Gwyneth Paltrow’s vaginal steam, the new James Franco, I think I get football & Katy Perry now.

Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent endorsement of vaginal steaming sounds as appealing as stomaching thirty seconds of Mordecai. Who is still giving Johnny Depp movie roles? It’s hard for him to continue playing the rebel when he resembles the patriarch of a small Midwestern taxidermy cult. Paltrow’s hysterically out-of-touch lifestyle website, Goop, explains vaginal steaming:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort [plant] steam cleanses your uterus.It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Sounds frightening, but not as frightening as Johnny Depp’s movie selections.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and one affected accent.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and both their affected accents.

I know that Johnny Depp has it in him to star in another watchable movie, but he’s obviously in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Let’s check out possible warning signs:

  • Super attractive, formerly bisexual fiancee 23 years younger than him.
  • Penchant for dressing out of one’s age bracket, which for Johnny appears to be a
    Johnny, I've had nights like this.

    Johnny, I’ve had nights like this.

    104-year old  lunatic with a love for baubles.

  • A drunk, babbling turn as an awards show presenter at the recent Hollywood Film Awards. His best performance in a decade!

P.S. Johnny, we know you’re from Florida and Madonna is from Michigan. It’s okay, you can let go of the affected accent. We loved you when you were trashing hotel rooms and dating starlets (still doing the starlet thing). Johnny, we want you back. Think superhero movie villian.

Hello Shiloh Fernandez

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

I watch VH1’s Top 20 Video countdown every weekend strictly for research purposes. While recently pretending to loathe Selena Gomez’s auto-tuned-to-near-perfection single “Heart Wants What it Wants”, I was instantly smitten with the man that plays her Bieber in the video. Move over James and Dave Franco, I’ve found a new squinty-eyed bad boy. Agents, can you give this man all the roles you’re still giving Depp?

I May Enjoy football & Katy Perry

I watched the Super Bowl, like, really, watched the Super Bowl and I found it fascinating. Who Knew? There’s drama, fights, rivalries and celebrity sightings. It’s better than The Housewives of Beverly Hills! Tom Brady takes off his helmet for the world to watch him think, stress, wince and jump up and down with joy. The Super Bowl was like the best reality show of all time with actual talent. I was hooked.

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

My shock continues, I can’t believe I’m writing this: Katy Perry was good. She delivered. She provided fun, recognizable pop music to the masses and was unpredictable with her surprise guest of Missy Elliott. Yeah, it was painful to watch Katy Perry, in her bedazzled glory, try to show off her newly found street cred up there with Elliott, but Missy Elliott is welcome any time and as I looked around my home, I saw everyone watching every moment.

Lenny Kravitz, the baby-daddy of arena rock, was another wise move. Lenny’s popularity is multifaceted due to his performance in The Hunger Games. I do not dig Katy, but I have got to give it to her, she entertained me for the whole twelve minutes.

2014: A Not Bad Year

2014: A year of nothing much?

2014: A year of nothing much?

365 days filled with Kardashian filth, Meghan Trainor’s increasingly annoying voice, Chris Pratt’s hotness, ebola and a flurry of hacking scandals.

2014 Loves

Donna Tartt's latest novel will capture you for days.

Donna Tartt’s latest novel will capture you for days.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson's girl, is a fresh face in music.

FKA Twigs, currently better known as Robert Pattinson’s girl, is a fresh face in music.

1. Movies were good, “Gone Girl” “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Boyhood” were highly entertaining. Cool books include Donna Tartt’s “The Goldflinch” and Meg Wolitzer’s “The Interestings” and “Belzhar”. New music by Lana Del Rey, Jack White and FKA Twigs were stellar standouts.

2. Lana Del Rey is exactly what I crave from a rock star; she’s troubled, intelligent and beautiful with addictive tendencies and questionable taste in men. Del Rey’s sexiness and darkness make up for all the stupid things she keeps saying in interviews and for her lack of credibility. I do love a Connecticut girl gone bad. Her macabre album Ultraviolence is hauntingly cool and her videos are luscious.

3. Jay Z. and Solange: Hate in the Elevator This was the must see silent movie of the year. It cements my belief that Beyonce is not human, she’s actually a robotic alien that Jay Z. created when he was slinging crack as a teenager. She never did give birth to Blue Ivy, Blue Ivy is actually a robotic alien that eats money and platinum for nourishment.The silent movie of the year.

4. Jack White is the coolest man in the world. It’s unhealthy how much I dig him. I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself for missing his Newport Folk Festival performance this year. Lazaretto does not disappoint.

