Madonna sucks Drake’s soul, Shailene Woodley’s stoner vibe is getting skunky, Gwynnie strikes again, Coachella madness and Courtney Barnett saves the day.

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Nothing tastes as bad as aging feels.

Nothing tastes as bad as aging feels.

Madonna strikes again. It pains me to ridicule Madonna because she raised me for a few years, she was my moral compass and I looked to her for all the answers. Then, she released True Blue and married Sean Penn and I realized that everyone, even my idols, make mistakes.

The kiss? Not surprising. I’ve been telling y’all that Madonna, like JLO, is staying young by sucking the souls of the younger and more talented. Madonna is feasting on Drake, while JLo gets Iggy Azalea’s flesh to nibble for a few more years of relevance.

Check out this True Blue video to see a young Debi Mazar as backup dancer:

Shailene Woodley’s On-Set Tutor Should be Fired

I know Shai, you're just like us.

I know Shai, you’re just like us.

I want to apologize to my eight readers; I could not watch the MTV Movie Awards.  While I am intellectually-challenged, even I have my breaking point. I had to turn it off after listening to Shailene Woodley’s two rambling thank-you speeches. Wow, this beautiful, talented actor is unaware of her obvious lack of intelligence, and no, it can’t ALL be contributed to her pot intake. Can you explain to me what the following means?

“In that, I keep marveling at this idea at who we pick up on the trails along the way and who becomes our communities. What am I trying to say? I just have no idea! Looking at all of you, I know some of you, I don’t know some of you, but for all of you who have been pillars to me, thank you, and for all of you who I have been able to be a pillar for, I will continue to be a pillar for. Whoever your community is, be pillars for these people. So, let’s trailblaze on!”

Then poor Woodley somehow mistook John Green, mediocre writer of young-adult literature, with J.D. Salinger. Girlfriend, what is your on-set tutor teaching you? Some of the accolades that Ms. Woodley bestowed upon Green include the following:

“His words will transcend time because they transcend any age. There’s not one single demographic that won’t be affected by the wisdom and the compassion and the beauty that he laces into every single thing that he does in his life.”

Okay, you’ve got me, Shai, I have not even seen Fault in our

It. Will. Change. Your. Like. Life.

It. Will. Change. Your. Like. Life.

Stars, Shailene was excellent in The Descendants and I dig her Southern California stoner vibe, but enough with the phoniness, her freshness is wearing thin. I don’t have to watch The Fault in our Stars, I’ve seen it before: Two teenagers meet and argue with obvious chemistry, teenagers fall in love, hilarity and sadness ensues, parents are unfair, teenager or troubled parent dies. Life changes, like, forever. The end.

Feels like you’ve seen or read the sad story before? You have: Dear John, Charlie St. Cloud, Remember Me, A Walk to Remember, The Last Song. You get what I’m preaching?

Poor Gwynnie, she just can’t catch a break.

Where's the beef?

Where’s the beef?

Gwynnie published a post on Goop to illustrate what $29 a week can get a family on SNAP food stamps for a week of supplemental grocery shopping. So far, so good- Go Gwynnie! Unfortunately for Gwynnie’s likability, her findings contained seven limes, more parsley than I thought one could purchase as one time, scallions and a bunch of other rich people food.

Oh G, take it from this white, privileged, shallow gal: If I know enough not to spout on about food stamps in the U.S., you should know better. Were you smoking  American Spirits during Social Studies at The Spence School? I understand that being married to Chris “Boring” Martin was a form of coolness starvation, but let’s leave the important stuff to important people. You, Gwynnie, just worry about your luscious locks, lean legs and perfect pout.

Does Coachella have to be an annual event?

What do Kendall Jenner, Fergie and Baldwin spawn have in common? Hint: It's not talent.

What do Kendall Jenner, Fergie and Baldwin- spawn have in common? Hint: It’s not talent.

Must be Coachella time of the year again because I keep getting emails from chain mall stores attempting to sell me “festival-wear” and I am visually assaulted with pictures of Hollywood starlets and Hollywood has-beens like Fergie sporting the latest in festival-street-walker fashion. These poor kids, don’t they know that after a few tabs of acid, the clothing doesn’t really matter; you just need to know where the water and the medic tent are located. That’s rock festival 101!

Does Kylie Jenner and her father Bruce get a family plan for plastic surgery?

Do the Jenner’s get a family plan for plastic surgery?

Ugh, I’m so old. To watch Kardashian/Jenner filth get the best seat to this festival while donning gladiator boots and $800 cut-off shorts is grosser than when Metallica headlined Lollapolooza in 1996. I remember it so well, I was decked out in the best of my “riot-girl” finery: dirty white slip, combat boots and a black bra. I’d taken care to draw the word “Slut” across my bony upper arms, dirty hair grimy on my neck, chain-smoking while Metallica fans made fun of me. Oh, those were the days,I’m so old.

Thank you Courtney Barnett.

 Courtney Barnett sings and writes about the most mundane aspects of life, yet she transforms these stories of ordinariness into a dynamic tale of living life. Born in Australia, Courtney is currently rocking my world in a very comforting and quiet way. Check her out if you enjoy a folk-singer with a sense of humor, a quick wit and a terrific voice.

