I only speak in euphemisms and hyperbole. The Emmys: A cure for my insomnia.

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I only speak in euphemisms and hyperbole.My goal is to be as honest as I possibly can be without sounding like I’m being honest. Euphemisms offer a more dignified approach to explain everyone’s problems while hyperbole satisfies my desire to shock people. I’m embarking on a one-woman crusade for civilized banter. I beg of the world, can’t we do better than “this sucks” and “I’m bored?” Yes, life does indeed suck, but let’s dig a little deeper into our treasure trove of nasty words to bestow upon people and things that do suck.

Cheap: Frugal.

Addict: Troubled

Crazy: Fragile

Lost in life: Undecided

Promiscuous: Over-trusting 

Eccentric: Annoying

Fat: Out-of-shape

Rednecks: Uncultured

Cheated: Strayed

Brat: Feisty

Words get so sticky while we all share space in the politically conscious world of half-truths. But don’t fret, I don’t want to be honest about anything truly important, just about pop music and celebrities.

Oh no, not even Sandberg can revive this one.

Oh no, not even Sandberg can revive this one.

Shall I attempt honesty with The 2015 Emmys? The Emmys were fantastically dull, but finally, I finally found a cure for my insomnia:an Emmys broadcast.

Claire Danes, the only natural breasts in Hollywood.

Claire Danes, the only natural breasts in Hollywood.

I am bonkers over Claire Danes, but after seeing her on the red carpet, my discomfort and anxiety mounted: is Claire frighteningly thin? Doesn’t she know that she is required to stay healthy to save a  middle-aged Jordan Catalano? I feel better today, I think that Claire just appears thin because she is one of the few stars without breast implants.

Natasha Lyonne & Fred Armisen come out as a couple of cool cats in love. I have nothing but praise for these two complicated lovers. I enjoy a juicy rehabilitation story and am fond of anyone involved with Saturday Night Live.

Procreate, please.

Procreate, please.

Elisabeth Moss of “Mad Men” was married to Armisen for eight months. Moss went on to term the marriage as “extremely traumatic and awful and horrible.” After their sour divorce, Armisen dated a new favorite of mine, Abby Elliott of SNL and Bravo’s “Odd Mom Out.” This funny man gets the ladies. A sense of humor goes a long way.

1I’ve been in love with Natasha Lyonne since she starred in 1998’s classic coming-of-age film,  “The Slums of Beverly Hills.” In 2005, in the throes of serious drug addiction, Lyonne created her own slum in Michael Rapaport’s apartment. Lyonne’s drug-hazed odyssey resulted in open heart surgery and a booming comeback.

These are my people. Now, how do I get invited to one of their dinner parties?

This man could crawl right into my world. Jon Hamm

Hamm can crawl right into my world.

Jon Hamm, do not change one thing.

I savored every step of Hamm’s much-deserved win for playing Don Draper of “Mad Men.” This man is a delicious specimen of flesh, muscle and brain.

Hamm did not walk the red carpet, probably because of the uncomfortable questions he would be asked about his recent split with his girlfriend of 18 years, Jennifer Westfeldt.

This movie could cause a breakup.

This movie could cause a breakup.

Gosh, what a shock! An 18 year romance that does not end happily ever after. The breakup is probably more due to Hamm having to star in Westfeldt’s Friends with Kids. That one was a self-indulgent stinker!

Knowing that Jon Hamm has a dark side and recently completed a stint in rehab only makes me love him more.

Rhode Island Sweeps the Emmys

It was a big night for Rhode Island (how many time can I write that?) at The Emmys. Central Falls-raised local superhero Viola Davis and Rhode Islander Richard Jenkins both won Emmys.

Culpo, Rhode Island native, lover of Nick Jonas, fainter.

Culpo, Rhode Island native, lover of Nick Jonas, fainter.

And, not to be forgotten: Little Rhody’s very own Olivia Culpo, Nick Jonas’ ex-love and a former Miss Universe, also had an unforgettable showing as an Emmys commentator. She pulled a Kathleen and nearly collapsed on the red carpet while talking fashion with E! News.  As a fainter myself, I understand, I have been there. Empty stomach, too much partying, it’s hard to stand up straight. Poor Olivia, I would be fainting from hysteria over not dating Nick Jonas anymore. Girl, faint your little heart out.

P.S. , Tracy Morgan is back and he is fantastic, Terrence Howard is frighteningly crazy and Peter Dinklage is unstoppable.

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MTV Video Music Awards: Like scraping the bottom of pop culture’s bucket of venom & vomit, and liking the smell.

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The Weeknd is good.

MTV Video Music Awards: It’s all good.

The MTV Video Music Awards are like Christmas to me and this year I was gifted with a cluster of crass and crack.

I can attribute my lack of enthusiasm to either the Naproxen-drip that I was under after suffering an injury while cleaning my filthy home or to that fact that the music was bad. Either way, middle-age hurts, but not as bad as watching Justin Bieber cry.

The Pre-Show: Osbourne Hating & Former Child-Star Lovin’

Who's taking fashion advice from this woman?

Who’s taking fashion advice from this woman?

