The Oscar for Longest Oscar Telecast Goes to….

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I missed "Downton Abbey" for this?

I missed “Downton Abbey” for this?

The Oscars, I powered through every second of dreaded overtime, I winced at each Neil Patrick Harris joke that bombed and when in doubt, I looked to Oprah to guide me on how to react. Hosting the Oscars is a thankless job and I give Doogie Howser M.D. a “B ” for effort, but I prefer a host that goes full-throttle with the celebrity insults. I want to watch Adam Levine squirm in his Armani, I want to see Gwynnie break out in hives. Here are a few observations:

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Is Oprah laughing? Can I laugh?

Oprah Winfrey: the country’s moral compass & fairy godmother? Why must the camera capture every one of Queen O’s animated observations? Can we only applaud after Oprah deems a joke worthy of her well-manicured hands making noise?

Travolta’s Best Role: Lecherous Neighbor 

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

ScarJo will take 30 showers to wash this off.

John’s Scientology-drenched creepiness gets ickier with every sighting. First, he manhandles Scar Jo on the red carpet and then he caresses Idina Menzel’s face like it is a fresh toupee. Travolta, get into an auditing session quickly, you’ve got some demons to expel.

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence, did Courtney Love give you some of the good stuff?

Terrence Howard, what are you on, and how can I get some? I am enjoying every second of his starring role in Empire, and I think that Courtney Love’s guest appearance may come with some added benefits. T. Howard, keep doing what you are doing, you were the most entertaining presenter up there.

Dakota Johnson: Her mother’s, like, so annoying. 

And, the award for the most spoiled, boring celebrity spawn goes to…Dakota Johnson. Her interview on E’s wrecking ball of a red carpet show was cringe-worthy. I suspect that Melanie slipped Dakota a Quaalude just to be able to spend time with her. These two have less chemistry than Dakota and Jamie Dornan in “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Dakota, don't bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Dakota, don’t bite the hand that gave you your career. Next!

Don Johnson has more charisma in his ear hair than his daughter has in her body. Dakota, your soon-to-be canceled television drama series is waiting for you, give it a few years, but we’ll see you there.

Wake Me When the Music Ends: The musical performances ran the gamut, from boring (Tim McGraw) to insipid (“Everything is Awesome” fiasco).

Oh, "Into the Woods" wan't THAT bad.

Oh, “Into the Woods” wan’t THAT bad.

Much like Brad Pitt, I am obviously missing a sensitivity chip because while I thought the J. Legend and Common performance was good, we just saw the same damned thing at the Grammys. However, watching Chris Pine cry was worth it. Chris, I know that you haven’t had a bonafide hit in a while, but don’t cry about it lovely.

Allow Elliott Smith to Show Them How It’s Done: I long for an Oscar-worthy performance like Elliott Smith’s showstopper in 1998. Elliott, clad in a white, borrowed Prada suit, gave a surreal, haunting version of “Miss Misery” from Good Will Hunting. Sandwiched between Trisha Yearwood and Celine Dion, he was magic. Celien Dion went on to win the Oscar, but Elliott won a legion of new fans and he talked about how kind Celine Dion was to him throughout the Oscar week.

This was pretty amazing.

This was pretty amazing.

It was not all bad.

Lady Gaga can really sing, Julianne Moore is a gem, Patricia Arquette’s rousing speech for women’s equality was great, and I love her rebellious stance on the whole shindig. Yeah, she needed a brush, but she’s an Arquette, and they are the connoisseurs of cookoo cool and cognac . Keira

I'm guilty, I didn't know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

I’m guilty, I didn’t know Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully.

Knightley is donning the best maternity clothes of all time and Anna Kendrick is a fresh breath of air.

Praise Oprah, there were no reality stars there! Minus the horrid E Red Carpet Inferno of Stupidity, I did not spy a Kardashian trollop there, not even soulless supermodel Kendall. I want to thank the Academy for their decency.

Till next awards show. XO

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!

You go Patricia Arquette, messy hair and all!

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Father John Misty:A New Love & Scarlett Johansson: Stop Singing

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Father John Misty, My New Love

I don't care how insipid your stage name is, you've got me.

I don’t care how insipid your stage name is, you’ve got me.

My current fascination is Father John Misty, a.k,a. Joshua Tillman, the former drummer for Fleet of Foxes. He sings and writes beautiful folk rock with a political slant and a wicked sense of humor. I saw this performance on David Letterman and was transfixed by the enormity of his voice and the poetry of his words. The song, “Bored in the U.S.A.” is from his newest album “I Love You, Honeybear”- I especially enjoy the laugh track in the song, he’s a pretentious whiner and he’s in on the joke, he’s navigating the whole thing.

