Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent endorsement of vaginal steaming sounds as appealing as stomaching thirty seconds of Mordecai. Who is still giving Johnny Depp movie roles? It’s hard for him to continue playing the rebel when he resembles the patriarch of a small Midwestern taxidermy cult. Paltrow’s hysterically out-of-touch lifestyle website, Goop, explains vaginal steaming:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort [plant] steam cleanses your uterus.It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Sounds frightening, but not as frightening as Johnny Depp’s movie selections.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and both their affected accents.

I know that Johnny Depp has it in him to star in another watchable movie, but he’s obviously in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Let’s check out possible warning signs:

• Super attractive, formerly bisexual fiancee 23 years younger than him.
• Penchant for dressing out of one’s age bracket, which for Johnny appears to be a
  

  Johnny, I’ve had nights like this.

  104-year old  lunatic with a love for baubles.

• A drunk, babbling turn as an awards show presenter at the recent Hollywood Film Awards. His best performance in a decade!

P.S. Johnny, we know you’re from Florida and Madonna is from Michigan. It’s okay, you can let go of the affected accent. We loved you when you were trashing hotel rooms and dating starlets (still doing the starlet thing). Johnny, we want you back. Think superhero movie villian.

Hello Shiloh Fernandez

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

I watch VH1’s Top 20 Video countdown every weekend strictly for research purposes. While recently pretending to loathe Selena Gomez’s auto-tuned-to-near-perfection single “Heart Wants What it Wants”, I was instantly smitten with the man that plays her Bieber in the video. Move over James and Dave Franco, I’ve found a new squinty-eyed bad boy. Agents, can you give this man all the roles you’re still giving Depp?

I May Enjoy football & Katy Perry

I watched the Super Bowl, like, really, watched the Super Bowl and I found it fascinating. Who Knew? There’s drama, fights, rivalries and celebrity sightings. It’s better than The Housewives of Beverly Hills! Tom Brady takes off his helmet for the world to watch him think, stress, wince and jump up and down with joy. The Super Bowl was like the best reality show of all time with actual talent. I was hooked.

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

My shock continues, I can’t believe I’m writing this: Katy Perry was good. She delivered. She provided fun, recognizable pop music to the masses and was unpredictable with her surprise guest of Missy Elliott. Yeah, it was painful to watch Katy Perry, in her bedazzled glory, try to show off her newly found street cred up there with Elliott, but Missy Elliott is welcome any time and as I looked around my home, I saw everyone watching every moment.

Lenny Kravitz, the baby-daddy of arena rock, was another wise move. Lenny’s popularity is multifaceted due to his performance in The Hunger Games. I do not dig Katy, but I have got to give it to her, she entertained me for the whole twelve minutes.