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My therapist is concerned about my fake stab at positivity, so here is my list of all that is rotten.

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Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.

Yes, the world is full of phonies, SJP.

I suffered a temporary lapse of judgment, why go good when I do bad so well? A bitter freckled face can’t change her spots, I present my list of wretchedness and rot:

Celebrities griping about their offspring being photographed: The worst celebrity crusade, founded by outrageously overpaid actor Halle Berry, is the anti-paparazzi bill passed by the California state assembly. Backed by phonies like Kristen Bell, man-child Dax Shepherd and perpetually sour-faced Jennifer Garner, it reeks of hypocrisy. While it was amusing to watch Jen Garner sob while passionately speaking about  her children’s privacy being ravaged, the whole thing stinks. Celebrities, stop naming your children silly words, touting your body- after- baby transformations, shilling your kids’ first baby pictures to national magazines and touting the inflated wonders of breastfeeding, and we’ll stop looking at your brats’ pictures in the tabloids.

Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.

Jen garner and Halle Berry saving the world, one tear at a time.

Also, we all know that these same stars will be peddling their kids to us in eleven years when they push them into the family biz, so can’t we get it over with now? Let’s get the Oscar shot so that we can all ooh and awe over it when little Violet Affleck lands her first plum movie role.

The iPhone Epidemic at Concerts: Have you been to a

Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.

Rock show 101:Put your phone away at rock shows.

rock show recently? I have and the iPhone has ruined the experience. Kiddos, here is a novel idea: you can remember the show in your mind! Please, take one or two photos and put your phone away. What are these millennials going to do with 148 pictures of people watching a concert?

Can we create baby decorum?

Can we create baby decorum?

Stop the baby mania: Let’s all agree that being a woman is tough work in 2015, whether you have zero or seven children, so for Christ’s sake, people, stop asking women when and if they’re going to procreate, really can’t we all cease talking about it at all? I cringe every time an infertile couple is posed with the question, “So, when will there be a baby in the extra room?” Um, maybe after we murder you and store your remains in there. Or, “So, are you having any more children?” inquired of the mom I know just suffered a miscarriage.And, not every woman wants to have a baby, can we ever accept this?

If you’re not getting it on with the person with which you’re discussing procreating, stop asking the questions.

My kid’s short, and your kid is annoying: My son, much like

I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.

I know how you feel Josh Hutcherson.

my husband and me, is vertically challenged. I know this because I am not blind, his doctor confirmed my observation, and every other concerned parent wants to inform me of his visible shortness. I am the boy’s mother, doesn’t he already have enough issues? Must everybody remind him how small he is? Please, stop, or just know that while you are commenting on his height, I am trying to figure out how many pounds you should lose.

Mark, once a tool, always a tool.

Mark, once a tool, always a tool.

Mark Wahlberg is a humorless masshole: Yes, are you sitting down? I am a Massachusetts-bred Mark Whalberg hater. I know he’s been in some good movies and that he can act, but I can’t look at his lopsided smile, cowboy gait and insincere looks of sincerity. Every journalist tells horror stories about his rudeness, he tries to bury his Funky Bunch roots (probably his best work-to-date) and he is always talking about what his devout Catholicism. Such a phony, such a bore.

Skinny jeans are the new mom jeans: Are skinny jeans out of style yet? I remember Kate Moss wearing them at least ten years ago, they meandered their way to middle America and we’ve been left looking at women’s muffin-tops ever since. Ugh, I tried, I have a slew of unworn skinny jeans sitting in a drawer just waiting for me to proclaim defeat and give to goodwill. I can’t rock the skinny jean, that is for sure, but I don’t think I want to. Just go to a big event and count the number of skinny jeans worn with a high boot, it’s become the official uniform of soccer moms, city slickers and country folk. Can we move on, and look into something new?

Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.

Katy Perry. Roar. Bore. Whatever.

Nothing about Katy Perry interests me. Not her music, nor her religious upbringing, her choice of lovers or her style. There are worse evils out there than Katy, but she bores me to tears. I feel the same way about Selena Gomez, Maroon Five and Ellie Goulding. I’d admit that I can’t keep a straight face when watching a Beyoncé performance, but I’m afraid the Illuminati will attack my family and rob me of my mind.

Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?

Wow, Leo DiCaprio hangs out with models on boats? Since when?

Predictability kills me. Leonardo DiCaprio and his next 24-year old supermodel illicit a yawn as much as Blake Shelton gushing over Miranda Lambert. Waiting for Kristen Stewart to go to rehab is much more fun, maybe one of the soulless Jenner sisters will beat her to it.

Of course, no list of all things rotten would be complete without the Bill Cosbys, Kardashians and football players behaving badly. But that would be really predictable, wouldn’t it?

Please don't tell anyone that I don't know if  like Beyonce. I'm afraid for my life to admit it.

Please don’t tell anyone that I don’t know if like Beyonce. I’m afraid for my life to admit it.

Bill Cosby, lecherous predator.

Bill Cosby, lecherous predator. Phony Hall of Fame recipient.