5. Who was Lena Dunham first? Her or me?  I think I could have been Lena Dunham, but better. I watch “Girls”, speed read through her ridiculous friggin memoir “Not That kind of Girl” and smash my modest upbringing, “I’m Lena Dunham without the NYC pedigree and famous folks!”


She’s stealing my shtick.

Sour grapes? Maybe. I love to hate Lena Dunham, hate to love her. I’m repulsed and turned on by her constant state of undress. I cringe at and envy her homely designer clothes. I appreciate her rocker beau’s band The Bleachers. She’s so complicated, a lot like someone else I know.

6. Nick Jonas: Goodbye purity ring, hello abs.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

Nick Jonas, you can put your shirt on now. We get it.

I always knew that Nick Jonas was the hottest Jonas Brother, even when he was the 12 year old kid breaking Miley Cyrus’ heart. Nick Jonas, welcome to the perverted world of every middle aged woman that took their kids to see Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience and could sense your pre-pubescent attractiveness lurking under your fedora. Did I mention that I am fond of this song?

7. Shovels & Rope is a terrific new band, this husband and wife duo are a gritty mix of whiskey, talent and love. Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk” may be the best song of the year, and he was the best part of both the Super Bowl and Saturday Night Live. NBC’s Parenthood is just about as good as a television drama can be.

The Lowest of the Lows

1. Bill Cosby is a predator and anyone that is defending him is on my shit list. Whoopie, I am talking to you. His first public display of poor decision making was firing my first bad girl love Lisa Bonet in 1991 for “creative differences”. The girl was merely exercising her artistic freedom.

Fun times.

Fun times.

2. Gwynnie and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled” or started to loathe each other after a bland ten years together and filed for divorced, as we mortals call it. This breakup will remain friendly until they start fighting over the juicer machine, tan cashmere sweaters and yoga mats. Yawn. Martin almost redeemed his own mediocrity by dating Jennifer Lawrence while the rest of the world just gazed at Jennifer’s nude photos. Didn’t last long, but good try Chris.

Kardashian broke her face.

Kardashian broke the internet and her face.

3. What do I despise about the Kardashians? I hate their deep voices void of infliction or words over three syllables long, I cringe at their dead valley girl jargon. I detest their dark, shiny and glossy hair screaming for a different style, I abhor their hairy babies with stupid names. I’m disgusted by their mascara application habits and shared taste in bohemian wear and I especially cannot tolerate that I once thought Kanye West was the real deal.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

Andy,stick to scouting for Housewives trash.

4. Andy Cohen, you need an image consultant. 2014 thrust you on the edge of awful. I actually sat down and read this “book” you just published “A Deep Look at a Shallow Year”. Andy, I am worried. I thought you went to BU? I thought you were smart. After reading this book I was reminded of my journal as an 8th grader. But, you are a 46 year old man. Your first novel was a fun read, but this is a waste of time. Do I have to read 24 pages to get to two stories that include you partying with Madonna? Your Housewives franchise should partner with America’s Most Wanted. Tacky.

5. Roger Goodell, most of Sony and my local Starbucks barista should be fired.

During my misspent youth I was fired for getting my nose pierced, wearing a Ministry t-shirt to work, habitual lateness and for throwing up in a cafe bathroom during 4th of July weekend in a tourist town, but these executive-level assholes just can’t get fired.

Isn't there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

Isn’t there another person that can do a better job for over $40 million?

I make a sport out of not watching football, but this season has been difficult to ignore.No amount of Tom Brady closeups can get rid of the taste of domestic assault, child abuse and rapes that Goodell is not handling properly. Roger Goodell made $44.2 million in 2013. Why is he still employed at the NFL? He is a public relations disaster.And those public service announcements that are now being played ad nauseam  are terrible. Stop. Yes, I know nothing about football but I do know a thing or two about being fired. Let him go!

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

I give Amy Pascal another 7 months at Sony.

Amy Pascal and the gang at Sony are guilty of not having a clue. Don’t we all know to be careful when composing corporate emails? How can this group of professional ass kissers still be employed after biting the hands that feed them? The stars that they are paid to worship.

Yeah and my local Starbucks barista is a mess. I can’t believe that I give him money to screw up my coffee order every week.


I will pay you to stop Grande’s career. Her brother may stay, but she’s got to go.

6. Ariana Grande is as wretched a human being as she is a pop star. Reports surfaced that she berates staff, insists on being cradled like a baby after performances and only allows photographers to frame the left side of her face. What can I do to stop her meteoric rise? Can I pay someone with my soul to produce audio of her saying racist words? Can we drum up a child abuse story? Anything, just put an end to the Ariana.