The Oscar for Longest Oscar Telecast Goes to….

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I missed "Downton Abbey" for this?

I missed “Downton Abbey” for this?

The Oscars, I powered through every second of dreaded overtime, I winced at each Neil Patrick Harris joke that bombed and when in doubt, I looked to Oprah to guide me on how to react. Hosting the Oscars is a thankless job and I give Doogie Howser M.D. a “B ” for effort, but I prefer a host that goes full-throttle with the celebrity insults. I want to watch Adam Levine squirm in his Armani, I want to see Gwynnie break out in hives. Here are a few observations:

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Oprah Winfrey: the country’s moral compass & fairy godmother? Why must the camera capture every one of Queen O’s animated observations? Can we only applaud after Oprah deems a joke worthy of her well-manicured hands making noise?

Travolta’s Best Role: Lecherous Neighbor 

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

John’s Scientology-drenched creepiness gets ickier with every sighting. First, he manhandles Scar Jo on the red carpet and then he caresses Idina Menzel’s face like it is a fresh toupee. Travolta, get into an auditing session quickly, you’ve got some demons to expel.

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence Howard, what are you on, and how can I get some? I am enjoying every second of his starring role in Empire, and I think that Courtney Love’s guest appearance may come with some added benefits. T. Howard, keep doing what you are doing, you were the most entertaining presenter up there.

Dakota Johnson: Her mother’s, like, so annoying. 

And, the award for the most spoiled, boring celebrity spawn goes to…Dakota Johnson. Her interview on E’s wrecking ball of a red carpet show was cringe-worthy. I suspect that Melanie slipped Dakota a Quaalude just to be able to spend time with her. These two have less chemistry than Dakota and Jamie Dornan in “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Dakota, don't bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Dakota, don’t bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Don Johnson has more charisma in his ear hair than his daughter has in her body. Dakota, your soon-to-be canceled television drama series is waiting for you, give it a few years, but we’ll see you there.

Wake Me When the Music Ends: The musical performances ran the gamut, from boring (Tim McGraw) to insipid (“Everything is Awesome” fiasco).

Oh, "Into the Woods" wan't THAT bad.

Oh, “Into the Woods” wan’t THAT bad.

Much like Brad Pitt, I am obviously missing a sensitivity chip because while I thought the J. Legend and Common performance was good, we just saw the same damned thing at the Grammys. However, watching Chris Pine cry was worth it. Chris, I know that you haven’t had a bonafide hit in a while, but don’t cry about it lovely.

Allow Elliott Smith to Show Them How It’s Done: I long for an Oscar-worthy performance like Elliott Smith’s showstopper in 1998. Elliott, clad in a white, borrowed Prada suit, gave a surreal, haunting version of “Miss Misery” from Good Will Hunting. Sandwiched between Trisha Yearwood and Celine Dion, he was magic. Celien Dion went on to win the Oscar, but Elliott won a legion of new fans and he talked about how kind Celine Dion was to him throughout the Oscar week.

This was pretty amazing.

This was pretty amazing.

It was not all bad.

Lady Gaga can really sing, Julianne Moore is a gem, Patricia Arquette’s rousing speech for women’s equality was great, and I love her rebellious stance on the whole shindig. Yeah, she needed a brush, but she’s an Arquette, and they are the connoisseurs of cookoo cool and cognac . Keira

I'm guilty, I didn't know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

I’m guilty, I didn’t know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

Knightley is donning the best maternity clothes of all time and Anna Kendrick is a fresh breath of air.

Praise Oprah, there were no reality stars there! Minus the horrid E Red Carpet Inferno of Stupidity, I did not spy a Kardashian trollop there, not even soulless supermodel Kendall. I want to thank the Academy for their decency.

Till next awards show. XO

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!

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