Courtney Love

Losing My Religion and Birthing a Cult

Standard

Now that I’ve formally left my religion—if formally means in a blaze of passive aggressive email glory—I’m creating a cult. A new religion of sorts that is light on the spirituality but heavy with crime and punishment.

My codependent hook-up with Catholicism has ended after decades of rockiness, make-up sex, and dalliances. I’ve tried, but I’m either going to go to jail for harassing Bishop Tobin, Lil’ Rhody’s villain Bishop, or I’m going to stop drinking the blood Kool-Aid and open myself up as a free agent on the spiritual highway.

Now that I’m free, or excommunicated, I’m welcome to enlightenment. I dug a lot about Catholicism, so you won’t hear me bashing it too much. There’s nothing that irked me more than when I would tell people I was a Catholic and they’d badmouth it right in front of me. I don’t need to do that because I’ve gone and created my own religion named Bonkers and my followers are called Bonkos.

Join me if you can follow these strict doctrines.

Self-Analysis is a Must

Followers must constantly analyze themselves internally and with psychological help; this is a requirement. And I’m not talking about support groups, I am referring to in-depth psychoanalysis conducted by acclaimed therapists. Bonkos must dig deep to get to the bottom of their problems and it is mandatory to talk about their therapy in most conversations, in fact one’s neuroses is disclosed upon introduction.

Sound tricky? Don’t fret, here goes: “Hi, I am Kathleen. I have narcissistic tendencies, delusions of grandeur, and a real chip on my soldier. On a positive note, I’m five feet tall, my hair’s going white and I suffer from a wretchedly itchy scalp yet I’m still the most confident maniac I know. Nice to meet you.”

Polite Conversations are Forbidden

At church functions, of which there will be many, small chat will be limited to two minutes and 22 seconds. Once the talking parties hit that time threshold, they must talk about something interesting or cease talking and move on to sit in a corner for two minutes until they have something noteworthy to say.

And talking about home improvements is a sin punishable by wearing an “I’m a boring arse” banner all day.

Children Have No Rules

Unless regarding physical safety, children have no rules and no chores. Children are the superior spirit and must be treated with dignity and be granted free range of doing almost whatever they want. Parents and caregivers must be light on punishments and fresh behavior is not only tolerated, but also encouraged.

Children may be scolded for the following infractions and ONLY the following:

  • Bullying
  • Tattle tailing
  • Watching “The Kardashians”
  • Speaking to people while glued to one’s phone.

Corporate Jobs Start at 9:30 a.m.

I like to work as much as a GenXr slacker can and encourage every Bonko to work. However, it is strictly forbidden for Bonkos to begin the workday before 9:30 a.m. Precious morning hours must be savored with coffee, screaming at the news, perfecting one’s outfit, and making plans for the weekend.

Light Drinking is Mandatory

This is a controversial commandment and alas this religion is not for everyone: Two glasses of a light alcoholic beverage are mandatory at all church gatherings. No more and absolutely no less. The scientific reason behind this is so followers can remove the stick lodged up their behind while at church—thus making conversations livelier and people more likely to give money to the church. Drink up, baby.

What Would Holden and Courtney Do?

When churchgoers find themselves in a spiritual dilemma they must wonder what Courtney Love or Holden Caulfield would do in the same situation and follow their leads. In fact we follow the Book of Holden and Courtney that contains the following edicts:

  • “That’s something that annoys the hell out of me- I mean if somebody says the coffee’s all ready and it isn’t.” Holden Caulfield
  • “Lots of time you don’t know what interests you most till you start talking about something that doesn’t interest you most.” Holden Caulfield
  • “I like to behave in an extremely normal, wholesome manner for the most part in my daily life. Even if mentally I’m consumed with sick visions of violence, terror, sex and death.” Courtney Love
  • “Only dumb people are happy.” Courtney Love

Everyone Must Dance

Dancing is a Bonkers church commandment and each church session will be followed by an hour of dancing to pop music. This will cleanse your spirit and teach humility and foster flexibility. Megan Thee Stallion is mandatory listening material and each dance will start with a Megan Thee Stallion song.

Coffee, Booze, ‘Housewives’ + Uber: Thanks for everything.

Standard

It’s the most phony time of the year! Oh, the holidays. Everyone gets sappy and thankful for a few days before gouging each other’s eyes out for a sales item on Black Friday. It’s the time of year when I pretend that I’ve dutifully received my flu shot while those that know me pretend not to judge every time I cough.

Ho, ho ho. Cough, cough, cough.

Here’s an honest look at what I’m thankful for:

giphy (4)
‘Twin Peaks’ & coffee, I thank you!

Coffee

Because without it, you’d never see me leave my house.

I ran out of coffee once last year and I verbally abused my housemates until someone fled the scene to purchase my elixir.  Some might say I’m addicted, but it’s more like I’m alive. I’m fond of the taste, the buzz and even the bitter aftertaste. I like to challenge myself and my insomnia to the limits of decency and somehow, I feel like a winner.

giphy (8).gif
JLaw, don’t change a thing. Thanks for ‘Mother!”

Alcohol

Beer, white wine, gin or vodka- I have no prejudice. I’m super appreciative of alcohol because without it I wouldn’t socialize nearly as much as I do. And, if I cease socializing, I’ll miss out on the one hobby I have that doesn’t involve being entertained or purchasing clothes. So, this rounds on me, but please do order a cheap one.

giphy (6)
While I’m at it, JLo and David Duchovny, I thank you both, too.

