena Dunham‘s smug stare of entitlement, importance and good breeding jolts me pissed and I have to cast generalizations everywhere.

Oh damn, I just ridiculed a woman, is my feminist card revoked?

Well, I’ve read every word of Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique & Jong’s Fear of Flying, do I get it back now? They both sure as hell beat Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham, but that’s another rant.

See, Lena Dunham, our fearless new leader, has formed a new brand of feminism. One where women can’t speak poorly about other women no matter what. We can’t observe that Kim Kardashian probably should have had security while she  went to bed IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY with $11 million in jewelry in her room. Lena argues that we shouldn’t be making jokes because Kim Kardashian is “someone’s mother and daughter.” Well, her mother is Kris Jenner so there goes the “someone’s daughter” argument.

Stop it! I can’t say that, we must all have each other’s politically-conscious, Urban-Outfitters-adorned backs!

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I should do something about all this, but “Reality Bites” is on tv. Maybe tomorrow.

AGH! I get so angry that I want to scream!

But, I wont. We Gen Xers are so darned busy planning our children’s schedules for every minute of their free time to make up for the neglectful parenting that we endured that we barely have time to rock the Anthropologie 40% off sale. Then, we start to feel so old & boring that we  schedule our own social lives with rock shows, book clubs and movie dates because we feel awful about how goddamned uncool we got.

It’s exhausting, so just screw it and pass me the Zima, please.

I’m About to Kick a Beyhive

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Send all hate mail right to Rhode Island.

I respect Beyonce’s astounding talent, beauty, obvious intelligence and drive. Really, I do. So please, put down your hammer. But, is it a badge of feminism to create the masterpiece that is Lemonade, and have virtually the whole album be an angry portrayal of adultery, revenge and ultimately, forgiveness?

If art is life and life is art, are we to believe that the Queen Bey lets her Machiavellian-like, father-figure of a husband, Jay Z., cheat on her and forgive him? Are we really to believe that it’s “Becky with the good hair” fault?

I don’t know, something doesn’t resonate. If that is a triumphant act of feminism, then I’ll let Trump grab me by the…well, you know.

Oh well, whatever, never mind.

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We’ve come a long way, baby. Pop singers grab crotches just like men!

I’m a feminist afraid of being honest for fear of not adhering to this new set of feminist logic. I can ridicule Angelina Jolie for stealing two hours and 12 minutes of my life by directing “By the Sea,” surely the worst movie ever made, but I can’t voice my opinion on her being a nutcase, right?

Jolie is an obvious piece of work, a homewrecker and a joke. Did I just get in trouble again? Was I just supposed to blindly side with Brad Pitt because there’s been murmurs of his drunken behavior? I mean, he is a man and I am a woman so I better just go with her.

And yes, I understand that I do not really know any of these people, but we all do know these people, right? People just like this.

I want to confess that although I love to gaze at Lena Dunham’s out-of-shape ass on “Girls” (looks better than my fat ass), that doesn’t make the show interesting, the Lenny newsletter very readable or her a spokesperson for feminism. It makes her brave and slightly overweight, but we’re not really breaking new ground here, folks.

 

 

 

Crashing the Party of the Year: Taylor Swift’s 4th of July Shindig

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I just crashed the party of the year, and it almost felt better than Taylor Swift’s arse looks.

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From left: Abigail Anderson (childhood friend), unknown taut backside, Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss, unknown, Swift’s photographer, Taylor Swift on Tom Hiddleston’s shoulder.

I’m as schooled in the art of celebrity stalking as I am with partying. Just ask every single one of my ex boyfriends: I am a psycho stalker.  And, what better opportunity do I have to shine than T. Swizzle’s legendary Rhode Island Fourth of July extravaganza? Mix lil’ Rhody with a dose of celebrity culture and add on some of that stalker stuff and I am happier than Tom Hiddleston’s agent!

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Taylor’s bikini reads “America,” but her passion is straight-up British.

I sacrificed my health for this stalker mission. I mean, have you seen me? I’m paler than Tom Hiddleston’s British inner thigh. I planted myself, my husband and children on a beach for eight hours to possibly spy Taylor Swift. I should have drunk a bottle of SPF 120 to make it through the day.

Just when I thought this skin damage was for naught, out descended the squad. Yes, Taylor Swift and her bevy of beautiful people opened the gates of her $17 million Watch Hill mansion and swam in the Atlantic Ocean right next to me and my chafed thighs. Their appearance was accomplished in a dizzying whirl of speed and exhilaration;  out they ran, in sync with their shared loveliness, tautness and fondness for Solo cups. (Stars, they really are JUST like us!)

The sexual spark between Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston was hotter than Gigi Hadid’s Prada shades. Soon after Taylor and Tom splashed into the water, she hopped onto his back with a mischievous look of love. They looked perfect together and I’m not even going to question why Tom Hiddleston wore a shirt into the water, let’s peg that to British modesty.

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Tay Tay leads Karlie Kloss and Blake Lively up to heaven.

And it was over as quickly as Taylor’s love for what’s-his-name, Calvin Harris. After a few photos, giggles and shared hugs, the squad ascended up the stairs and into the heaven that must be Taylor’s life. I saw Blake Lively’s burgeoning belly and Ruby Rose’s many tattoos.  Taylor’s brother Austin and I shared a glance and I wondered what his future holds, will being lost in Taylor’s shadow wreak havoc on this handsome man, or will he find his own fame? Austin, may I suggest that you marry Selena Gomez? Somebody has to get her away from any kind of microphone.

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Taylor Swift’s brother Austin. The picture is grainy, but the abs are amazing. Believe me.

As the crowd dissipated, I saw Selena. She didn’t participate in the oceanic frolic but she did watch from afar. She stood at the top of the stairs, holding a large hat, while looking pensive.  I could sense her Bieber love-sickness from below. Poor Selena, don’t pout, there’s always Austin Swift.

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Taylor, that’s my son, Holden.

Back at the ocean, we revelers were left with the type of feeling you get after paying for Taylor Swift tickets, “did that really just happen, did I really just do that?” Well, it did and I have the TMZ photo to prove it. In the madness of the moment, I almost forgot that I actually had children at the beach, but voila, here is evidence. That little boy staring straight ahead, the only person within a mile nonplussed by the hysteria is Holden, my son.

Stalk on, baby.

Prince’s Death & Gynecology: A Vacation Day Of Horror

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Nothing kills a vacation day like the death of your childhood idol quickly followed by a Pap smear.

I took a day off today to relax. But because I rarely plan anything other than partying and going to rock shows, I forgot that I’d also scheduled my annual OB GYN appointment in the afternoon. Then Prince died. What a wretched waste of a perfectly good vacation day.

A few facts about me:

  • I loathe going to the doctors. I was FOUR years overdue for this annual appointment, the possibility of having to give blood outweighs any reasoning and I neglect physicals, podiatrists and anyone with a white coat.
  • I love music like most people love their animals.

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Prince was one of those loves for me. I went to see him in concert as an adolescent and it was a life-altering experience. I was an awkward Catholic kid covered with freckles and dysfunction in a rural Massachusetts town, I had to find my own escapes and Prince delivered on that evening. I learned about sex from watching “Purple Rain.” I watched the movie so many times that I can still recite the whole damned thing. I know because I’m doing it right now.

These days hit me hard. Maybe it’s the taste of my own mortality, or perhaps it’s that I am so in love with myself at that age. I love that little me more than I can communicate. I see the promise, the intellect, the creativity and I can smell the looming derailment. It’s tricky terrain in there, like the wart on my foot that I just can’t stop digging at, I want to get to the root and pull it out to marvel at its bloody splendor.

That’s what nostalgia really is, it’s not truly about the person or thing that we loved so much, it’s more about missing ourselves at that age. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve purchased new Prince music, but it doesn’t matter, I love him for who he was and more importantly, who I was when he touched me.

Here’s to Prince, the pop icon that always stayed cool.While poor Madonna engages in a tacky custody battle for the world to see, and Cyndi Lauper disappears into “Kinky Boots” land, Prince never lost a shred of authenticity. Rest in peace, Prince.

And make your annual OB GYN appointment- the stirrups are less uncomfortable than I remember.

 

I’m measuring my life with rock show stubs and fainting spells. Lessons learned from rock shows.

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It started innocently with Cyndi Lauper. Proudly clad in a purple stoned wash miniskirt while sporting high-top mint green Reeboks, I breathed in my first concert air. It was love at first screech. Each concert taught me a valuable lesson and this one was: Opening bands can be a necessary evil. At 10, I was cooler than opener Eddie Money.

Appollonia is starting to take of her shirt. My 12-year old self is watching on repeat.

Appollonia is starting to take of her shirt. My 12-year old self is watching on repeat.

Prince and all his filthy brilliance came next. I never knew someone could move like that. I remember blind folds, heavy breathing and squeals, but mostly, I remember the music. It sounded electrifying, dirty and important. I’d already watched Purple Rain more times than I’d brushed my teeth. I’d hit pause and watch as Apollonia disrobed, shocked at her voluptuousness.

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I saw the Eurythmics in this.

