The 2017 Grammys, a smorgasbord of phoniness & disappointment.

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Why do I set myself up for disappointment? It’s like I’m in college again and trying to date the Greek god, it’s just never going to work out, at least not in the way I think it might.

I was so excited for the damn Grammys, and now I have no idea why.

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Louder, Hetfield, we can’t hear you. Via GIPHY.

I suppose I wanted to see Lady Gaga outcool Metallica, an all-time least favorite band of mine. My hatred for Metallica harks back to the year that they headlined the 1996 Lollapolooza when I was basking in my Riot Grrl phase. I traipsed through Metallica’s crowd wearing a dirty white slip and a crown of thorns while proudly displaying the word “slut” written on my arm a la Courtney Love. The Metallica crowd didn’t get my shtick and it was one of the few times I was really picked on. Then Metallica was escorted to the stage via a helicopter and I threw up my party accouterments.

Oh, thank God cameras were barely used during my misspent youth.

But hey, Lady Gaga & Metallica is something that I can get behind. Unfortunately, the sound technicians couldn’t and James Hetfield’s microphone wasn’t on. It was embarrassing to watch him have to switch mics mid-song, but it was worth it to spy his rock star temper tantrum afterwards.

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It was magnificently…dull. Via Giphy.

But who cares? Let’s get to the icky part- the Beyoncé verse Adele battle of phoniness.

First, before the Beyhive swarms into my modest home and steals all my gin, Beyoncé should have won Album of the Year, without a doubt. Lemonade is a religion, while 25 is a  Church of Scientology in Arkansas. And, Adele bores me more than Beyoncé’s performance annoyed me, so there’s that.

Part of me gets it, that I’m not really supposed to get it. First, I’m old as dirt and am clearly out of touch. But, I do possess a freakishly high bullshit/phony meter and during Beyoncé’s performance, it was higher than Mike Posner. I mean, who knew being preggers was so profound? Two married billionaires that already have one child had sex and that act resulted in two living things in Beyoncé’s belly. How… bourgeoisie. I’ve squeezed 3 brats out and I caressed my belly less throughout those 27 months than Queen B did in her way-too-long Grammy performance.

Beyoncé’s performance was certainly better than most, but for it to lauded as epic and groundbreaking just seems silly. The spoken word element, freshly torn from the sticky pages of a 14-year old’s discarded journal were funny, but I do not think that was the intention. But, I am an equal opportunity hater because my Holden Caulfield-inspired phony meter was at an all-time high (again, Posner) with Adele.

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Can we start again? No, please, no. GIPHY.

Adele, you won. Take the award, thank a bunch of people we don’t know, make a thinly-veiled political statement and leave. Oh and while you’re performing, try to sing the flipping song without swearing on national television and having to start all over again. That’s what you get paid  millions of dollars to do. It was so sad to watch the crowd applaud her mediocre tribute to George Michael with tears in their eyes, not tears for George Michael’s recent passing, but because they felt badly that Adele felt badly that she messed up. Again.

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What’s worse than a sore loser? A bad winner. GIPHY.

Oy vey.

I did enjoy a lot of the Grammys. The Weeknd was excellent, Chance the Rapper was awesome, and even Katy Perry was better than usual and I absolutely loved her blonde hair. Ed Sheeran always entertains and is utterly charming.Most importantly, Bruno Mars, Morris Day & The Time did Prince right. It was a tribute worthy of pop star royalty.

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Blackbear, Mike Posner. Posner’s seen better days. Via GIPHY.

And, let’s give it up to Mike Posner who appears to be 8 days away from death or rehab. Wow, didn’t this guy just look like the former Duke University frat boy that he is? It looks like he took a lot more than a pill in Ibiza, he looks like he emptied the whole  pharmacy.

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Damn, this is Mike Posner a few years ago. Wowza. Via Huffington Post.

Till next year.