The disappointment commenced immediately with the pre-show. Poor Kelly Osbourne must be so busy cleaning her own toilets that she forgot to select an outfit that fit, conduct a drop of research, or find anything worthwhile to utter. Listening to Kelly sqwauck how “brilliant” every guest is tedious. Kelly, why are you still here? Can’t you, much like your bro, disappear into the wealth of oblivion that your mommy and daddy created?

The pre-show did indulge my new

He's 24.

Is he talented? Oh, who cares?

favorite pastime, thinking dirty thoughts about former child stars. My pleasure started with Nick Jonas gyrating his way through “Levels” but didn’t end there. Who is this new cocktail of pretty boy and rugged handsomeness reminiscent of Brad Pitt-circa 1990? Hello Austin Butler of Zooey 101 and Vanessa Hudgens‘ boyfriend fame. Hollywood, please sprinkle a bit of his beauty into every television show or movie in 2016.

Taylor & Minaj

1Nicki Minaj started the show with her usual antics of utilizing her crotch as a bongo drum, looking constipated or sexy (I can’t tell) while cooing “I know that you want it.” I actually wanted it to end until T. Swizzle popped out of Minaj’s vanilla cake of a performance and made it pure red velvet.These two buried the hatchet in a pop duo dreamed up by the best studio executives. It was touching, especially when glamazon Taylor hugged Minaj and it looked like a mother cradling her disobedient puppy.

Macklemore:Don’t Call it a Comeback

Macklemore thinks it is St. Patrick's Day.(Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for MTV)

Macklemore thinks it is St. Patrick’s Day.(Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for MTV)

“I like where this is heading,” I think while pouring myself a drink. Then, Macklemore and his hodgepodge of cacophony and bad fashion trampled on my buzz. I see that Macklemore coerced a bunch of real rappers to perform with him for some much-needed cred, but this guy is one step away from the annoying kid in high school that was really into rap and blasphemously uncool yet energetic and liked to party. You remember that kid? Macklemore’s like the Big Bird of rap.

Oh look,  there’s Jared Leto, the perverted neighbor of the

He'll always be Jordan Catalano to me.

He’ll always be Jordan Catalano to me.

VMAs. Jared is like a cockroach, the man will never age or go away, which must be an asset to all the 20-year old starlets with whom he’s sleeping and mentoring.

Miley, what’s good?” is the new “It’s Britney, bitch.” 

giphyRight when I start ransacking my cabinets for some Lorazepam, Nicki Minaj shimmies up to the podium to accept an award, and then looks prepared to rip Miley Cyrus’ eyelashes out in retaliation for Cyrus referring to Minaj as “not too polite” in the New York Times.  It was awkward, amusing and a bad look for Minaj. But more importantly, what is good,Miley? I bet the green room’s hors d’oeuvres are amazing.

The Weeknd Saves the Evening

Thank-you Weeknd man.

Thank-you Weeknd man.

The Weeknd‘s “Can’t Feel my Face” revitalized the evening; this is the stuff that makes two hours of an awards show worth it. He is electrifying, sounded great and got grumpy Kayne West to smile and dance.

You've got a voice, please use it.

You’ve got a voice, please use it.

That thrill lasted me through a few rounds of Cheez-its chased with ice cream. Now, I’m left guilty and start worrying about Demi Lovato‘s career. Remember when Demi Lovato had an ounce of integrity? Disney Queen to rehab/eating disorder survivor to neutral pop star without subtlety or substance? Demi, bring it back to the rock, this pop world is going to eat you up and spit you out.

Kayne West: Am I missing something?

I don’t know I’m fittin’ to lose after this. It don’t matter though, cuz it ain’t about me. It’s about ideas, bro. New ideas. People with ideas. People who believe in truth. And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”

Kayne lost his substance in Kardashian's cervix.

Kayne, do I love to hate you, or hate to love you?

Just when I start to ponder where my life is heading and why I make so many poor choices, bam, Kayne West lurches in to make me feel better about myself. Mr. West, seated at the head of the Kardashian table of rot and narcissism, gave the world’s worst public speech since my first wedding. Westy’s stream-of consciousness babble was as bloated as his wife’s ankles. I dig Kayne West, but enough is enough. I can’t tolerate his bid for relevance while his music is not getting any better and he’s surrounded by the most wretched people in Hollywood. Let the kids speak, bro. Indeed.

They say a cause of dry mouth is marijuana.

They say marijuana use causes dry mouth.

Miley Cyrus, what to say? I understand she enjoys marijuana and sex, I think most people her age do. I just wanted more from her, like a few SAT words thrown into her expletive-laden sentences. She’s more talented than her shenanigans portray. And, her hillbilly rant has expired. She, and her family, have been multi-millionaires for 23 years. I am sure that they had a fair share of corn dogs…served on Wedgewood china. I was expecting Miley to be a little more psychedelic with her drug banter, not making ridiculous sketches with Snoop Dog. Her final performance included Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips shooting a confetti filled bong out of her crotch. That’s cool; I just wish they’d sounded better.

Justin, it wasn't that bad or that good.

Justin, it wasn’t that bad or that good.

Wait, there’s more: Justin Bieber’s performance was solidly decent, but I have no idea why he started sobbing after praying. He looked unstable, but much like Nicky Minaj, I have no heart, so I may not be the best judge.