The Madonna show forecasted my soon-to-be troubled teen years. 13 years old, I boldly swiped beers from a parent’s fridge and encouraged my friends to slug them seconds before entering said parent’s vehicle. Hustling into a Subaru, cheap beer on our breath, red lipstick smeared on our lips, we were caught.There were threats of canceling the night, but I knew how much those tickets cost, and I knew there wasn’t a chance. I had secretly borrowed a set of my mother’s rosary beads and her black bra. Soon after entering the arena, off came my Benetton rugby and out came my newly developed breasts and rosary beads. A star was born.

Cyndi, Prince and Madonna: the Holy Trinity of late 80s pop music. Mine for the night at the Worcester Centrum, Massachusetts. Throughout the years, beers and the hear loss, I learned more rock-show etiquette:

  1. Don’t gift your kid concert tickets unless you actually
They were better than Metallica.

They were better than Metallica.

know your kid.  Are you flummoxed that I’ve seen Bell Biv Devoe? Ditto. A good pal’s loathsome mother gifted her Nirvana-loving daughter with…surprise…three tickets to Bell Biv Devoe! Always a good sport, I laced up my Doc Martens and dutifully shook my nonexistent arse to classics such as Do Me! and Poison.

It wasn't legal, but it was fun.

It wasn’t legal, but it was fun.

2. One is never too young to fail at being a groupie: I started out small with a local band, but I had goals and aspirations for so much more. My 15 -year old mind focused on becoming a Mighty Mighty Bosstones groupie. It never really happened, but not from a lack of effort. I had what every wanna-be-groupie needs: a best friend that topped 5’10, a lusciously cascading mane of hair, a bona fide bad-girl girlfriend, absent parents and sheer recklessness. It was a recipe for groupie-galore.

My focus was on meeting rock stars more than classwork. I may have been just getting by in school, but I really wanted to get by with some B-grade rock stars. I schemed, I lied, I stalked, and I succeeded, maybe not in the biblical sense, but enough to be a lil’ rock star in my small world.

I'm with the band.

I’m with the band.

Concert-going taught me more than the nuns at my Catholic college. I soon graduated to see Hole, Beck, Nine Inch Nails and every Lollapoooza. My rock intellect was sharpening while my ears were constantly ringing.

3. Fainting at rock festivals is a downer. I was dehydrated while Lindsey Lohan was drinking baby formula. At 20, it was unfathomable to drink water when there were so many more attractive substances to drink in. Yet another health lesson gleaned from rock shows: Severe dehydration will cause a young me to faint. Fainting will certainly welcome the paramedics to visit you and your suspicious friends. These circumstances will sober you up, and ruin an evening. Drink water, bring sunscreen, and take it easy.

Riot Grrl.

Riot Grrl.

4. Rock music is religion. I spied God at a Hole concert. I remember when it happened, when I decided that I would spend gobs of time reading about Courtney Love, obsessing over her and even trying to look like Ms. Love. I was crushed against the stage at Lupo’s in Providence, RI after waiting over an hour for Hole to play. Exhaustion, paranoia and dehydration did not deter me, and right before I almost fainted, Courtney Love stammered onto the stage. I saw the light. I saw her underwear, her cleavage and a even bit of her battered soul.

These boots are made for concerts.

These boots are made for concerts.

The curmudgeon in me misses the old rock show. The smoke was always so thick, why not light up a Camel Light and contribute to the taint? Now, I spy teenagers at rock shows snapping picture after picture, what will they do with all those damn pictures? Don’t they know  they’re missing out on valuable make-out time? Priorities, kids, priorities.

The Grammys: Mediocre as Meghan Trainor’s Talent

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Meghan Trainor joins other Best New Artist Grammy Winners Milli Vanilla & Paula Cole

I love pop music a smidgen more than I love myself so one would think that the recent Grammys would be tastier than a gin and tonic for me, right? Instead, I walked away feeling a lot like George Clooney’s career- deflated and defeated. When it was good (Kendrick Lamar, The Weeknd, TayTay) it was so damned good, and when it was bad (um, Pitbull), it was even better.

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The Biebs. I can forgive a lot, but not this jacket.

First, let’s get all the mean stuff out of the way:

  • Which was more fake? Ariana Grande’s eyelashes or Ellie Goulding’s lips?
  • When did Tyrese Gibson get out of filming Fast and Furious 19 to learn how to sing?
  •  Justin Bieber’s dancing hurt me more than his leopard print Member’s Only jacket. Biebs, I just started loving you, don’t make me stop.
  • For those few that don’t hate me for criticizing Beyoncé, now you will loathe me: Adele was boring and no, I can’t blame it all on the sound guy. Boring is boring.

 Unlike Meghan Trainor’s style, there was some coolness.

Much to my teenager’s chagrin, I dig Kendrick Lamar.Am I too old and square to dig Kendrick? Absolutely, but his performance was electrifying.

The Weeknd was excellent and Taylor Swift’s voice gets stronger with every performance. But really, isn’t Taylor Swift more entertaining to watch than to listen to? She never misses a beat. Her response to the world’s 2nd biggest jackass* Kayne West’s proclamation that he “made that bitch famous” was pure magic. The girl is oozing class and charm from her tight pores. Take  look:

 Kim Kardashian could have done better than Kayne West, and that is saying something.

Kayne West, how could I possibly dislike him more? He’s inflicted so much pain on me, but his ‘SNL’ performance was the worst of all, it was atrocious.  West’s ‘SNL’ performance made Ashlee Simspon’s look like a work of art.

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Nice shirt, jackass.

Kayne, you are to the art and fashion world what I am to the blogging world. You are silly and insignificant. Your stardom is dimming like the light behind your wife’s eyes. Kayne actually forces me to feel sympathy for the Kardashians.

Kayne closed out his ‘SNL’ debacle by sporting a t-shirt with his dead mother on the front, and Kim Kardashian’s dead father, famed-OJ Simpson pal Robert Kardashian on the back. For those that do not know, Kayne’s mother, Dr. Donda West,  died from a liposuction surgery that she had been advised against getting. She was 58. You can’t make this stuff up.

James Bay, I’m Onto You

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James Bay- the new Johnny Depp?

But wait a minute, who is this James Bay? I love an English rocker that can rock the pale Amish hipster look. Even better, he can sing.Could this be my new thing?

Yes. indeed. Thank you James Bay, thank you.

Johnny Depp: Please Stop

Just as the Grammys were coming to a quiet close, out comes David Grohl to announce a Lemmy Motorhead tribute performance by  the Hollywood  Vampires. Nice, this could be good!

But, no! What happened to Johnny Depp? His bloated pirate look is just so wrong.Please Johnny, we  want to love you again. Leave your young starlet of a wife, remove some of your uglier tattoos and get back to yourself. You’re having a mid-life crisis, and I’m worried. Get better. More “Black Mass,” less “Pirates of the Doomed & Gloomed”.

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*Martin Shkreli is actually the #1 biggest jackass.

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Beyoncé Blasé is an Illness from which I Suffer, The Juice is Rotten & ‘Carol’ Disappoints

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Beyoncé  Bores me. I said it. Don’t hurt me.

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Hello, my name is Kathleen and I have Beyonce Blase. Getty Image.

Do I need to hire a bodyguard? Will my children be safe? Is my job secure: I am admitting, with fingers shaking and extreme heartburn: I have Beyoncé Blasé.

It is a condition that inflicts many, but people live in dread of admitting it, even to themselves. The illness is often confused with squareness, racism or simply “not getting it.” The sickness usually strikes after Beyoncé performs in a widely-watched telecast such as Superbowl 50 and for the whole time you’re left wondering, “didn’t I just see her do this?” Yes, you kind of did.

The black onesie, the robotic look of anger mixed with sexiness that ends with a feigned shy smile and a bashful “thanks” to the crowd. Yes, we’ve seen it all before. From her beautiful face to her luscious locks to her exposed derriere. Been there, done that.

The Juice is Rotten

O.J. Simpson is having a true resurgence in pop-culture. I want to be bigger than this, I want to stay away from paying any more attention to this man, but when FX’s  American Crime Story is so compelling, how can I?

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FX’s “American Crime Story” It’s good.

Even worse, my humiliating guilty pleasure, the brain cell popping Housewives of Beverly Hills practically has OJ as a ghost of a recurring character. This season, Faye Resnick and her bee stung face join the cast along with Kathryn Edwards, another supporting member of the OJ Simpson cast of repugnant hanger-ons. These two never-beens are right up there with Kris Jenner and the Kardashian patriarch, OJ lawyer Robert Kardashian in the Wretched People Hall of Fame.

I watched, along with the world, when OJ Simpson was found innocent. I was a sophomore in college, a budding feminist and a sensitive soul/basket case (your call). I called my father, in a fit of anger and tears over the verdict, and I remember my father telling me, “Life’s not fair.”

No, the Sex Scene Can’t Save ‘Carol’ 

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Can thousands of critics be wrong?

You know what else is not fair? How tedious critics’ darling and Oscar contender Carol felt. Go ahead, critics and movie snobs, tell me I’m wrong, but I wish I’d spent my $11 on Daddy’s Home and I despise Marky Mark Wahlberg. Exquisitely shot with beautiful costumes, the flick is blanketed in beauty. Rooney Mara’s expressive face can tell a story with a blink, but it can’t carry a movie. I stomached the movie in a state of mental exhaustion, but even that can’t explain the lack of chemistry between Cate Blanchett and Mara. Add on an over-acting Kyle Chandler and a sex scene that arrived approximately 22 minutes too late and you’ve got a painful few hours. My friend told me that it was a dud, and I chose to learn that on my own. Please, see Revenant or Room instead.

