Everything I need to know, I learned from The Housewives. Dancing with the Stars is in the gutter.

Dancing with life's forgotten has-beens.

Dancing with life’s forgotten has-beens.

Another year of Dancing with the Stars? Calling these has-beens or never-weres stars is akin to calling me a pharmacist: My uncle and grandfather were pharmacists and I do enjoy a pill or two, but no, not quite a pharmacist.

The reason to watch this show is to watch Erin Andrews stumble with the English language and to stare at the guests of the “stars”. Ooh, I spy Bruce Willis sitting with his new wife

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

while his ex-wife and known nitrous oxide enthusiast Demi Moore shoots arrows from her dead eyes into their backs. What is it that Demi is clutching? Oh, it’s just her youth.

While I’m being awful, or myself, whatever you want to call it, it’s time to be brutally honest about Erin Andrews. The best thing that ever happened to her career was being spied on and filmed while undressing in hotel. The

Erin Andrews, journalist.

Erin Andrews, journalist.

film was never made public, the pervert was caught and jailed and now America knows and loves Erin Andrews. The only character America loves more than a good victim is a comeback kid. After the invasion of her privacy, Erin became a television personality without finesse, coolness or apparent intelligence, but damn, she is pretty.

The Housewives: My Spiritual & Social Guide

Teresa was practicing for prison.

Teresa was practicing for prison.

The Housewives have taught me how to navigate life while providing me with endless hours of television-viewing pleasure. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned:

More cleavage: Push those breasts up, baby; cleavage is appropriate for each and every social occasion. Children’s birthday party? Get out the push-up bra and show what you spent your ex-husband’s money on.

Don’t give up on what you care about. Housewives are like lice, they’re hard to squash: The world can’t stop a housewife in her climb to fame. Skinny mess and Beverly Hill’s wifey Taylor

Taylor, you'll always have your lips, until they leak.

Taylor, you’ll always have your lips, until they leak.

Armstrong did not allow a little snafu like her husband’s suicide stop her; she continued swilling white wine for the whole next season. She even found some other sucker to take care of her and her daughter. Cheers to her and her fake lips.

Alcohol does not cause weight gain. If you witness the sheer

Brandy, staggering.

Brandy, staggering.

volume of rosé and white wine that these housewives swill, it’s clear that excessive alcohol must not equal weight gain. Brandy Glanville is a great example of this, I’ve never actually watched her consume food, but her alcohol-intake is impressive. Her constant slur is the best thing that has happened to Leanne Rime’s career since Blue came out in 1996. Leanne stole Brandy’s hubby while Brandy was, no doubt, lost in a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately, no amount of cheap stilettos, rented mansions or cheek filler can heal Brandy’s broken heart. She’s a riveting wreck and every moment she’s on shines like the cubic zirconia on in her ears.

Plastic surgery can’t help an ugly soul.

Tamara of O.C. She's crying. I think

Tamara of O.C. She’s crying. I think

Wowza, from the menopause mammas on the O.C. to the botoxed stick figures on Beverly Hills to the butt injected urbanites on Atlanta, these ladies have had some work done. Poor Tamara from the O.C has been through a divorce, death and a custody battle and she’s not been able to frown, her face is permanently cemented into “resting bitch face”.

Vow renewal ceremonies equal impending divorce: The next

I take thee to leave soon.

I take thee to leave soon.

time you’re invited to a vow renewal ceremony, start the divorce clock; because I can assure you, it’s ticking. Vow renewals are good for a few things: ratings on reality shows and temporary forgiveness for a straying mate. New York’s wide-eyed Ramona and her hunky idiot husband Mario appeared so sincere with their customized vows, but the setting was stages: Mario soon left poor Ramona for a woman twenty years his junior.

The always-annoying and aging supermodel Heidi Klum and one-hit-wonder Seal

One day your in love, the next you're not.

One day you are in love, the next you’re not. Klum, you can leave the marriage.

renewed their vows every year, right until their bitter end. I think she gets to keep their cute kids and he keeps the unattractive ones. Seems fair.

Other failed vow renewal ceremonies: JLO & Marc Anthony- divorced one year later, Madonna & Guy Ritchie, Jon & Kate Gosselin ( I just threw up a little typing their names).

Men are necessary, but useless extravagances that have co-starring roles. Men, don’t quit your day jobs while residing in Housewives’ Hell, you come and go quicker than Brandy Glanville’s vaginal rejuvenation scars.

These ladies can throw it down: The Housewives have flipped tables, thrown wineglasses, pulled weaves, slapped and pushed each other. Much like Dynasty once was taught us, a good old-fashioned cat fight is the highest form of trashy entertainment.  The housewives never learned that it’s rude to point a finger in someone’s face, slap a friend or accidentally urinate while intoxicated (thank you Vicky). Even Andy Cohen has wrinkled many a Prada suit attempting to break up a melee.


Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

2014: A Not Bad Year

2014: A year of nothing much?

2014: A year of nothing much?

365 days filled with Kardashian filth, Meghan Trainor’s increasingly annoying voice, Chris Pratt’s hotness, ebola and a flurry of hacking scandals.

2014 Loves

Donna Tartt's latest novel will capture you for days.

Donna Tartt’s latest novel will capture you for days.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson's girl, is a fresh face in music.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson’s girl, is a fresh face in music.

1. Movies were good, “Gone Girl” “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Boyhood” were highly entertaining. Cool books include Donna Tartt’s “The Goldflinch” and Meg Wolitzer’s “The Interestings” and “Belzhar”. New music by Lana Del Rey, Jack White and FKA Twigs were stellar standouts.