Dresses

I’m a creature of habit and exclusively wear dresses or pajama pants. It’s not JUST that I want to be fancy, which I do, but it’s more that I’m lazy. A dress is a dress and voila, you’re dressed. Throw on some tights or run a jagged razor over your legs and that’s it. The whole pants and top thing gets so tiresome. Like, do I tuck in or tuck out? Do I really have to suck in my gut all damned day or can I unbutton at my desk?

Courtney Love & Courtney Barnett

I’ve got a thang for Courtneys and these are two C’s are the coolest people on the planet. From Courtneys Love’s 2005 all-telling warning to Hollywood starlets about Harvey Weinstein to Courtney Barnett’s recent collaboration with Kurt Vile, I just want a Courtney baby from these two.

Perhaps a duo is in their future?

Uber

Oh Uber, where were you when I needed you most (ages 22-32)?

What’s not to love about cruising into town with somebody else driving? I’m sorry to all the city taxi drivers out there, but in suburbia, a night out with anyone is not complete without an Uber, an awkward conversation with the driver and road sodas.

source (1).gif
Luanne never disappoints & I thank her for that.

The ‘Bravo Housewives’ Franchise

I’ve had to shed many of the “Housewives” seasons in an effort to sound more intelligent at alcohol-fueled parties, but I just can’t quite quit the Beverly Hills or New York City shows. This season, John Cougar Mellencamp’s daughter joins the BH posse to partake in catfights, drinking sessions and shaming her father. I’d better set my DVR now!

For pure laughs and shocking behavior performed by pretty people, you just can’t beat the “Housewives.” Add in some D-grade celebrity spottings and it’s pure television magic. It’s a cocktail of cocktails, plastic surgery, multiple marriages, supermodel children with home-school educations and lavish vacations spent fighting.

giphy (7).gif
‘Home for the Holidays’ Best Thanksgiving movie. I thank you.

So here’s to you and your turkey this Thanksgiving! Let’s all be thankful for honesty and try not to wallow in self-righteous babble.

I’ll give it the ol’ college try if you will!

I stalk rock stars. Part 1.

Standard

I stalk rock stars. It used be a large part of my life. My plan was to befriend them, party with them and maybe become a groupie, but damn my Catholic upbringing, it always gets in the way of the real bad stuff. When I was young and hot, I’d jump onstage during rock shows, lurk post-show at hotels to catch a glimpse and deliver cookies to the creepy men that guarded the backstage door. I was a detective; I’d locate the lead singer’s number and call him at ridiculous times. I was cunning. I attribute all this rock star lust and silliness to my poor grades in high school, but I was a great success.

Tanya Donelly

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I'm back!
Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I’m back!

Just last week I met one of my idols, Tanya Donelly of Belly, Throwing Muses and Breeders fame, and an incredible solo artist. In the mid-90s I spent valuable time pestering my professor, Donelly’s step-father, for information on Tanya. I would bombard him with an assortment of intrusive questions about his rock-n-roll family and show up at Belly shows pleading with him to get me backstage. He was a kind man, but he put an end to it with one statement: “Shouldn’t you spend more time completing your papers than you do learning about my daughter’s life?”  I got the picture and a C+ in his class.

Last thirsty Thursday, I saw Tanya play at The Salvation Cafe in Newport for an intimate acoustic show that also included the consistently great Brothers Kendall. The set list included little bits of brilliance like “Not Too Soon” and “Dusted”. Special guests Gail Greenwood and Dave Narcizo added to the nostalgia. I saw Belly in 1993, 1994 and 1995 and I felt just as young watching Tanya Donelly last week.

Courtney, I’ll start smoking cigarettes again for you.

I see a real resemblance, do you?
I see a real resemblance, do you?

Meeting Courtney Love was the highlight of my life. Yes, I’ve had a bunch of kids and been married once or twice, but meeting Courtney Love was the most euphoric experience of my life. Giving birth was a highlight, but it was bloody and scary and filled with IVs and defecation. Too much? Always. 

I am not an overly ambitious person, but when given the slight chance of meeting Courtney, I seized the day, I was unstoppable. I weaseled my way past hundreds of people and managed to be the first photo- op of the evening. Courtney was at an art exhibit showcasing her own artwork and I was ready to take her with me for the rest of our lives. Love was gracious and warm, I told her that she’s “my world” and then she and I discussed how similarly we were dressed. Messed up minds do think alike.

At the end of the evening, I yelled over to Courtney and her large entourage, “Courtney, we’re on our way to a rock show, come with us, drinks on me!” She shook her head with a smirking, disapproving look. Pure bliss.

Loudon Wainwright III, we shall meet again.

Families that Love Loudon Stay Together

My brother started this one. He’s been to see Loudon Wainwright III more times than I’ve shampooed my hair. It’s been going on for decades, but my fanatic involvement has been for a little over a decade. Within that time, I’ve seen Loudon in New York City, Memphis, Boston, Fall River, the Berkshires and maybe even a few I don’t remember. At times, there’s copious amounts of alcohol swirled into these evenings.

Loudon’s performance pecks at my heart little by little each time, his voice resonates and I’m suddenly surrounded by memories, good and bad. It’s a beautiful, emotional and at times uncomfortable few hours. Loudon is a writer, a poet, an actor, a name dropper, a folk-music patriarch and a dynamic showman.

I’ve met him a few times now. My brother, sister and I have been to dinner with Loudon and those nights have been some of the happiest moments of my life. Most Irish Americans have a picture of JFK in their homes, but we all have a picture of Loudon Wainwright III.

To be continued.