Life’s Swell Thanks to the Arctic Monkeys & Therapy

I don’t dislike everything. I currently love the Arctic Monkeys, therapy, carrot sticks and beer as much as a person can love anything. My therapist just assured me that my daily need to crunch on carrot sicks at the same time everyday doesn’t really make me insane. He’s also guided me to drink water with every alcoholic beverage I consume, what marvelous advice! Wish I’d thought of that on New Year’s Eve, but there’s always next year! Oh yeah, he also told me that my goal of shocking people when I speak with them is perfectly normal, but that I should DEFINITELY keep coming to therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I turned 40 and nothing really happened: A few things I’ve learned along the way.

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I turned 40 with aplomb and positivity. I ditched domesticity and dishwashers and hightailed it to Vegas with some girlfriends. I soon landed back in Rhode Island, the land of very little milk and honey, to land my first full-time job since 2009.

It’s been a dizzying frenzy of doing ever since: working, scheduling, partying and sleeping. Yes, sleeping. My insomnia has completely ceased without explanation. I slumber for a solid eight hours. I feel like a traitor to my own neuroses, and I can’t believe how delightful sleep feels.

A 20-year old me. What will I learn?

A 20-year old me. What will I learn?

But really, I turned 40 and nothing happened. No moment of Zen that clears up life’s issues, no bender worthy of bragging rights and shame. I was given a slice of adulthood in the form of a robust benefits package. It was all kind of dull. But, I gaze at my picture above, at a 20-year old troubled, intelligent, loyal and misunderstood young woman and think, “what has she learned along the way?”

Soak yourself in heartbreak while you can: To be awash in purely wretched heartache is a lovely and essential experience that  should be clung to once or twice. My romantic heartbreaks are, hopefully, over, but what a shame if they’d never been there. I want you to rub the dirt of heartache into your skin, breathe in the melancholy, and choke on the sad songs. Remember it. It may never happen again, and it is an experience to embrace. The sorrow ends, it gets better, love sprouts again..

A perfect ode to heartbreak.

A perfect ode to heartbreak.

And may I suggest wallowing in sadness while listening to Sinead O’Connor’s The Lion and the Cobra. That album sounds like what tears taste like.

Party like Kate Moss: Go ahead, eliminate the drugs and alcohol, but have some fun while you can. Life does not stop after 40, or after squeezing out a few kids, but it does slow down. I danced on every table that could hold me; I wore the highest heels imaginable, and walked home with bare feet on filthy streets. Tell bawdy stories in inappropriate settings. Live. Taste. Hurt. Don’t apologize…well, unless you fool around with your best pal’s boyfriend-make no mistake, that action deserves an apology and flowers.

My friend Dina. Friends since the '80s.

My friend Dina. Friends since the ’80s.

Keep your Friends: Family is life, yes, but your life is also your life. Don’t always confuse the two. If you don’t show up, you won’t keep being invited. I clutched onto my friends through moves, divorce, sickness and a bad attitude. They are mine, I am theirs and together, we are glorious.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but there’s cat urine everywhere: If I wanted a McMansion with a luxury vehicle and lavish vacations, I should not have majored in English Literature and stumbled my way into adulthood. I can own that, I can stomach it. I live on the wrong side of the tracks in a lovely New England town, and the view is divine. The sooner I realized to be content with my lower middle class surroundings, the better life became.

mom ,jMarry Well: This has nothing to do with money. Marry someone that knows you have a life, too. I’ve lost so many girlfriends to Neanderthal men that still think women should be home baking gluten-free snacks for Bucky. Gross. Don’t get married and try to change someone. A jerk is a jerk, a good guy is a good guy and a chauvinist will always be a chauvinist.

Be Good: People can be such assholes, don’t be one of them. The hierarchy of high-school popularity never ends. It’s at work, at our kid’s school, at the bus stop. I resort to my high school antics: I let my freak flag fly high, listen to The Cure and quietly laugh at how uncool cool people really are.

mom-communionOwn your faith: I’m Catholic, now let the bashing begin. Does my Catholicism mean that I am an anti-homosexual, anti-abortion zealot that accepts molestation? Jesus Christ (oops, forgot that commandment)! No, it does not, and it also does not give people the right to bash my faith to my face after mentioning that I am on my way to church. Is there any other religion, other than Scientology, that this is acceptable?

Here’s the deal, I was raised Catholic and I am raising my children that way. I take it fairly seriously and attend mass as much as I can. I don’t get into all the sticky stuff and vote in whatever way I choose. Own your faith, don’t be ashamed by it.

My celebration of 40 continues. Tonight I will toast family by attending my niece’s starring role in another Massachusetts production. Tomorrow night, I will heavily imbibe with friends, all of whom I have known since that top picture was captured. So much and so little has changed.

When the world crumbles, laugh at celebrities.

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When all else fails, make fun of celebrities. In the dysfunctional dinner date of life with news junkies, pop culture is dessert. Just as I can’t tear myself away from reading every drop about the latest act of horror, I turn my attention to Gwen Stefani’s video of self indulgence and am surprised by the smile creeping across my sour face. Yes, Gwen selling her sordid family secrets for a hit, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Thinking of her nine year old son watching this video also gives me joy. “It’s, like, art!” says Gwen.

Gwen, you valley girl of contradictions, I remember when I used to love you. It was a brief, fleeting love, like a one-night stand with Blake Shelton, satisfying but so embarrassing. You know the kind, you wake up and spy the tribal arm tattoo and you just want to cry.

Gwen-Stefani-Gavin-Rossdale-London-Pictures

Gwen Stefani, surprise step-mom to British It-Girl, Daisy Lowe

I did not dig Gwen’s premiere hit, “Don’t Speak,” her pouty song lamenting the demise of her high school romance with band mate Tony Kanal. It struck me as silly and the world knew that Gwen and her six-pack could do better. And she did. Kind of. Gwen moved onto Gavin Rossdale, grunge’s whipping boy. They trudged along with Gwen’s red lips, Gavin’s man-bun, and a few failed attempts at reviving No Doubt. Gavin made the amateur tennis circuit rounds and played small arenas hushing people that dared to speak during “Machinehead.” Their marriage even survived the realization  that Gavin was the biological father of Britian’s favorite bad-girl-It Girl, Daisy Lowe. Wowza.

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Man-bun-√; Hot nanny-√

But, we all know how this one ends: attractive nanny enters home, has-been rocker pulls a Jude Law and allegedly boffs pretty nanny. The rest is pop-music history and resulted in a big hit for Gwen. Thanks Gavin.

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I don’t know what’s sadder- that Scott Weiland died at 48 or that nobody seemed surprised. I winced as journalists reported his death with a matter-of-fact sincerity. Okay, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Stone Temple Pilots, but the man was a pure rock star. He dripped sex, decadence, style and charm. And, if my obsession with Kurt Cobain had allowed it, I bet I would have been a Stone Temple Pilots fan.

I care that Scott Weiland died. I loved “Sour Girl” and thought of it as one of my anthems in 2000. I appreciated Weiland’s beauty and yes, his cheekbones. Those cheekbones were jagged daggers of beauty, those cheekbones could pierce your veins. Scott never lost his coolness, he never stumbled into “Celebrity Rehab,” never had a televised intervention, an unsightly weight gain or an embarrassing stab at acting. No, he penned a fine autobiography, Not Dead & Not for Sale that chronicled a sexual assault at 12 that probably contributed to a life stained with substance abuse and failed relationships. Scott tried; he was a father of two teenagers and thrice married. This Christmas, I plan on adding Weiland’s Christmas album, The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, to my holiday music.

 

I’m gonna wasted-shame a rock star.

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It’s a battle to maintain a blog when chunks of your life keep falling from the cracks in your glass ceiling. I’ve been in the trenches, but spring has sprung and more importantly, there’s been another rock star citing in Rhode Island!

Evan Dando, 1993.

Evan Dando, one of People’s Sexiest Men, 1993.

Warning: Please be advised that I do not judge the following bad behavior, and I understand the hypocrisy of wasted- shaming anyone, but it’s a rock star and they are fair game. It was fair for you to wasted-shame me during my 90s tsunami of questionable choices, especially fair for my behavior at that Afghan Whigs show, hot damn, that one was a doozy! I must do what I must do and the following account of a has-been rocker and his sloppy performance is mean spirited, but true.

in 1994, I found Juliana Hatfield's home phone number and called her. Repeatedly.

in 1994, I found Juliana Hatfield’s home phone number and called her. Repeatedly.

I recently caught the Julian Hatfield Three at the Columbus Theatre in Providence, RI. The show was fun; the band got the memo and played the entire Become What You Are album. Juliana did not disappoint, she was dark and brooding while irresistibly adorable. Little fact about Juliana: She’s from Duxbury, MA. My college roomate was also from Duxbury and I engaged in a little Juliana Hatfield- phone harassment in college. I did this kind of thing a lot on college and high school.