2. Lana Del Rey is exactly what I crave from a rock star; she’s troubled, intelligent and beautiful with addictive tendencies and questionable taste in men. Del Rey’s sexiness and darkness make up for all the stupid things she keeps saying in interviews and for her lack of credibility. I do love a Connecticut girl gone bad. Her macabre album Ultraviolence is hauntingly cool and her videos are luscious.

3. Jay Z. and Solange: Hate in the Elevator This was the must see silent movie of the year. It cements my belief that Beyonce is not human, she’s actually a robotic alien that Jay Z. created when he was slinging crack as a teenager. She never did give birth to Blue Ivy, Blue Ivy is actually a robotic alien that eats money and platinum for nourishment.The silent movie of the year.

4. Jack White is the coolest man in the world. It’s unhealthy how much I dig him. I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself for missing his Newport Folk Festival performance this year. Lazaretto does not disappoint.

5. Who was Lena Dunham first? Her or me?  I think I could have been Lena Dunham, but better. I watch “Girls”, speed read through her ridiculous friggin memoir “Not That kind of Girl” and smash my modest upbringing, “I’m Lena Dunham without the NYC pedigree and famous folks!”


She’s stealing my shtick.

Sour grapes? Maybe. I love to hate Lena Dunham, hate to love her. I’m repulsed and turned on by her constant state of undress. I cringe at and envy her homely designer clothes. I appreciate her rocker beau’s band The Bleachers. She’s so complicated, a lot like someone else I know.

6. Nick Jonas: Goodbye purity ring, hello abs.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

I always knew that Nick Jonas was the hottest Jonas Brother, even when he was the 12 year old kid breaking Miley Cyrus’ heart. Nick Jonas, welcome to the perverted world of every middle aged woman that took their kids to see Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience and could sense your pre-pubescent attractiveness lurking under your fedora. Did I mention that I am fond of this song?

7. Shovels & Rope is a terrific new band, this husband and wife duo are a gritty mix of whiskey, talent and love. Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk” may be the best song of the year, and he was the best part of both the Super Bowl and Saturday Night Live. NBC’s Parenthood is just about as good as a television drama can be.

The Lowest of the Lows

1. Bill Cosby is a predator and anyone that is defending him is on my shit list. Whoopie, I am talking to you. His first public display of poor decision making was firing my first bad girl love Lisa Bonet in 1991 for “creative differences”. The girl was merely exercising her artistic freedom.

Fun times.

Fun times.

2. Gwynnie and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled” or started to loathe each other after a bland ten years together and filed for divorced, as we mortals call it. This breakup will remain friendly until they start fighting over the juicer machine, tan cashmere sweaters and yoga mats. Yawn. Martin almost redeemed his own mediocrity by dating Jennifer Lawrence while the rest of the world just gazed at Jennifer’s nude photos. Didn’t last long, but good try Chris.

Kardashian broke her face.

Kardashian broke the internet and her face.

3. What do I despise about the Kardashians? I hate their deep voices void of infliction or words over three syllables long, I cringe at their dead valley girl jargon. I detest their dark, shiny and glossy hair screaming for a different style, I abhor their hairy babies with stupid names. I’m disgusted by their mascara application habits and shared taste in bohemian wear and I especially cannot tolerate that I once thought Kanye West was the real deal.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

4. Andy Cohen, you need an image consultant. 2014 thrust you on the edge of awful. I actually sat down and read this “book” you just published “A Deep Look at a Shallow Year”. Andy, I am worried. I thought you went to BU? I thought you were smart. After reading this book I was reminded of my journal as an 8th grader. But, you are a 46 year old man. Your first novel was a fun read, but this is a waste of time. Do I have to read 24 pages to get to two stories that include you partying with Madonna? Your Housewives franchise should partner with America’s Most Wanted. Tacky.

5. Roger Goodell, most of Sony and my local Starbucks barista should be fired.

During my misspent youth I was fired for getting my nose pierced, wearing a Ministry t-shirt to work, habitual lateness and for throwing up in a cafe bathroom during 4th of July weekend in a tourist town, but these executive-level assholes just can’t get fired.

Isn't there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

Isn’t there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

I make a sport out of not watching football, but this season has been difficult to ignore.No amount of Tom Brady closeups can get rid of the taste of domestic assault, child abuse and rapes that Goodell is not handling properly. Roger Goodell made $44.2 million in 2013. Why is he still employed at the NFL? He is a public relations disaster.And those public service announcements that are now being played ad nauseam  are terrible. Stop. Yes, I know nothing about football but I do know a thing or two about being fired. Let him go!

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

Amy Pascal and the gang at Sony are guilty of not having a clue. Don’t we all know to be careful when composing corporate emails? How can this group of professional ass kissers still be employed after biting the hands that feed them? The stars that they are paid to worship.

Yeah and my local Starbucks barista is a mess. I can’t believe that I give him money to screw up my coffee order every week.


I will pay you to stop Grande’s career. Her brother may stay, but she’s got to go.

6. Ariana Grande is as wretched a human being as she is a pop star. Reports surfaced that she berates staff, insists on being cradled like a baby after performances and only allows photographers to frame the left side of her face. What can I do to stop her meteoric rise? Can I pay someone with my soul to produce audio of her saying racist words? Can we drum up a child abuse story? Anything, just put an end to the Ariana.