Coffee, Booze, ‘Housewives’ + Uber: Thanks for everything.

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It’s the most phony time of the year!

Oh, the holidays. Everyone gets sappy and thankful for a few days before gouging each other’s eyes out for a sales item on Black Friday. It’s the time of year when I pretend that I’ve dutifully received my flu shot while those that know me pretend not to judge every time I cough.

Ho, ho ho. Cough, cough, cough.

Here’s an honest look at what I’m thankful for:

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‘Twin Peaks’ & coffee, I thank you!

Coffee

Because without it, you’d never see me leave my house.

I ran out of coffee once last year and I verbally abused my housemates until someone fled the scene to purchase my elixir.  Some might say I’m addicted, but it’s more like I’m alive. I’m fond of the taste, the buzz and even the bitter aftertaste. I like to challenge myself and my insomnia to the limits of decency and somehow, I feel like a winner.

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JLaw, don’t change a thing. Thanks for ‘Mother!”

Alcohol

Beer, white wine, gin or vodka- I have no prejudice. I’m super appreciative of alcohol because without it I wouldn’t socialize nearly as much as I do. And, if I cease socializing, I’ll miss out on the one hobby I have that doesn’t involve being entertained or purchasing clothes. So, this rounds on me, but please do order a cheap one.

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While I’m at it, JLo and David Duchovny, I thank you both, too.

Dresses

I’m a creature of habit and exclusively wear dresses or pajama pants. It’s not JUST that I want to be fancy, which I do, but it’s more that I’m lazy. A dress is a dress and voila, you’re dressed. Throw on some tights or run a jagged razor over your legs and that’s it. The whole pants and top thing gets so tiresome. Like, do I tuck in or tuck out? Do I really have to suck in my gut all damned day or can I unbutton at my desk?

Courtney Love & Courtney Barnett

I’ve got a thang for Courtneys and these are two C’s are the coolest people on the planet. From Courtneys Love’s 2005 all-telling warning to Hollywood starlets about Harvey Weinstein to Courtney Barnett’s recent collaboration with Kurt Vile, I just want a Courtney baby from these two.

Perhaps a duo is in their future?

Uber

Oh Uber, where were you when I needed you most (ages 22-32)?

What’s not to love about cruising into town with somebody else driving? I’m sorry to all the city taxi drivers out there, but in suburbia, a night out with anyone is not complete without an Uber, an awkward conversation with the driver and road sodas.

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Luanne never disappoints & I thank her for that.

The ‘Bravo Housewives’ Franchise

I’ve had to shed many of the “Housewives” seasons in an effort to sound more intelligent at alcohol-fueled parties, but I just can’t quite quit the Beverly Hills or New York City shows. This season, John Cougar Mellencamp’s daughter joins the BH posse to partake in catfights, drinking sessions and shaming her father. I’d better set my DVR now!

For pure laughs and shocking behavior performed by pretty people, you just can’t beat the “Housewives.” Add in some D-grade celebrity spottings and it’s pure television magic. It’s a cocktail of cocktails, plastic surgery, multiple marriages, supermodel children with home-school educations and lavish vacations spent fighting.

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‘Home for the Holidays’ Best Thanksgiving movie. I thank you.

So here’s to you and your turkey this Thanksgiving! Let’s all be thankful for honesty and try not to wallow in self-righteous babble.

I’ll give it the ol’ college try if you will!

2015: The Year of the Man Bun, Star Wars, Amy Schumer & Courtney Barnett

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2015 was alright, right?

The man bun turned us on, Adele’s voice proved that easy listening may be magnificent, Jennifer Lawrence dazzled, marriages busted up and I continued to stumble across the tight rope of responsible, gainfully employed parent/wife and madwoman with few boundaries.

Pop culture was good to me in 2015; I infuriated all by ridiculing Taylor Swift and her obnoxious squad, I lusted after young men in bad boy bands and I found new loves like Courtney Barnett and Shovels & Rope.

Best Craze- The Man Bun

Celebrities Visit SiriusXM Studios - July 9, 2014

“Game of Thrones” scares me, but this man bun warms my heart. PS- This guy is married to Lisa Bonet (Photo by Andrew Toth/Getty Images)

Is the man bun new or a revival? I vaguely remember, through a haze of 90’s malaise, a Greek God from college who swept his luscious locks up in a haphazard man bun. Oh, those were the days. Now, I creepily engage in a secret game at hipster bars: Rate the Man Bun. I recently spent an evening in Worcester, MA doing just that. While the men talked shop, the women folk gawked over the man buns.

When done right, the man bun is hot. As I possibly suffer from the Wen-inflicted hair loss epidemic of 2015, I latch onto the man bun craze for the sake of my thinning hair. I just know that when Mr. Man Bun liberates his mane from the bun, his follicles smell of sandalwood, sex and youth.

Best New Artist-Halsey

 

“Raised on Biggie and Nirvana,” Halsey declares on “Americana” and I’m automatically sold on her coolness.Hailing from New Jersey with a slight faux British accent and a bad attitude, I’m pretty sure she’s the next big thing.Her debut album, Badlands, isn’t perfect, but Halsey is only 20 and I expect more jarring noises from her.