The opening band was Potty Mouth, an uninspiring all-girl band heavily influenced by Nirvana. Okay, maybe they weren’t that bad, but I researched them and they all met at Smith College and I suffer from a syndrome called “Smith College college- envy”. My Sylvia Plath obsession leads me to be wrought with emotions over goofing off in high school and not having a shot in hell of going to Smith College. Anyway, Potty Mouth’s guitarist was pretty and I watched as her sloshed, attractive, older-looking roadie beau helped the band with the heavy lifting. I use the term “boyfriend” just because sloshed-aging-roadie guy was affectionate with this well-educated guitar player.

Supermodels always fare better than rock stars in the post-heroin days.

Supermodels always fare better than rock stars in the post-heroin days.

 

During Juliana’s performance, hot-roadie-guy kept interjecting drunken babble in between songs with an air of authority and reverence. Who was this asshole? Well, it took a moment, but much to my surprise and horror, I realized that this man was Evan Dando of The Lemonheads. You remember him, right? It’s a Shame about Ray, Into your Arms, starring role in Heavy, ex-lover to both Courtney love and Kate Moss, rehab-frequent flyer with a privileged background and a bad attitude? I once LOVED him, he owns all the bad qualities that I am attracted to in a man. He’s still swoon-worthy, but ouch, how the mighty fall hard when they fall.

 

Courtney and I have similar taste in men.

Courtney and I have similar taste in men.

At the end of the show, I wanted to ask Dando for a photograph for my Christmas card, but it was not clear if he was able to stand up properly. He had such a tight grasp on his little lady’s waste that I thought it best not to bother him. I did shake his hand and inform him that I am a fan. He looked startled, wasted and possibly a little embarrassed.

Oh Evan, it’s okay, it’s all good. You’re still beautiful and you’ve still got a way with the ladies. I see that Dando’s recent tour dates have been cancelled due to ill health. Get better Evan; you’re still one of the coolest Massholes I know.

XO

My therapist is concerned about my fake stab at positivity, so here is my list of all that is rotten.

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Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.

Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.

I suffered a temporary lapse of judgment, why go good when I do bad so well? A bitter freckled face can’t change her spots, I present my list of wretchedness and rot:

Celebrities griping about their offspring being photographed: The worst celebrity crusade, founded by outrageously overpaid actor Halle Berry, is the anti-paparazzi bill passed by the California state assembly. Backed by phonies like Kristen Bell, man-child Dax Shepherd and perpetually sour-faced Jennifer Garner, it reeks of hypocrisy. While it was amusing to watch Jen Garner sob while passionately speaking about  her children’s privacy being ravaged, the whole thing stinks. Celebrities, stop naming your children silly words, touting your body- after- baby transformations, shilling your kids’ first baby pictures to national magazines and touting the inflated wonders of breastfeeding, and we’ll stop looking at your brats’ pictures in the tabloids.

Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.

Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.

Also, we all know that these same stars will be peddling their kids to us in eleven years when they push them into the family biz, so can’t we get it over with now? Let’s get the Oscar shot so that we can all ooh and awe over it when little Violet Affleck lands her first plum movie role.

The iPhone Epidemic at Concerts: Have you been to a

Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.

Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.

rock show recently? I have and the iPhone has ruined the experience. Kiddos, here is a novel idea: you can remember the show in your mind! Please, take one or two photos and put your phone away. What are these millennials going to do with 148 pictures of people watching a concert?

Can we create baby decorum?

Can we create baby decorum?

Stop the baby mania: Let’s all agree that being a woman is tough work in 2015, whether you have zero or seven children, so for Christ’s sake, people, stop asking women when and if they’re going to procreate, really can’t we all cease talking about it at all? I cringe every time an infertile couple is posed with the question, “So, when will there be a baby in the extra room?” Um, maybe after we murder you and store your remains in there. Or, “So, are you having any more children?” inquired of the mom I know just suffered a miscarriage.And, not every woman wants to have a baby, can we ever accept this?

If you’re not getting it on with the person with which you’re discussing procreating, stop asking the questions.

My kid’s short, and your kid is annoying: My son, much like

I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.

I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.

my husband and me, is vertically challenged. I know this because I am not blind, his doctor confirmed my observation, and every other concerned parent wants to inform me of his visible shortness. I am the boy’s mother, doesn’t he already have enough issues? Must everybody remind him how small he is? Please, stop, or just know that while you are commenting on his height, I am trying to figure out how many pounds you should lose.

Mark, once a tool, always a tool.

Mark, once a tool, always a tool.

Mark Wahlberg is a humorless masshole: Yes, are you sitting down? I am a Massachusetts-bred Mark Whalberg hater. I know he’s been in some good movies and that he can act, but I can’t look at his lopsided smile, cowboy gait and insincere looks of sincerity. Every journalist tells horror stories about his rudeness, he tries to bury his Funky Bunch roots (probably his best work-to-date) and he is always talking about what his devout Catholicism. Such a phony, such a bore.

Skinny jeans are the new mom jeans: Are skinny jeans out of style yet? I remember Kate Moss wearing them at least ten years ago, they meandered their way to middle America and we’ve been left looking at women’s muffin-tops ever since. Ugh, I tried, I have a slew of unworn skinny jeans sitting in a drawer just waiting for me to proclaim defeat and give to goodwill. I can’t rock the skinny jean, that is for sure, but I don’t think I want to. Just go to a big event and count the number of skinny jeans worn with a high boot, it’s become the official uniform of soccer moms, city slickers and country folk. Can we move on, and look into something new?

Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.

Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.

Nothing about Katy Perry interests me. Not her music, nor her religious upbringing, her choice of lovers or her style. There are worse evils out there than Katy, but she bores me to tears. I feel the same way about Selena Gomez, Maroon Five and Ellie Goulding. I’d admit that I can’t keep a straight face when watching a Beyoncé performance, but I’m afraid the Illuminati will attack my family and rob me of my mind.

Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?

Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?

Predictability kills me. Leonardo DiCaprio and his next 24-year old supermodel illicit a yawn as much as Blake Shelton gushing over Miranda Lambert. Waiting for Kristen Stewart to go to rehab is much more fun, maybe one of the soulless Jenner sisters will beat her to it.

Of course, no list of all things rotten would be complete without the Bill Cosbys, Kardashians and football players behaving badly. But that would be really predictable, wouldn’t it?

Please don't tell anyone that I don't know if  like Beyonce. I'm afraid for my life to admit it.

Please don’t tell anyone that I don’t know if like Beyonce. I’m afraid for my life to admit it.

Bill Cosby, lecherous predator.

Bill Cosby, lecherous predator. Phony Hall of Fame recipient.

My therapist is concerned about my negativity, here’s a stab at happiness: Stuff I dig.

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Okay, enough with the constant negativity, no more cantankerous Kathleen, welcome to the spring-influenced Kathleen. I shed my persona of the malaise, apathy and disdain that I cloak it in, and want to share a few of my favorite things.

I'm not usually the princess type.

I’m not usually the princess type.

Lily James in “Cinderella” I can’t remember the last time I was so astounded by an actor’s performance and by their sheer beauty. Lily James’ performance reminded me why I go to the movies: to get lost in the magic of the story. It was refreshing to be moved without being disturbed, and to see a children’s movie without watching some Oscar-nominated actor try to steal every scene by overacting. Hello, Angelina Jolie and her co-starring “Maleficent” prosthetic cheekbones. More Lily James in absolutely everything, please..

Meet Nick Jonas. Now that Justin Timberlake’s temples are

Nick Jonas, the new Justin Timberlake. Yes, I went there.

Nick Jonas, the new Justin Timberlake. Yes, I went there.

graying and he’s baby proofing his palace for his super-human baby with Jessica Biel, allow me to pass his torch to Nick Jonas. Oh, “sacrilegious” you cry? Listen and watch again. Nick Jonas has the voice, the vision and the abs to be a pop sensation contender. He polished his roots in a pretty decent boy band, can play a slew of instruments and is flexing his bad boy muscles for all to salivate over, or is that just me?

Fennel keeps me well-preserved. I eat raw fennel every day,

This picture has me salivating.

This picture has me salivating.

all day long. It’s a fairly expensive habit, but more affordable than some of my nasty young adult addictions. I dig the crunch and the wonders of a vegetable that tastes like black licorice. I’ve been told that it cures an upset stomach, and it does calm me after my daily consumption of gallons of coffee.

Dan Harris, teach me how to meditate.

Dan Harris, teach me how to meditate.

Male newscasters are my new rock stars. Oh, George Stephanopoulos, how I enjoy your full head of ruffled hair, your small stature and smart suits. You’re so well-informed, intelligent and Greek. Let’s not forget about geek-chic Dan Harris, that meditating fox. I suggest that we all go somewhere lovely, order a few extra dry martinis and you can both explain the intricacies of Yemen and I can break down the differences between the Jonas brothers.

It’s a Redhead Riot: I am attracted to gingers, I want to be near

Florence, I want to kiss you, then braid your hair, then drink bourbon with you.

Florence, I want to kiss you, then braid your hair, then drink bourbon with you.

them, I enjoy staring at their hair and wonder if it’s turning white like mine. To be fair, my hair is a bottled red, but it was, at one time, before jadedness and wretchedness crept into my pores, it was a lovely red. Redhead’s hair tends to fade and go white, but who cares? The journey was splendid. Much like my fondness for redheads, I am also enamored of freckles, on both men and women. Yes, I am attracted to redheaded men and maybe even married one. The marriage was brief, but his hair was divine. Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Ron Weasley, I’m talking to you, you are my people.

 

 

I love Elliott Smith in a spiritual sense.