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The Super Bowl, Winona Ryder & other Shakesperean Stuff

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Not better than Prince’s 2007 show, but close.

I’ve been thinking a lot about football this week. I know, almost as shocking as Jay Z and Beyoncé’s marriage lasting this long. I mean, what if I’ve been wrong all along and football is incredibly entertaining, filled with attractive men and stories of triumph and camaraderie? There was something  Shakespearean about  Super Bowl LI, bursting with a struggle, a reunification, a historical outcome,  all expertly performed by grown men in tights.

Super Bowl LI was the most entertaining hour of my life since I watched Solange Knowles rough up Jay Z on repeat for 148 minutes. It was better than Emma Stone’s singing AND dancing in La La Land, and SO much stronger than all the sappy overacting on NBC’s This Is Us. Beware, I can’t stop watching this show and screaming at the television set. I can’t stop…hating it.

Winona Ryder, Patron Saint of Cool Girls

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Julie Winegard GIF

This freaking Super Bowl was as life-affirming as Winona Ryder’s recent reemergence into my patron saints of cool women. Her facial tics at the SAG Awards were the stuff that my dreams are made of.  I missed Wynona Ryder and I will take every second that she wants to give. I would watch Winona Ryder whittle is that was offered. (Can we get that going, Hollywood?)

I am in awe of the coolness of Winona Ryder. Her excellence in 90’s films and pop-culture folklore is really unrivaled. Films like Heathers, The Age of Innocence and Beetlejuice, to name a few and personal craziness like dating Johnny Depp, Matt Damn and and every cool 90s’ alternative rock star. Then, there’s the unfortunate stealing conviction in 2002, which really sounded like a miscommunication with a bunch of different pills.

The National Anthem

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Luke Bryan, what’s not to like?

There’s just so much for a non-sports fan to still love about the Super Bowl, there’s the possible disaster that can be The National Anthem when performed by pilled-out pop stars like Christina Aguilera. Listen, aging genie in the bottle, the next time you forget lyrics, try grunting sexually instead of making them up. As far as I can tell, that’s all 5th Harmony does.

Luke’s Bryan’s National Anthem was great. What’s there to dislike about Luke Bryan? He can sing and he’s known to one of the most generous people in famous land. After dealing with the untimely death of his sister, and then her widow, he raises his sister’s children, and his own.  He rocks his cowboy-lite vibe.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show

ARLINGTON, TX – FEBRUARY 06: Singer Christina Aguilera performs during the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show at Dallas Cowboys Stadium on February 6, 2011 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Christina Aguilera

BTW: Where’s Christina been?

That Mickey Mouse Club must have been psychological warfare in the already- dangerous  minefield that is childhood stardom.  Where is Christina? After her brief surrender to housewife/ hostage of domesticity, she’s dissipated into The Voice, a land of celebrity-leftovers like Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton and Alicia Keyes. C’mon, Christina, we want you back and bring your new Rhode-Island boyfriend  and your chaps with you.

Thinking of the Mickey Mouse Club…

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The year was 2001, folks. The place: Super Bowl

Agh, let’s all go back to the innocent days, the days when Britney Spears and her home-school lover Justin Timberlake performed with Aerosmith, NSYNC and Nelly in what was certainly one of the most awesomely delicious episodes in Britney Spears’ robust body of work and in half-time performances.

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Thanks Lady Gaga, I needed that.

I do declare that, in my opinion, Lady Gaga’s half-time performance was 2nd only to Prince’s 2007 turn. And, I can assure you that I’ve seen every one since I could do the Roger Rabbit. I’m sorry Madonna, Bruce Springsteen and Michael Jackson, and well, the Judds. I just loved it, it was like I really needed the pure entertainment of it all. She was a perfect combination of grit, talent, beauty, determination and obvious hard work. Her voice was strong, her moves were perfectly in sync and the performance was electrifying.

Or, maybe it was just a good game. I don’t know, it’s the 1st one I’ve ever actually watched.