The Voice Returns

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Taylor Swift- Team Ursula

No, I am not referring to that silly singing show that manufactured the Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani romance for publicity (are they contractually obligated to produce a child during next year’s sweeps?), I am talking about THE VOICE of Adele.

After a few years off, Adele swooped back in to trample on Taylor Swift’s reign as queen of the rasp. Who else believes that T. Swizzle has a gaggle of scientists working endlessly to clone a shred of Adele’s vocal cords? Taylor wants to get all “The Little Mermaid” on Adele and steal her voice a la Ursula. Adele, do not join the squad, and if you do, keep your DNA close to your body!

 Favorite Pastime: Divorce

Divorce landed in lala land like the bomb that was “In the Heart of the Sea.” Gwen and Gavin; Jen and Ben; Halle Berry and Latest Loser; Blake and Miranda and Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green, that one really hurt. Gosh, if these totally self-absorbed lovers can’t survive holy matrimony, the rest of us are as doomed as Johnny Depp’s new marriage and floundering career.

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Ben gets Batman dark. Image via TMZ.

About Affleck, have you seen his post-breakup monstrosity of a tattoo? My gosh Ben, did filming “Batman” really get that dark? Was marriage so awful that you marked yourself with a freaking phoenix rising from the ashes? Is your Beverly Hills compound the ashes from which you must rise? Dude, that’s deeper than “Good Will Hunting.”

The Good

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Amy Schumer goes there. Getty image.

Amy Schumer– Amy Schumer staggered onto our movie and television screens while making us cringe with laughter. “Trainwreck” was smart, funny and even a little sweet, much like Schumer. “Inside Amy Schumer” is filthy, brutal and bold, also much like Schumer.

Jennifer Lawrence– Celebrity hasn’t spoiled JLaw, she’s still an exhilarating whiff of gin-tainted breath. Her recent 22 minute interview with Andy Cohen included confirmations of making out with Liam Hemsworth for fun, vomiting on Madonna’s porch and  smoking from a bong before an Oscar telecast, to name a few tidbits. Every time JLaw opens her pretty mouth, her agent shaves a year off her life.

 

Best Pop Star-The Weeknd– I dig his darkness, his hair, his humble beginnings as a Canadian raised in poverty by an Ethiopian single mother. He’s now a pop star romancing a Beverly Hills bred supermodel, celebrating a sold-out tour, and oh yeah, he can sing and dance. His upbeat songs conceal lyrics about addiction, violence and depression, but who could tell?

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Jon Hamm in “Kimmy Schmidt” True Story- Hamm was Kempler’s HS teacher. Google it.

Best T.V. Show“The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Who thought that a show about a woman that emerges from 15 years imprisoned in an underground bunker by a religious nut could be a hilarious comedy? Writer Tina Fey did.  On Netflix, the show blends a perfect concoction of hilarity, satire and nostalgia along with strong drops of darkness to make one hell of a watchable show. Ellie Kempler of “The Office” absolutely radiates optimism and determination in her pursuit of happiness in New York City and in her attempt to never be a victim.

As an added bonus, Jon Hamm shows up as the religious zealot that kidnapped Kimmy. It may not sound like it, but the show is laugh-out-loud funny.

 

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Hello Adam Driver.

Most Deserving Mania- Star Wars: The Force Awakens I loved this movie. It was so much fun watching Daisy Ridley become a star while playing Rey in the finest cinematic debut in ages. Everyone else is terrific, but that Daisy Ridley really rocked my world. Adam Driver, currently wasting his talent on “Girls” was quietly powerful as new villain Kylo Ren.

In case you’re one of the 56 Americans that has not seen the movie, I don’t want to write much, but you must see the movie.

Creepiest Moments of 2015- Every “Game of Thrones” episode Oh, the sheer brutality of it all! Why do I watch “Game of Thrones?” I shield my eyes for the whole hour. If I am not protecting myself from the violence, I am bracing my psyche for another rape. Why can’t I stop?! Is Jon Snow that hot?

Really, I have no idea what is going on in GOT, but I do enjoy it. After every episode, I pat myself on the back for getting through it, then I search for my tranquilizers. After a few deep breaths, I google why everyone’s eyes are turning white. Please, someone explain to me why their eyes are turning white.

Best Song- Beck’s “Dreams” I can’t stop loving Beck; it’s a consistent in my life. I have been changing my underwear, applying mascara and loving Beck for a lifetime. Beck’s freshest masterpiece, “Dreams,” is a hodgepodge of pop, folk and rock. Beck’s year began with Kayne West grabbing his Grammy, and I’m positive that Kayne will be given that opportunity after the rest of Beck’s album is released.

And now, for some parting brilliance from Courtney Barnett:

 

Madonna sucks Drake’s soul, Shailene Woodley’s stoner vibe is getting skunky, Gwynnie strikes again, Coachella madness and Courtney Barnett saves the day.