I love Elliott Smith in a spiritual sense.

I love Elliott Smith. His music is timeless beauty drenched in melancholy, grit and heroin, his voice sparkles with delicate touches of longing, depression and humor. Watching Elliott Smith play live was a high in my life, I was so close that I could touch him and he was so fucking good. I can’t believe that he died and every year, I feel my own mortality when the anniversary of his death gets longer and longer. He died twelve years ago and his latest CD, “From a Basement on the Hill, has not moved from my life since. Give it a try, it’s angry and lovely, heart-breaking and life-affirming. It’s Elliott.

Coconut oil will cure what ails you.

Coconut oil will cure what ails you.

Moisturizer is my friend.

I’m taking aging by her wrinkled throat, and I am squeezing the life from her. I will not go down without a Housewives-style fight. I slather my face so heavily that I look like an oil spill. When I wake up in the middle of the night because of my aging bladder, I put on a dollop of whatever moisturizer I’ve got, and I have plenty.

I’m creative with my moisturizer, constantly searching for that fountain of youth. I’ve got the store brands, but I also lubricate my face with coconut oil, olive oil and a blend of vitamin e with essential oils. I’ve applied Vaseline, lemon, yogurt and avocados all over my freckled face. The results are not Jen Aniston, but I think I look younger than Lindsey Lohan.

Therapy. We should all be in therapy, there’s nothing that

I should have been a psychiatrist.

I should have been a psychiatrist.

makes me feel more important and justified. I‘ve seen so many: there was the older gentleman that would cajole me into purchasing expensive handbags because I liked them. He was like a father figure, if my father had absolutely no rules. I’d tell him about a drunken adventure and he’d listen with glee. His office was blanketed in expensive mahogany, and his magazines were top-notch.

I then moved onto a psychologist, a refined, thin, well-maintained woman of a certain age, old-age. She’d try to get at why dressing well was so important to me and chastise me for being so hard on myself. She’d often ask “Do you want to be known as the life of the party?” The true answer is that, yes, I do. Is that a crime?

See, I don’t hate absolutely everything. Next week’s list will include things that I despise and I have a premonition that it will be a bit longer.

xo

Madonna’s fall, E’s Fashion Police is out of style, Ryan Phillippe’s abs make a comeback, and do you hate me because I think Kid Rock is lame?

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A crack about Madonna breaking her hip is just too obvious, I am more worried that she may have fractured the tiny souls she’s consumed over the years to look this good at 56. Those souls live in her body and Madonna thrives off of their sweat, tears and blood. Don’t worry though, Kabbalah heals all.

Is it an insult to smell of weed and patchouli at 18? That was my ode to life scent.

Is it an insult to smell of weed and patchouli at 18? That was my ode to life scent.

Guiliana irks me as she fuels the fire for strangers to urge her to eat a cheeseburger. I try to keep my thoughts on people’s weight to myself because, well, have you seen me lately? However, for G, as her E News’ family of horrors call her, she made her health personal by chronicling her infertility and her fight with breast cancer. Her insights were touching, but G’s insistence that her career necessitates that she be rail thin is bogus, she demands that on herself. I don’t pretend to understand, kleptomania and an eating disorder are probably the only two dangerous behaviors I did not

Do not take fashion advice from these idiots.

Do not take fashion advice from these idiots.

dabble with in my troubled youth, but G looks frighteningly frail. Regardless, Fashion Police should end and G needs to take a few weeks off, regroup, get back to her “journalistic roots” and rejoice in the absence of Kelly Osbourne.

Kelly, my favorite, most annoying violet-haired, uneducated

OH, remember when Kelly O. was young, untalented and always looked ridiculous? an she go wherever they're keeping Avril?

Remember when Kelly O. was young, untalented and always looked ridiculous?

celebrity spawn. Let’s all celebrate that she jumped from the sinking ship that is E Fashion Police, but spun it to appear that she was offended by G’s ruthless comments about Zendaya. Kelly O. is not as dumb as I thought, she’s got some of Sharon’s rotten blood flowing in her veins: she knew that without Joan Rivers, this show is useless and she got out before it got really bad.

I don't know if he can act, but his abs can.

I don’t know if he can act, but his abs can.

ABC’s Secrets and Lies is worth the watch. Ryan Phillippe is the star and his glorious abs have a costarring role. I never knew how much I missed Ryan until I watched a few minutes of this show. How I longed for his strong jaw, shifty eyes, off-key delivery and yes, his abs. Juliet Lewis strips herself of her usual quirkiness and plays a detective, the best in her field, of course. It’s entertaining and there’s some kind of murder mystery wrapped around Phillippe’s defined biceps.

Kid Rock’s getting stale.

People are like, ‘Beyoncé’s hot. Got a nice fucking ass.’ I’m like, ‘Cool, I like skinny white chicks with big tits.’ Doesn’t really fucking do much for me.”

An excerpt from Kid Rock’s insipid interview in Rolling Stone.

If you want a hearty laugh of the “oh, where’s the humanity?”

Kid Rock: American Bad Ass

Kid Rock: American Bad Ass

variety, pick up the latest issue of Rolling Stone and read the Kid Rock article. No, I’m not whining about his love of hunting, I’m no PETA card-holder, but just read it to witness Kid Rock’s coolness thin like his scraggly hair. I don’t hate Kid Rock, he’s stayed relevant for years and he hasn’t changed his redneck ways, but I have a problem with his created existence. Kid Rock is from Romeo, Michigan. His father owned several car dealerships and the family lived on a six-acre orchard where they would ride horses and pick apples. Sounds ideal, right? Sounds drastically different than his “American bad-ass” persona. Yes, rednecks can hail from affluent backgrounds, but that is not what Kid Rock professes to be. He wants you to read about his simple life, shooting wildlife in his double wide. Bore.

Harrison Ford for President?

Harrison Ford for President?

Harrison Ford is landing a plane at the age of 72 and I need to swallow a fistful of anti-anxiety meds to get on a plane? Damn, this man is a true American bad-ass, can he show Kid Rock how it’s done? In true Beverly Hills fashion, after Harrison Ford landed his plane, he was assisted by a spine surgeon who just so happened to be golfing in the area Ford crashed. Only in L.A.

More Prince every day and in every way.

More Prince every day and in every way.

Hello Prince.

In my mind, Prince was on the basketball team that I cheered for in high school, but then I remember that my high school was 99.4 free of funk.

Grammys: Beck’s brilliance shines,Kayne West is dumb, Madonna delivers something, Gwen Stefani should keep to the silly stuff.

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I kept myself awake to write this stupid blog.

I kept myself awake to write this stupid blog.

The Grammys were dull and filled with ballads, but I watched it all, every off-key note, every exposed side boob and each time Sam Smith recited a totally uninspiring acceptance speech. Yawn.

beck-624-1367411586

Kayne, let me introduce you to a true visionary, Mr. Beck Hansen.

But who cares? Beck won three Grammys and if there’s anything you need to know about me, it’s that I love Beck in an unnatural way. I love Beck the way I should love my family. So, now I have a new enemy: Mr. Kayne West Kardashian. By now, we all know that Kayne, in his bare chested glory, swaggered on stage while Beck was accepting his well-deserved Grammy in protest of Beyonce not winning. What a clown. Mr. West Kardashian, you’re needed in the lobby, Kris Jenner needs her colonic and your dad-in-law Brucey needs to be reminded where his soul and testacles are located.

 The Grammy Goods

Miranda Lambert What a surprise, I never knew that Miranda Lambert was a rocker. She was the first good performance of the evening. Lambert commandeered the stage and was the only rebel that had to be bleeped for swearing.

Sia with Kristen Wig and Maddie Ziegler. What can’t Kristen

I've got nothing but love for this.

I’ve got nothing but love for this.

Wig do? She’s hysterical, a fine actress and a captivating modern dancer. “Chandelier” was the most enthralling performance of the evening, and my most-loved song of the year. How kind of Sia to write a song documenting my early 20s.

Annie Lennox & Hozier Annie Lennox was the strongest vocal performance of the night. The woman can sing and she and Hozier made a dynamic duo.

Beck Speaks Beck won three Grammys, including the aforementioned Kayne-infected Album of the Year triumph. Beck spoke and I listened to every word he

Beck is fond of redheads. Marissa Ribissi, Beck's wife since 2004.

Beck is fond of redheads. Marissa Ribissi, Beck’s wife since 2004.

uttered. He kissed his wife, Marissa Ribisi of “Dazed & Confused” fame and Giovanni Ribissi’s twin sister, and thanked his children. Beck went on to harmonize with Chris Martin for a beautiful performance of “Heart Is a Drum”.

This is what we do in lil' Rhody.

This is what we do in lil’ Rhody.

John Mayer & Ed Sheeran Who cares about this performance if not for the fact that Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift are pals as all we Rhode Islanders know by seeing the pictures of Ed hanging with T. Swizzle in our sweet little state. John Mayer broke TayTay’s young heart and continues to bash her in the media while dating her nemesis Katy Perry. Got all that? Hmm, where was that camera crew to get Taylor’s reaction to this collaboration?

I'm attracted to redheads and pretentious men. Really, I am.

I’m attracted to redheads and pretentious men. Really, I am.

