The Super Bowl, Winona Ryder & other Shakesperean Stuff


Not better than Prince’s 2007 show, but close.

I’ve been thinking a lot about football this week. I know, almost as shocking as Jay Z and Beyoncé’s marriage lasting this long. I mean, what if I’ve been wrong all along and football is incredibly entertaining, filled with attractive men and stories of triumph and camaraderie? There was something  Shakespearean about  Super Bowl LI, bursting with a struggle, a reunification, a historical outcome,  all expertly performed by grown men in tights.

Super Bowl LI was the most entertaining hour of my life since I watched Solange Knowles rough up Jay Z on repeat for 148 minutes. It was better than Emma Stone’s singing AND dancing in La La Land, and SO much stronger than all the sappy overacting on NBC’s This Is Us. Beware, I can’t stop watching this show and screaming at the television set. I can’t stop…hating it.

Winona Ryder, Patron Saint of Cool Girls


Julie Winegard GIF

This freaking Super Bowl was as life-affirming as Winona Ryder’s recent reemergence into my patron saints of cool women. Her facial tics at the SAG Awards were the stuff that my dreams are made of.  I missed Wynona Ryder and I will take every second that she wants to give. I would watch Winona Ryder whittle is that was offered. (Can we get that going, Hollywood?)

I am in awe of the coolness of Winona Ryder. Her excellence in 90’s films and pop-culture folklore is really unrivaled. Films like Heathers, The Age of Innocence and Beetlejuice, to name a few and personal craziness like dating Johnny Depp, Matt Damn and and every cool 90s’ alternative rock star. Then, there’s the unfortunate stealing conviction in 2002, which really sounded like a miscommunication with a bunch of different pills.

The National Anthem


Luke Bryan, what’s not to like?

There’s just so much for a non-sports fan to still love about the Super Bowl, there’s the possible disaster that can be The National Anthem when performed by pilled-out pop stars like Christina Aguilera. Listen, aging genie in the bottle, the next time you forget lyrics, try grunting sexually instead of making them up. As far as I can tell, that’s all 5th Harmony does.

Luke’s Bryan’s National Anthem was great. What’s there to dislike about Luke Bryan? He can sing and he’s known to one of the most generous people in famous land. After dealing with the untimely death of his sister, and then her widow, he raises his sister’s children, and his own.  He rocks his cowboy-lite vibe.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show

ARLINGTON, TX – FEBRUARY 06: Singer Christina Aguilera performs during the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show at Dallas Cowboys Stadium on February 6, 2011 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Christina Aguilera

BTW: Where’s Christina been?

That Mickey Mouse Club must have been psychological warfare in the already- dangerous  minefield that is childhood stardom.  Where is Christina? After her brief surrender to housewife/ hostage of domesticity, she’s dissipated into The Voice, a land of celebrity-leftovers like Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton and Alicia Keyes. C’mon, Christina, we want you back and bring your new Rhode-Island boyfriend  and your chaps with you.

Thinking of the Mickey Mouse Club…

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The year was 2001, folks. The place: Super Bowl

Agh, let’s all go back to the innocent days, the days when Britney Spears and her home-school lover Justin Timberlake performed with Aerosmith, NSYNC and Nelly in what was certainly one of the most awesomely delicious episodes in Britney Spears’ robust body of work and in half-time performances.


Thanks Lady Gaga, I needed that.

I do declare that, in my opinion, Lady Gaga’s half-time performance was 2nd only to Prince’s 2007 turn. And, I can assure you that I’ve seen every one since I could do the Roger Rabbit. I’m sorry Madonna, Bruce Springsteen and Michael Jackson, and well, the Judds. I just loved it, it was like I really needed the pure entertainment of it all. She was a perfect combination of grit, talent, beauty, determination and obvious hard work. Her voice was strong, her moves were perfectly in sync and the performance was electrifying.

Or, maybe it was just a good game. I don’t know, it’s the 1st one I’ve ever actually watched.



The Oscar for Longest Oscar Telecast Goes to….

I missed "Downton Abbey" for this?

I missed “Downton Abbey” for this?

The Oscars, I powered through every second of dreaded overtime, I winced at each Neil Patrick Harris joke that bombed and when in doubt, I looked to Oprah to guide me on how to react. Hosting the Oscars is a thankless job and I give Doogie Howser M.D. a “B ” for effort, but I prefer a host that goes full-throttle with the celebrity insults. I want to watch Adam Levine squirm in his Armani, I want to see Gwynnie break out in hives. Here are a few observations:

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Oprah Winfrey: the country’s moral compass & fairy godmother? Why must the camera capture every one of Queen O’s animated observations? Can we only applaud after Oprah deems a joke worthy of her well-manicured hands making noise?

Travolta’s Best Role: Lecherous Neighbor 

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

John’s Scientology-drenched creepiness gets ickier with every sighting. First, he manhandles Scar Jo on the red carpet and then he caresses Idina Menzel’s face like it is a fresh toupee. Travolta, get into an auditing session quickly, you’ve got some demons to expel.

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence Howard, what are you on, and how can I get some? I am enjoying every second of his starring role in Empire, and I think that Courtney Love’s guest appearance may come with some added benefits. T. Howard, keep doing what you are doing, you were the most entertaining presenter up there.

Dakota Johnson: Her mother’s, like, so annoying. 

And, the award for the most spoiled, boring celebrity spawn goes to…Dakota Johnson. Her interview on E’s wrecking ball of a red carpet show was cringe-worthy. I suspect that Melanie slipped Dakota a Quaalude just to be able to spend time with her. These two have less chemistry than Dakota and Jamie Dornan in “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Dakota, don't bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Dakota, don’t bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Don Johnson has more charisma in his ear hair than his daughter has in her body. Dakota, your soon-to-be canceled television drama series is waiting for you, give it a few years, but we’ll see you there.

Wake Me When the Music Ends: The musical performances ran the gamut, from boring (Tim McGraw) to insipid (“Everything is Awesome” fiasco).

Oh, "Into the Woods" wan't THAT bad.

Oh, “Into the Woods” wan’t THAT bad.

Much like Brad Pitt, I am obviously missing a sensitivity chip because while I thought the J. Legend and Common performance was good, we just saw the same damned thing at the Grammys. However, watching Chris Pine cry was worth it. Chris, I know that you haven’t had a bonafide hit in a while, but don’t cry about it lovely.

Allow Elliott Smith to Show Them How It’s Done: I long for an Oscar-worthy performance like Elliott Smith’s showstopper in 1998. Elliott, clad in a white, borrowed Prada suit, gave a surreal, haunting version of “Miss Misery” from Good Will Hunting. Sandwiched between Trisha Yearwood and Celine Dion, he was magic. Celien Dion went on to win the Oscar, but Elliott won a legion of new fans and he talked about how kind Celine Dion was to him throughout the Oscar week.

This was pretty amazing.

This was pretty amazing.

It was not all bad.

Lady Gaga can really sing, Julianne Moore is a gem, Patricia Arquette’s rousing speech for women’s equality was great, and I love her rebellious stance on the whole shindig. Yeah, she needed a brush, but she’s an Arquette, and they are the connoisseurs of cookoo cool and cognac . Keira

I'm guilty, I didn't know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

I’m guilty, I didn’t know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

Knightley is donning the best maternity clothes of all time and Anna Kendrick is a fresh breath of air.

Praise Oprah, there were no reality stars there! Minus the horrid E Red Carpet Inferno of Stupidity, I did not spy a Kardashian trollop there, not even soulless supermodel Kendall. I want to thank the Academy for their decency.

Till next awards show. XO

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!