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Nothing tastes as bad as aging feels.

Nothing tastes as bad as aging feels.

Madonna strikes again. It pains me to ridicule Madonna because she raised me for a few years, she was my moral compass and I looked to her for all the answers. Then, she released True Blue and married Sean Penn and I realized that everyone, even my idols, make mistakes.

The kiss? Not surprising. I’ve been telling y’all that Madonna, like JLO, is staying young by sucking the souls of the younger and more talented. Madonna is feasting on Drake, while JLo gets Iggy Azalea’s flesh to nibble for a few more years of relevance.

Check out this True Blue video to see a young Debi Mazar as backup dancer:

Shailene Woodley’s On-Set Tutor Should be Fired

I know Shai, you're just like us.

I know Shai, you’re just like us.

I want to apologize to my eight readers; I could not watch the MTV Movie Awards.  While I am intellectually-challenged, even I have my breaking point. I had to turn it off after listening to Shailene Woodley’s two rambling thank-you speeches. Wow, this beautiful, talented actor is unaware of her obvious lack of intelligence, and no, it can’t ALL be contributed to her pot intake. Can you explain to me what the following means?

“In that, I keep marveling at this idea at who we pick up on the trails along the way and who becomes our communities. What am I trying to say? I just have no idea! Looking at all of you, I know some of you, I don’t know some of you, but for all of you who have been pillars to me, thank you, and for all of you who I have been able to be a pillar for, I will continue to be a pillar for. Whoever your community is, be pillars for these people. So, let’s trailblaze on!”

Then poor Woodley somehow mistook John Green, mediocre writer of young-adult literature, with J.D. Salinger. Girlfriend, what is your on-set tutor teaching you? Some of the accolades that Ms. Woodley bestowed upon Green include the following:

“His words will transcend time because they transcend any age. There’s not one single demographic that won’t be affected by the wisdom and the compassion and the beauty that he laces into every single thing that he does in his life.”

Okay, you’ve got me, Shai, I have not even seen Fault in our

It. Will. Change. Your. Like. Life.

It. Will. Change. Your. Like. Life.

Stars, Shailene was excellent in The Descendants and I dig her Southern California stoner vibe, but enough with the phoniness, her freshness is wearing thin. I don’t have to watch The Fault in our Stars, I’ve seen it before: Two teenagers meet and argue with obvious chemistry, teenagers fall in love, hilarity and sadness ensues, parents are unfair, teenager or troubled parent dies. Life changes, like, forever. The end.

Feels like you’ve seen or read the sad story before? You have: Dear John, Charlie St. Cloud, Remember Me, A Walk to Remember, The Last Song. You get what I’m preaching?

Poor Gwynnie, she just can’t catch a break.

Where's the beef?

Where’s the beef?

Gwynnie published a post on Goop to illustrate what $29 a week can get a family on SNAP food stamps for a week of supplemental grocery shopping. So far, so good- Go Gwynnie! Unfortunately for Gwynnie’s likability, her findings contained seven limes, more parsley than I thought one could purchase as one time, scallions and a bunch of other rich people food.

Oh G, take it from this white, privileged, shallow gal: If I know enough not to spout on about food stamps in the U.S., you should know better. Were you smoking  American Spirits during Social Studies at The Spence School? I understand that being married to Chris “Boring” Martin was a form of coolness starvation, but let’s leave the important stuff to important people. You, Gwynnie, just worry about your luscious locks, lean legs and perfect pout.

Does Coachella have to be an annual event?

What do Kendall Jenner, Fergie and Baldwin spawn have in common? Hint: It's not talent.

What do Kendall Jenner, Fergie and Baldwin- spawn have in common? Hint: It’s not talent.

Must be Coachella time of the year again because I keep getting emails from chain mall stores attempting to sell me “festival-wear” and I am visually assaulted with pictures of Hollywood starlets and Hollywood has-beens like Fergie sporting the latest in festival-street-walker fashion. These poor kids, don’t they know that after a few tabs of acid, the clothing doesn’t really matter; you just need to know where the water and the medic tent are located. That’s rock festival 101!

Does Kylie Jenner and her father Bruce get a family plan for plastic surgery?

Do the Jenner’s get a family plan for plastic surgery?

Ugh, I’m so old. To watch Kardashian/Jenner filth get the best seat to this festival while donning gladiator boots and $800 cut-off shorts is grosser than when Metallica headlined Lollapolooza in 1996. I remember it so well, I was decked out in the best of my “riot-girl” finery: dirty white slip, combat boots and a black bra. I’d taken care to draw the word “Slut” across my bony upper arms, dirty hair grimy on my neck, chain-smoking while Metallica fans made fun of me. Oh, those were the days,I’m so old.

Thank you Courtney Barnett.

 Courtney Barnett sings and writes about the most mundane aspects of life, yet she transforms these stories of ordinariness into a dynamic tale of living life. Born in Australia, Courtney is currently rocking my world in a very comforting and quiet way. Check her out if you enjoy a folk-singer with a sense of humor, a quick wit and a terrific voice.