John Mayer reminds me of most the boys I went to college with that wouldn’t date me for all the Brooks Brothers clothing in the world. He resembles most Connecticut bred assholes I’ve ever met: good looking, well-dressed, from a solid background and completely obnoxious.

Madonna Madonna was never famous for her pipes and voices

It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad.

don’t get stronger with age, but she’s Madonna, and she’s freaking 56 years old. I don’t know how much puppy blood she’s consumed to look this good, but keep doing what you’re doing Madge.

The Boringly Bad

Ariana Grande, pure mediocrity at it’s prettiest. Is Ariana the new rich man’s X-tina Aguilera?

Katy Perry I do not care if this was a powerful anthem about domestic abuse, it was a sonic Ambien. The performance reminded me of my childhood dance recital skits- overly emotional, too much makeup and a lot of accolades for nothing. Katy, your crowning moment from the Super Bowl was short-lived and you’ve been placed back on my Queen of Drivel list.

They must see the same dermatologist.

They must see the same dermatologist.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban Are they morphing into one another? Just an observation.

Meghan Trainor mentioned her Nashville roots. I’m confused because she is from Nantucket, MA, just about as far from Nashville as possible. Maybe she meant that she and Brian Williams both saved Nashville from a zombie apocalypse brought on by her nasally voice. That makes sense.

Gwen Stefani & Adam Levine The worst performance of the night must be  given to my usual love Gwen Stefani. She warbled her way through some soul-sucking ballad with Adam Levine. Ouch. I am fond of Stefani, but let’s stick to the silly stuff and keep the power ballads to, well, anyone else. After this debacle, I don’t think she should be judging anyone’s voice on “The Voice”. Don’t believe me? Take a listen.

Mary J. Blige Once Mary J. Blige and all her self righteousness takes the stage, that’s the sign it’s time for the show to slowly peter out. I’m Sam Smithed out and his pairing with Mary J. Blige sounded great, but once again, what a bore.

Back to Kayne, one last time.

I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us,” Kim Kardashian’s better half blabbered. “We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyonce.”

Kayne, you really are a joke and the punchline is that you don’t know it, and that makes the universal joke just so much funnier.

I stalk rock stars. Part 1.

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I stalk rock stars. It used be a large part of my life. My plan was to befriend them, party with them and maybe become a groupie, but damn my Catholic upbringing, it always gets in the way of the real bad stuff. When I was young and hot, I’d jump onstage during rock shows, lurk post-show at hotels to catch a glimpse and deliver cookies to the creepy men that guarded the backstage door. I was a detective; I’d locate the lead singer’s number and call him at ridiculous times. I was cunning. I attribute all this rock star lust and silliness to my poor grades in high school, but I was a great success.

Tanya Donelly

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I'm back!

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I’m back!

Just last week I met one of my idols, Tanya Donelly of Belly, Throwing Muses and Breeders fame, and an incredible solo artist. In the mid-90s I spent valuable time pestering my professor, Donelly’s step-father, for information on Tanya. I would bombard him with an assortment of intrusive questions about his rock-n-roll family and show up at Belly shows pleading with him to get me backstage. He was a kind man, but he put an end to it with one statement: “Shouldn’t you spend more time completing your papers than you do learning about my daughter’s life?”  I got the picture and a C+ in his class.

Last thirsty Thursday, I saw Tanya play at The Salvation Cafe in Newport for an intimate acoustic show that also included the consistently great Brothers Kendall. The set list included little bits of brilliance like “Not Too Soon” and “Dusted”. Special guests Gail Greenwood and Dave Narcizo added to the nostalgia. I saw Belly in 1993, 1994 and 1995 and I felt just as young watching Tanya Donelly last week.

Courtney, I’ll start smoking cigarettes again for you.

I see a real resemblance, do you?

I see a real resemblance, do you?

Meeting Courtney Love was the highlight of my life. Yes, I’ve had a bunch of kids and been married once or twice, but meeting Courtney Love was the most euphoric experience of my life. Giving birth was a highlight, but it was bloody and scary and filled with IVs and defecation. Too much? Always. 

I am not an overly ambitious person, but when given the slight chance of meeting Courtney, I seized the day, I was unstoppable. I weaseled my way past hundreds of people and managed to be the first photo- op of the evening. Courtney was at an art exhibit showcasing her own artwork and I was ready to take her with me for the rest of our lives. Love was gracious and warm, I told her that she’s “my world” and then she and I discussed how similarly we were dressed. Messed up minds do think alike.

At the end of the evening, I yelled over to Courtney and her large entourage, “Courtney, we’re on our way to a rock show, come with us, drinks on me!” She shook her head with a smirking, disapproving look. Pure bliss.

Loudon Wainwright III, we shall meet again.

Families that Love Loudon Stay Together

My brother started this one. He’s been to see Loudon Wainwright III more times than I’ve shampooed my hair. It’s been going on for decades, but my fanatic involvement has been for a little over a decade. Within that time, I’ve seen Loudon in New York City, Memphis, Boston, Fall River, the Berkshires and maybe even a few I don’t remember. At times, there’s copious amounts of alcohol swirled into these evenings.

Loudon’s performance pecks at my heart little by little each time, his voice resonates and I’m suddenly surrounded by memories, good and bad. It’s a beautiful, emotional and at times uncomfortable few hours. Loudon is a writer, a poet, an actor, a name dropper, a folk-music patriarch and a dynamic showman.

I’ve met him a few times now. My brother, sister and I have been to dinner with Loudon and those nights have been some of the happiest moments of my life. Most Irish Americans have a picture of JFK in their homes, but we all have a picture of Loudon Wainwright III.

To be continued.

The Official Rulebook on Children’s Party Decorum

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Let Buffy eat the cake.

Let Buffy eat the cake.

Hosting a child’s birthday party is stupidly stressful and I move to get back to my modest roots and reinstate the McDonald’s birthday parties of 1981. Goody bags? Here’s your Happy Meal. Games? Run yourselves ragged on that poorly constructed plastic labyrinth of fun: The Mcy D’z playground.

Where the rulebook? Every time I deliver my kid to Buffy’s Birthday Extravaganza, I just want the escape, I crave to hear those heavenly words, “feel free to drop him off and come back to 2pm.” But even then, I have to worry about the menacing dog or the delinquent older brother with the really bad skin who appears to be planning his own natural disaster. So, here’s the Official Rulebook on Children’s Parties:

To Drink or not to Drink? Even worse are the parties that are merely a means for the adults to booze. I’ve been known to take the bait and knock a few back with Buffy’s great aunt, but it never feels right, does it? Trying to swallow warm chardonnay while listening to some stranger complain about the public school department is right up there with hearing about dental work. Please, just stop.

Tie down that bouncy house.

Tie down that bouncy house.

Hosts and hostesses, stop urging parents to grab a drink when you’ve provided one bottle of white wine that’s been fermenting for an hour. I do not want to arm wrestle the grandma for a glass. And, really, I’m going to need eight screwdrivers to null the sound of the bouncy house mayhem.

It's not that hard, really.

It’s not that hard, really.

The Lost Art of RSVPs is Mortifying: Buffy’s mom & dad, we all know HOW busy you are, mostly because it’s the only conversation we ever have, “I’m so busy I forgot and spoon-fed Buffy gluten!!”, but here’s refresher: RSVP is a request for a response from the invited person. It is derived from the French phrase Répondez s’il vous plaît, literally “Reply if you please” or “Reply please”. So, if I am going to invite your bundle of joy to my little shindig the least you can do is call, text, email or throw something at me to let me know if Buffy is gracing us with his adorable presence. The same can be stated for adult parties (yes, I still throw some of those, too). Just do it, you’ll feel so much better.

Even Allison eats the cake. Sexy.

Let Them Eat Cake. Really, just let Buffy eat the damned cake. Nobody wants to listen to the insipid negotiation over having a slice of cake. Please, just let Buffy eat the cake, and the ice cream and the potato chips. It’s a party.

Watching the Detective. How did you get your house so thoroughly clean? We’re all engaging in some investigative research while attending these parties. I’m spending every moment wondering how people clean their house so well, but other questions I’m pondering include how often the parents get it on, if they have a housekeeper, how much the parents love/loathe each other and I’m also scouring the joint for pictures from their youth. Just beware, we’re all doing it.

Cheers to the kid that recently greeted me at his elaborate front door with the greeting, “we’re rich, and we have tennis courts!” Yes, Buffy, you are rich and you do indeed have tennis courts. Unfortunately, your home birthday party was still a terrible bore, your parents appear to tolerate each other’s presence and your aunt is a lush. Happy Birthday to you!

Book Review: Susannah Cahalan’s Brain on Fire

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Not an easy read, but a good read.

Not an easy read, but a good read. It will soon be a movie starring Dakota Fanning,

Susannah Cahalan’s Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness is an addictive book that tells the story of Cahalan’s nightmarish medical mystery that attacked her brain and struck her with madness for weeks before being properly diagnosed as a rare autoimmune disorder. Cahalan, a New York Post journalist, was 24 years old at the time she began suffering from seizures that soon resulted in violent, paranoid and erratic outbursts. She was a driven, articulate, interesting and beautiful daughter, girlfriend and writer that woke up to find herself hospitalized for a month, surrounded by the best doctors in the world stumped by what was happening to her brain. Cahalan chronicles her insanity and her loved ones struggles to find out what depleted their intelligent Susannah into a catatonic, sometimes manic patient left without words and barely able to walk.