I recently got lost in a k-hole of his totally watchable music videos, they’re filled with blood, sex, violence, prostitutes and debauchery.This gem, “Hollywood Forever Cemetery” stars bleakly beautiful Aubrey Plaza of Parks and Recreation.

If Scarlett Johansson becomes a pop star, slap me. Hard.

Scarlett and Jack Antonoff, high school loves.

Scarlett and Jack Antonoff, high school loves.

ScarJo, cease the music-making. There was the embarrassing Tom Waits tribute album, an ill-conceived collaboration with Pete Yorn and now this, the Singles, a super-pop, all-girl band fronted by Johansson. If this is good, then I’m dead.

Scarlett, I know that

Jack Antonoff and current love, Lena Dunham

Jack Antonoff and current love, Lena Dunham

you attended the Professional Children’s School in Manhattan, a selective private school in Manhattan where you dated Lena Dunham’s beau Jack Antonoff of Fun. and the Bleachers. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

I get it, your extreme beauty forces everyone in your presence into “yes men.” “Yes, Scarlett, you can be a pop star.” NO! You should know the unfair ways of this weary world, but maybe you were filming Home Alone 3 during this important life lesson, so let me break it down for you: One cannot succeed at everything, one really cannot have it all. You’re exquisite looking, talented, cool, seemingly intelligent and just bounced back to your miraculous shape after giving birth months ago- you cannot be a pop star, also.

Don’t get it? Let’s use me as an example. I’m funny, popular, fashionable, and well-read with a good husband and healthy children so obviously I have to be overweight, under employed and have an unsightly underarm perspiration problem. That’s the way the cronut crumbles, didn’t you learn that at your posh preparatory school?

Please, stop making this music and I’ll go back to loving you.

XO, a maniac.

Grammys: Beck’s brilliance shines,Kayne West is dumb, Madonna delivers something, Gwen Stefani should keep to the silly stuff.

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I kept myself awake to write this stupid blog.

I kept myself awake to write this stupid blog.

The Grammys were dull and filled with ballads, but I watched it all, every off-key note, every exposed side boob and each time Sam Smith recited a totally uninspiring acceptance speech. Yawn.

beck-624-1367411586

Kayne, let me introduce you to a true visionary, Mr. Beck Hansen.

But who cares? Beck won three Grammys and if there’s anything you need to know about me, it’s that I love Beck in an unnatural way. I love Beck the way I should love my family. So, now I have a new enemy: Mr. Kayne West Kardashian. By now, we all know that Kayne, in his bare chested glory, swaggered on stage while Beck was accepting his well-deserved Grammy in protest of Beyonce not winning. What a clown. Mr. West Kardashian, you’re needed in the lobby, Kris Jenner needs her colonic and your dad-in-law Brucey needs to be reminded where his soul and testacles are located.

 The Grammy Goods

Miranda Lambert What a surprise, I never knew that Miranda Lambert was a rocker. She was the first good performance of the evening. Lambert commandeered the stage and was the only rebel that had to be bleeped for swearing.

Sia with Kristen Wig and Maddie Ziegler. What can’t Kristen

I've got nothing but love for this.

I’ve got nothing but love for this.

Wig do? She’s hysterical, a fine actress and a captivating modern dancer. “Chandelier” was the most enthralling performance of the evening, and my most-loved song of the year. How kind of Sia to write a song documenting my early 20s.

Annie Lennox & Hozier Annie Lennox was the strongest vocal performance of the night. The woman can sing and she and Hozier made a dynamic duo.

Beck Speaks Beck won three Grammys, including the aforementioned Kayne-infected Album of the Year triumph. Beck spoke and I listened to every word he

Beck is fond of redheads. Marissa Ribissi, Beck's wife since 2004.

Beck is fond of redheads. Marissa Ribissi, Beck’s wife since 2004.

uttered. He kissed his wife, Marissa Ribisi of “Dazed & Confused” fame and Giovanni Ribissi’s twin sister, and thanked his children. Beck went on to harmonize with Chris Martin for a beautiful performance of “Heart Is a Drum”.

This is what we do in lil' Rhody.

This is what we do in lil’ Rhody.