At first, there’s just darkness and silence.

“Are my eyes open? Hello?”

I can’t tell if I’m moving my mouth or if there’s even anyone to ask. It’s too dark to see. I blink once, twice, three times. There is a dull foreboding in the pit of my stomach. That, I recognize. My thoughts translate only slowly into language, as if emerging from a pot of molasses. Word by word the questions come: Where am I? Why does my scalp itch? Where is everyone? Then the world around me comes gradually into view, beginning as a pinhole, its diameter steadily expanding. Objects emerge from the murk and sharpen into focus.

I know immediately that I need to get out of here.

FROM THE PREFACE OF BRAIN ON FIRE

Cahalan lives to tell her story and her sheer strength as a journalist is evident as she investigates each doctor, every false diagnosis and reviews taped footage of her hospital stay. She interviews family members, nurses and doctors while providing a thorough understanding of the brain and its intricacies. There is not an ounce of vanity in Brain on Fire, Cahalan opens her life and her brain for all to see.

Shotgun Lovesongs by Nickolas Butler

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Buy this book for your oldest pal.

Buy this book for your oldest pal.

Nickolas Butler’s smooth debut novel Shotgun Lovesongs is a poignant love story penned for the collective hometown we forget how much we love and miss. A mismatched group of music-loving Midwestern friends find themselves fleeing from, returning to, or being unable to leave their modest yet respectable Wisconsin upbringing. They adore each other and their hometown with a destructive and loyal fervor. The close-knit crew produces one wildly successful rock star, a defected rodeo cowboy and a few seemingly happily married couples. Beth, the sturdy, intelligent center of the group is loved by all and unaware of her influence on the men she’s known for as long as she’s known anything.

The book goes down like a smooth shot of whiskey bought for you by your long lost high school pal. Why do young adults run from the comforts of home just to be an unknown in a strange land? Is one’s first love the only real love? Are all relationships merely replacements for what once was? Butler tackles the sticky parts of growing up in a small town, failing and succeeding while one’s own little slice of Americana judges and applauds. 

The Golden Globes, Cameron Diaz lands a Madden, did Sia just save Shia Labeouf’s career?

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GG

Another month, another awards’ program to stomach.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were their usual breath of hot foul air breathed in the faces of Hollywood elite. Special thank you to both for publicly flogging Bill Cosby, he deserves every lash. Who is encouraging Cosby to continue with his ill-advised comedy tour? It’s so gross. I digress, onto the Globes. While I don’t criticize the fashion much because my own style blends Cyndi Lauper circa 1988 with grandmother chic couture, I can certainly pick on a few attendees.

Let's try some red lips, feathers and purple. It's time Jen.

Let’s try some red lips, feathers and purple. It’s time Jen.

Jen Aniston, if you applied some red lipstick and donned a big purple dress, I think we’d all forget about that silly Brad Pitt thing. You have not changed a highlighted hair on your head during your long career and the media can’t forget about your past because you don’t change. Please, consider something drastic.

KateHudson 1Kate 3Premiere of 'Raising Helen'Kate Hudson, you effervescent flower child with the visible clavicle, can you alter your California girl look? We are so proud of you for resisting the urge to have hit up Goldie for some C cups when you were a teenager, but must we be reminded at every award show? Please, I beg you for a high necked gown.

I wanted to cry too.

I wanted to cry too.

Chrissy Teigen and I looked alike for a brief second; she cried with joy over her husband John Legend winning Best Original Song from Selma while I cried because Lorde was robbed of the title. Yellow Flicker Beat is such a better song.

 Prince, you can do no wrong. The 60 seconds that you graced the Globes with your presence were the best moments of the show. More prince in everything.

The Week in La La Land

I want to be happy for perpetual cool unmarried girl Cameron Diaz finding matrimonial bliss with a Madden brother, but I

These tattoos may not age well.

These tattoos may not age well.

The Madden Bros., they're marrying well.

The Madden Bros., they’re marrying well.

notice his odd shape, and how uninspiring his tattoos appear and I start to feel bad for her. Much like my first wedding, I know that the hip kids were taking bets on how long the union would last. My bet? Four years.

How did these Madden brothers, of marginal talent, marry Hollywood royalty? Does Lionel Ritchie have to pass the peas to the Madden brother twins while trying to figure out which one is married to his daughter?

This is five minutes of pure, deeply uncomfortable joy. I enjoy this Sia song as interpreted by Shia Labeouf and Maddy from Dance Moms. I love that the video is bothering so many people and that it’s disturbing to watch.

2014: A Not Bad Year

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2014: A year of nothing much?

2014: A year of nothing much?

365 days filled with Kardashian filth, Meghan Trainor’s increasingly annoying voice, Chris Pratt’s hotness, ebola and a flurry of hacking scandals.

2014 Loves

Donna Tartt's latest novel will capture you for days.

Donna Tartt’s latest novel will capture you for days.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson's girl, is a fresh face in music.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson’s girl, is a fresh face in music.

1. Movies were good, “Gone Girl” “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Boyhood” were highly entertaining. Cool books include Donna Tartt’s “The Goldflinch” and Meg Wolitzer’s “The Interestings” and “Belzhar”. New music by Lana Del Rey, Jack White and FKA Twigs were stellar standouts.

2. Lana Del Rey is exactly what I crave from a rock star; she’s troubled, intelligent and beautiful with addictive tendencies and questionable taste in men. Del Rey’s sexiness and darkness make up for all the stupid things she keeps saying in interviews and for her lack of credibility. I do love a Connecticut girl gone bad. Her macabre album Ultraviolence is hauntingly cool and her videos are luscious.

3. Jay Z. and Solange: Hate in the Elevator This was the must see silent movie of the year. It cements my belief that Beyonce is not human, she’s actually a robotic alien that Jay Z. created when he was slinging crack as a teenager. She never did give birth to Blue Ivy, Blue Ivy is actually a robotic alien that eats money and platinum for nourishment.The silent movie of the year.

4. Jack White is the coolest man in the world. It’s unhealthy how much I dig him. I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself for missing his Newport Folk Festival performance this year. Lazaretto does not disappoint.

5. Who was Lena Dunham first? Her or me?  I think I could have been Lena Dunham, but better. I watch “Girls”, speed read through her ridiculous friggin memoir “Not That kind of Girl” and smash my modest upbringing, “I’m Lena Dunham without the NYC pedigree and famous folks!”

tumblr_m4cly6bgak1qcqil7

She’s stealing my shtick.

Sour grapes? Maybe. I love to hate Lena Dunham, hate to love her. I’m repulsed and turned on by her constant state of undress. I cringe at and envy her homely designer clothes. I appreciate her rocker beau’s band The Bleachers. She’s so complicated, a lot like someone else I know.

6. Nick Jonas: Goodbye purity ring, hello abs.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

I always knew that Nick Jonas was the hottest Jonas Brother, even when he was the 12 year old kid breaking Miley Cyrus’ heart. Nick Jonas, welcome to the perverted world of every middle aged woman that took their kids to see Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience and could sense your pre-pubescent attractiveness lurking under your fedora. Did I mention that I am fond of this song?

7. Shovels & Rope is a terrific new band, this husband and wife duo are a gritty mix of whiskey, talent and love. Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk” may be the best song of the year, and he was the best part of both the Super Bowl and Saturday Night Live. NBC’s Parenthood is just about as good as a television drama can be.

The Lowest of the Lows

1. Bill Cosby is a predator and anyone that is defending him is on my shit list. Whoopie, I am talking to you. His first public display of poor decision making was firing my first bad girl love Lisa Bonet in 1991 for “creative differences”. The girl was merely exercising her artistic freedom.

Fun times.

Fun times.

2. Gwynnie and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled” or started to loathe each other after a bland ten years together and filed for divorced, as we mortals call it. This breakup will remain friendly until they start fighting over the juicer machine, tan cashmere sweaters and yoga mats. Yawn. Martin almost redeemed his own mediocrity by dating Jennifer Lawrence while the rest of the world just gazed at Jennifer’s nude photos. Didn’t last long, but good try Chris.

Kardashian broke her face.

Kardashian broke the internet and her face.

3. What do I despise about the Kardashians? I hate their deep voices void of infliction or words over three syllables long, I cringe at their dead valley girl jargon. I detest their dark, shiny and glossy hair screaming for a different style, I abhor their hairy babies with stupid names. I’m disgusted by their mascara application habits and shared taste in bohemian wear and I especially cannot tolerate that I once thought Kanye West was the real deal.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

4. Andy Cohen, you need an image consultant. 2014 thrust you on the edge of awful. I actually sat down and read this “book” you just published “A Deep Look at a Shallow Year”. Andy, I am worried. I thought you went to BU? I thought you were smart. After reading this book I was reminded of my journal as an 8th grader. But, you are a 46 year old man. Your first novel was a fun read, but this is a waste of time. Do I have to read 24 pages to get to two stories that include you partying with Madonna? Your Housewives franchise should partner with America’s Most Wanted. Tacky.

5. Roger Goodell, most of Sony and my local Starbucks barista should be fired.

During my misspent youth I was fired for getting my nose pierced, wearing a Ministry t-shirt to work, habitual lateness and for throwing up in a cafe bathroom during 4th of July weekend in a tourist town, but these executive-level assholes just can’t get fired.

Isn't there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

Isn’t there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

I make a sport out of not watching football, but this season has been difficult to ignore.No amount of Tom Brady closeups can get rid of the taste of domestic assault, child abuse and rapes that Goodell is not handling properly. Roger Goodell made $44.2 million in 2013. Why is he still employed at the NFL? He is a public relations disaster.And those public service announcements that are now being played ad nauseam  are terrible. Stop. Yes, I know nothing about football but I do know a thing or two about being fired. Let him go!

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

Amy Pascal and the gang at Sony are guilty of not having a clue. Don’t we all know to be careful when composing corporate emails? How can this group of professional ass kissers still be employed after biting the hands that feed them? The stars that they are paid to worship.

Yeah and my local Starbucks barista is a mess. I can’t believe that I give him money to screw up my coffee order every week.

grande

I will pay you to stop Grande’s career. Her brother may stay, but she’s got to go.

6. Ariana Grande is as wretched a human being as she is a pop star. Reports surfaced that she berates staff, insists on being cradled like a baby after performances and only allows photographers to frame the left side of her face. What can I do to stop her meteoric rise? Can I pay someone with my soul to produce audio of her saying racist words? Can we drum up a child abuse story? Anything, just put an end to the Ariana.

Lice, homemaking and me.

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I found something that made me want to stay home and clean: lice.

Lice invaded my world and my mind.

Lice invaded my world and my mind.

Yes, lice, I can’t even type the word without mauling my scalp with my fingernails. Lice invaded my home and stayed for a few itchy days. I have never cleaned, washed and embraced homemaking before seeing a louse in my son’s hair. It was both disgusting and amazing. How, where, why? I was energized every time I located a nit or a bug. The joy I had with every removal was pure and unbridled.

I scoured the internet for each and every at-home remedy. I washed my hair with Listerine, slathered coconut oil all over my scalp and sprayed a blend or rosemary and tea tree oil all over my house.

Come to momma, you little louse.

Come to momma, you little louse.

I bagged clothes, toys and bedding and exiled them all to the backyard giddy with excitement over the lice being frozen to death. I whispered in my son’s ear in a sing-song voice “we’re going to kill those bugs in your head, don’t you worry”.

I lost my mind.

I had to end the week with enough vodka to silence the bugs I thought were in my hair and the ones that invaded my mind.

The Sony scandal: A Christmas present to me.

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Angie & Amy Pascal in happier times. "Angie, "Cleopatra" will be the role of a lifetime," Pascal whispers in Angie's ear.

Angie & Amy Pascal in happier times. “Angie, “Cleopatra” will be the role of a lifetime,” Pascal whispers in Angie’s ear.

The Sony hacking scandal is a Christmas present to me from the pop-culture Gods. It started off so promising (Angelina Jolie is spoiled brat!), but it’s fizzled into another tale of corporate executives behaving poorly. Shall we recap what we’ve learned?

Angelina sucks what's left of Amy Pascal's soul out.

Angelina sucks what’s left of Amy Pascal’s soul out.

  1. Angelina Jolie is spoiled: Again, not shocking. What I do enjoy is that Rudin calls Jolie untalented because I partially agree. I know that Jolie has talent somewhere hidden in her 95 pound frame, but I haven’t personally witnessed it since 2005’s “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. What has Jolie been in that is even remotely watchable? I will not include “Maleficent’ because that’s a children’s film. Here’s an email from Rudin about Angelina Jolie’s maddening pursuit to star in “Cleopatra”.

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

Sandler models the latest in junior high P.E. garb.

Sandler models the latest in junior high P.E. garb.

2. Adam Sandler is an asshole: This is no big surprise. Adam Sandler’s movie career has been in catastrophic decline since the early 90s and I will never forgive him for stealing two hours of my life with “Grown Ups”, I still cannot believe that there was actually a sequel to this movie. Unbelievable.

Here’s Amy Pascal, another executive that has never heard of spell check, take on Sandler:

“Adam is an asshile [sic] and this is more his fault than anyone’s but what we did was not communicate with each other and make assumptions maybe I didn’t pay attention when you were telling me what I was walking into but it also comes from a non alien meant between us all and too many people doing everything and no one taking responsibility and I mean myself as it is my responsibility to let you guys know what I want to breath [sic] life into,” replied Pascal.

Scott Rudin, I think I love you.

Scott Rudin, I think I love you.

  1. Executives don’t spell check, capitalize or care about grammar: Damn, I’m a part-time corporate writer and even I do not send out an email with grammatical errors, rampant USE OF CAPITALS and general distaste of punctuation that these media titans do. Amy Pascal and Scott Rudin each make an annual salary of over 3 million dollars. I do not have a fancy MBA that taught me to reread what I have written and to be very careful of what I put in an email. Tssk- tssk.

Deep thoughts on the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: Rock Stars Marry Angels, Hozier is Having an Identity Crisis

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What is a week without an awards show? I forced myself to sit through the recent VS Fashion Show and concert. No, not for the fashion, I’m more of a full-support, serious-looking kind of bra wearer, but I digress.

Kings of Leon were awesome a few albums ago. In their band infancy, I really bought their toxicity, appreciated their familial hotness and was impressed with their public displays of debauchery and public drunkenness. But their schtick got stale, they made that pop ballad and didn’t get any better. Did Caleb Followill’s marriage to VS Angel Lilly Albridge contribute to his cleaner image?

Caleb, before he married an angel.

Caleb, before he married an angel.

Lilly, his rock band is not cool anymore. You can do better. May I introduce you to Hozier?

Caleb, post-Angel matrimony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adam Levine is also married to a VS Angel and was, not surprisingly, previously engaged to a different VS Angel. This freakishly handsome man-child from a privileged Hollywood background will never go away, he is here to stay. Yes, his music is ordinary and mediocre, but who cares? He’s got charisma oozing from his well moisturized pores.

What will fade first? His tattoos or their love?

What will fade first? His tattoos or their love?

Right before I nodded off, I was thanked for my hard work with a doozie of delight: Ariana Grande almost got knocked on her noggin by one of those huge Angel wings.

Ariana Grande's constant ponytail permanently disfigured her face.

Ariana Grande’s constant ponytail permanently disfigured her face.

Oh, Hozier, what were you doing there? Sometimes, it’s just not your venue and you’ve got to pass on exposure for artistic integrity. Watching this earnest Irish folk singer singing about God in front of lingerie-clad models was not even ironic in a cool way, it was just awkward. Even worse, his suit was awful and in need of a tailor. Hozier, please do not make me regret praising you and begging others to listen to your excellent CD.

Hozier, call a stylist; this cannot happen at the Grammy's.

Hozier, call a stylist;
this cannot happen at the Grammy’s.

Taylor Swift was amazing. I refuse to be negative about Taylor Swift because she has a home in Rhode Island and I have got serious geographical pride. And, Ed Sheeran is a redhead and I do not criticize redheads, I only adore them. I suffer from a little known disorder termed “Ginger Hysteria”. This condition forces me to think people have red hair when they, in fact, do not have a strand of red hair. I am being medicated for this condition.

Ed Sheeran is alright with me.

Ed Sheeran is alright with me.

 

Should I join the Church of Scientology?

Sticky

 

ChurchofScientology

Scientology, will you have me for a week?

Can I become a member of the Church of Scientology for a week? How much of my soul must I sacrifice to do so? How much of my paltry life savings will it cost me? I am willing to try, just don’t tell my husband.

I am a practicing Catholic. There, I said it in print for my seven subscribers to read. I don’t even know what that means, but I know that I feel a lot of guilt over bashing Catholicism in print. Not because I actually feel badly about it, but because I am a goddamned Catholic and that is what we do: we feel guilt. People tell me that’s what the Jews do also, but I wouldn’t know that because I am not Jewish. I’ve wanted to be Jewish since I was a child but that’s just another of my disappointments. I wanted to be taller and Jewish, wanted to get into Smith and date Elliott Smith, but none of that happened. I did stalk Elliott Smith for a minute, but everything else was impossible to attain, getting into Smith being the most out of reach.

Should Plathism be a cult?

Should Plathism be a cult?

Why Smith? Sylvia Plath went there and I am completely obsessed with Sylvia Plath. If you have not read “The Bell Jar”, stop reading this drivel and read it. Now! Yes, I am talking to you in Ohio, really, it will change your life. Read it and you just may be happy like me.

Elliott, thanks for dropping the restraining order.

Elliott, thanks for dropping the restraining order.

I digress. You, in Silver Lake, call Beck and tell him to get me into the Church of Scientology. I want to talk about my weight gain with Kirstie Alley, then discuss fashion with that droll speaking redhead from “Orange is the New Black”. I’ll spend my nights listening to Juliet Lewis’s awful band and talking addiction with Giovanni Ribisi while stalking his brother-in-law Beck. Yes, Beck is married to Giovanni Ribisi’s twin sister and they’re all kooky scientologists.

A redhead Scientologist and a low talker, love her.

A redhead Scientologist and a low talker, love her.

Your music is awful, but I love your religion.

Your music is awful, but I love your religion.

"Ted" Los Angeles Premiere - Arrivals

This man is Beck’s brother-in-law.

Much like Catholicism in Rhode Island, Scientology seems to be the cool kid religion in Hollywood and I want in to that club. Damn, I should have thought about this twenty years ago.