John Mayer & Ed Sheeran Who cares about this performance if not for the fact that Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift are pals as all we Rhode Islanders know by seeing the pictures of Ed hanging with T. Swizzle in our sweet little state. John Mayer broke TayTay’s young heart and continues to bash her in the media while dating her nemesis Katy Perry. Got all that? Hmm, where was that camera crew to get Taylor’s reaction to this collaboration?

I'm attracted to redheads and pretentious men. Really, I am.

I’m attracted to redheads and pretentious men. Really, I am.

John Mayer reminds me of most the boys I went to college with that wouldn’t date me for all the Brooks Brothers clothing in the world. He resembles most Connecticut bred assholes I’ve ever met: good looking, well-dressed, from a solid background and completely obnoxious.

Madonna Madonna was never famous for her pipes and voices

It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad.

don’t get stronger with age, but she’s Madonna, and she’s freaking 56 years old. I don’t know how much puppy blood she’s consumed to look this good, but keep doing what you’re doing Madge.

The Boringly Bad

Ariana Grande, pure mediocrity at it’s prettiest. Is Ariana the new rich man’s X-tina Aguilera?

Katy Perry I do not care if this was a powerful anthem about domestic abuse, it was a sonic Ambien. The performance reminded me of my childhood dance recital skits- overly emotional, too much makeup and a lot of accolades for nothing. Katy, your crowning moment from the Super Bowl was short-lived and you’ve been placed back on my Queen of Drivel list.

They must see the same dermatologist.

They must see the same dermatologist.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban Are they morphing into one another? Just an observation.

Meghan Trainor mentioned her Nashville roots. I’m confused because she is from Nantucket, MA, just about as far from Nashville as possible. Maybe she meant that she and Brian Williams both saved Nashville from a zombie apocalypse brought on by her nasally voice. That makes sense.

Gwen Stefani & Adam Levine The worst performance of the night must be  given to my usual love Gwen Stefani. She warbled her way through some soul-sucking ballad with Adam Levine. Ouch. I am fond of Stefani, but let’s stick to the silly stuff and keep the power ballads to, well, anyone else. After this debacle, I don’t think she should be judging anyone’s voice on “The Voice”. Don’t believe me? Take a listen.

Mary J. Blige Once Mary J. Blige and all her self righteousness takes the stage, that’s the sign it’s time for the show to slowly peter out. I’m Sam Smithed out and his pairing with Mary J. Blige sounded great, but once again, what a bore.

Back to Kayne, one last time.

I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us,” Kim Kardashian’s better half blabbered. “We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyonce.”

Kayne, you really are a joke and the punchline is that you don’t know it, and that makes the universal joke just so much funnier.

I stalk rock stars. Part 1.

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I stalk rock stars. It used be a large part of my life. My plan was to befriend them, party with them and maybe become a groupie, but damn my Catholic upbringing, it always gets in the way of the real bad stuff. When I was young and hot, I’d jump onstage during rock shows, lurk post-show at hotels to catch a glimpse and deliver cookies to the creepy men that guarded the backstage door. I was a detective; I’d locate the lead singer’s number and call him at ridiculous times. I was cunning. I attribute all this rock star lust and silliness to my poor grades in high school, but I was a great success.

Tanya Donelly

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I'm back!

Tanya, remember me following you to Ocean Coffee Roasters in 1994? I’m back!

Just last week I met one of my idols, Tanya Donelly of Belly, Throwing Muses and Breeders fame, and an incredible solo artist. In the mid-90s I spent valuable time pestering my professor, Donelly’s step-father, for information on Tanya. I would bombard him with an assortment of intrusive questions about his rock-n-roll family and show up at Belly shows pleading with him to get me backstage. He was a kind man, but he put an end to it with one statement: “Shouldn’t you spend more time completing your papers than you do learning about my daughter’s life?”  I got the picture and a C+ in his class.

Last thirsty Thursday, I saw Tanya play at The Salvation Cafe in Newport for an intimate acoustic show that also included the consistently great Brothers Kendall. The set list included little bits of brilliance like “Not Too Soon” and “Dusted”. Special guests Gail Greenwood and Dave Narcizo added to the nostalgia. I saw Belly in 1993, 1994 and 1995 and I felt just as young watching Tanya Donelly last week.

Courtney, I’ll start smoking cigarettes again for you.

I see a real resemblance, do you?

I see a real resemblance, do you?

Meeting Courtney Love was the highlight of my life. Yes, I’ve had a bunch of kids and been married once or twice, but meeting Courtney Love was the most euphoric experience of my life. Giving birth was a highlight, but it was bloody and scary and filled with IVs and defecation. Too much? Always. 

I am not an overly ambitious person, but when given the slight chance of meeting Courtney, I seized the day, I was unstoppable. I weaseled my way past hundreds of people and managed to be the first photo- op of the evening. Courtney was at an art exhibit showcasing her own artwork and I was ready to take her with me for the rest of our lives. Love was gracious and warm, I told her that she’s “my world” and then she and I discussed how similarly we were dressed. Messed up minds do think alike.

At the end of the evening, I yelled over to Courtney and her large entourage, “Courtney, we’re on our way to a rock show, come with us, drinks on me!” She shook her head with a smirking, disapproving look. Pure bliss.

Loudon Wainwright III, we shall meet again.

Families that Love Loudon Stay Together

My brother started this one. He’s been to see Loudon Wainwright III more times than I’ve shampooed my hair. It’s been going on for decades, but my fanatic involvement has been for a little over a decade. Within that time, I’ve seen Loudon in New York City, Memphis, Boston, Fall River, the Berkshires and maybe even a few I don’t remember. At times, there’s copious amounts of alcohol swirled into these evenings.

Loudon’s performance pecks at my heart little by little each time, his voice resonates and I’m suddenly surrounded by memories, good and bad. It’s a beautiful, emotional and at times uncomfortable few hours. Loudon is a writer, a poet, an actor, a name dropper, a folk-music patriarch and a dynamic showman.

I’ve met him a few times now. My brother, sister and I have been to dinner with Loudon and those nights have been some of the happiest moments of my life. Most Irish Americans have a picture of JFK in their homes, but we all have a picture of Loudon Wainwright III.

To be continued.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s vaginal steam, the new James Franco, I think I get football & Katy Perry now.

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Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent endorsement of vaginal steaming sounds as appealing as stomaching thirty seconds of Mordecai. Who is still giving Johnny Depp movie roles? It’s hard for him to continue playing the rebel when he resembles the patriarch of a small Midwestern taxidermy cult. Paltrow’s hysterically out-of-touch lifestyle website, Goop, explains vaginal steaming:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort [plant] steam cleanses your uterus.It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Sounds frightening, but not as frightening as Johnny Depp’s movie selections.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and one affected accent.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and both their affected accents.

I know that Johnny Depp has it in him to star in another watchable movie, but he’s obviously in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Let’s check out possible warning signs:

  • Super attractive, formerly bisexual fiancee 23 years younger than him.
  • Penchant for dressing out of one’s age bracket, which for Johnny appears to be a
    Johnny, I've had nights like this.

    Johnny, I’ve had nights like this.

    104-year old  lunatic with a love for baubles.

  • A drunk, babbling turn as an awards show presenter at the recent Hollywood Film Awards. His best performance in a decade!

P.S. Johnny, we know you’re from Florida and Madonna is from Michigan. It’s okay, you can let go of the affected accent. We loved you when you were trashing hotel rooms and dating starlets (still doing the starlet thing). Johnny, we want you back. Think superhero movie villian.

Hello Shiloh Fernandez

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

I watch VH1’s Top 20 Video countdown every weekend strictly for research purposes. While recently pretending to loathe Selena Gomez’s auto-tuned-to-near-perfection single “Heart Wants What it Wants”, I was instantly smitten with the man that plays her Bieber in the video. Move over James and Dave Franco, I’ve found a new squinty-eyed bad boy. Agents, can you give this man all the roles you’re still giving Depp?

I May Enjoy football & Katy Perry

I watched the Super Bowl, like, really, watched the Super Bowl and I found it fascinating. Who Knew? There’s drama, fights, rivalries and celebrity sightings. It’s better than The Housewives of Beverly Hills! Tom Brady takes off his helmet for the world to watch him think, stress, wince and jump up and down with joy. The Super Bowl was like the best reality show of all time with actual talent. I was hooked.

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

My shock continues, I can’t believe I’m writing this: Katy Perry was good. She delivered. She provided fun, recognizable pop music to the masses and was unpredictable with her surprise guest of Missy Elliott. Yeah, it was painful to watch Katy Perry, in her bedazzled glory, try to show off her newly found street cred up there with Elliott, but Missy Elliott is welcome any time and as I looked around my home, I saw everyone watching every moment.

Lenny Kravitz, the baby-daddy of arena rock, was another wise move. Lenny’s popularity is multifaceted due to his performance in The Hunger Games. I do not dig Katy, but I have got to give it to her, she entertained me for the whole twelve minutes.