The Grammys: Mediocre as Meghan Trainor’s Talent

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Meghan Trainor joins other Best New Artist Grammy Winners Milli Vanilla & Paula Cole

I love pop music a smidgen more than I love myself so one would think that the recent Grammys would be tastier than a gin and tonic for me, right? Instead, I walked away feeling a lot like George Clooney’s career- deflated and defeated. When it was good (Kendrick Lamar, The Weeknd, TayTay) it was so damned good, and when it was bad (um, Pitbull), it was even better.

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The Biebs. I can forgive a lot, but not this jacket.

First, let’s get all the mean stuff out of the way:

  • Which was more fake? Ariana Grande’s eyelashes or Ellie Goulding’s lips?
  • When did Tyrese Gibson get out of filming Fast and Furious 19 to learn how to sing?
  •  Justin Bieber’s dancing hurt me more than his leopard print Member’s Only jacket. Biebs, I just started loving you, don’t make me stop.
  • For those few that don’t hate me for criticizing Beyoncé, now you will loathe me: Adele was boring and no, I can’t blame it all on the sound guy. Boring is boring.

 Unlike Meghan Trainor’s style, there was some coolness.

Much to my teenager’s chagrin, I dig Kendrick Lamar.Am I too old and square to dig Kendrick? Absolutely, but his performance was electrifying.

The Weeknd was excellent and Taylor Swift’s voice gets stronger with every performance. But really, isn’t Taylor Swift more entertaining to watch than to listen to? She never misses a beat. Her response to the world’s 2nd biggest jackass* Kayne West’s proclamation that he “made that bitch famous” was pure magic. The girl is oozing class and charm from her tight pores. Take  look:

 Kim Kardashian could have done better than Kayne West, and that is saying something.

Kayne West, how could I possibly dislike him more? He’s inflicted so much pain on me, but his ‘SNL’ performance was the worst of all, it was atrocious.  West’s ‘SNL’ performance made Ashlee Simspon’s look like a work of art.

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Nice shirt, jackass.

Kayne, you are to the art and fashion world what I am to the blogging world. You are silly and insignificant. Your stardom is dimming like the light behind your wife’s eyes. Kayne actually forces me to feel sympathy for the Kardashians.

Kayne closed out his ‘SNL’ debacle by sporting a t-shirt with his dead mother on the front, and Kim Kardashian’s dead father, famed-OJ Simpson pal Robert Kardashian on the back. For those that do not know, Kayne’s mother, Dr. Donda West,  died from a liposuction surgery that she had been advised against getting. She was 58. You can’t make this stuff up.

James Bay, I’m Onto You

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James Bay- the new Johnny Depp?

But wait a minute, who is this James Bay? I love an English rocker that can rock the pale Amish hipster look. Even better, he can sing.Could this be my new thing?

Yes. indeed. Thank you James Bay, thank you.

Johnny Depp: Please Stop

Just as the Grammys were coming to a quiet close, out comes David Grohl to announce a Lemmy Motorhead tribute performance by  the Hollywood  Vampires. Nice, this could be good!

But, no! What happened to Johnny Depp? His bloated pirate look is just so wrong.Please Johnny, we  want to love you again. Leave your young starlet of a wife, remove some of your uglier tattoos and get back to yourself. You’re having a mid-life crisis, and I’m worried. Get better. More “Black Mass,” less “Pirates of the Doomed & Gloomed”.

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Martin

*Martin Shkreli is actually the #1 biggest jackass.

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Beyoncé Blasé is an Illness from which I Suffer, The Juice is Rotten & ‘Carol’ Disappoints

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Beyoncé  Bores me. I said it. Don’t hurt me.

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Hello, my name is Kathleen and I have Beyonce Blase. Getty Image.

Do I need to hire a bodyguard? Will my children be safe? Is my job secure: I am admitting, with fingers shaking and extreme heartburn: I have Beyoncé Blasé.

It is a condition that inflicts many, but people live in dread of admitting it, even to themselves. The illness is often confused with squareness, racism or simply “not getting it.” The sickness usually strikes after Beyoncé performs in a widely-watched telecast such as Superbowl 50 and for the whole time you’re left wondering, “didn’t I just see her do this?” Yes, you kind of did.

The black onesie, the robotic look of anger mixed with sexiness that ends with a feigned shy smile and a bashful “thanks” to the crowd. Yes, we’ve seen it all before. From her beautiful face to her luscious locks to her exposed derriere. Been there, done that.

The Juice is Rotten

O.J. Simpson is having a true resurgence in pop-culture. I want to be bigger than this, I want to stay away from paying any more attention to this man, but when FX’s  American Crime Story is so compelling, how can I?

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FX’s “American Crime Story” It’s good.

Even worse, my humiliating guilty pleasure, the brain cell popping Housewives of Beverly Hills practically has OJ as a ghost of a recurring character. This season, Faye Resnick and her bee stung face join the cast along with Kathryn Edwards, another supporting member of the OJ Simpson cast of repugnant hanger-ons. These two never-beens are right up there with Kris Jenner and the Kardashian patriarch, OJ lawyer Robert Kardashian in the Wretched People Hall of Fame.

I watched, along with the world, when OJ Simpson was found innocent. I was a sophomore in college, a budding feminist and a sensitive soul/basket case (your call). I called my father, in a fit of anger and tears over the verdict, and I remember my father telling me, “Life’s not fair.”

No, the Sex Scene Can’t Save ‘Carol’ 

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Can thousands of critics be wrong?

You know what else is not fair? How tedious critics’ darling and Oscar contender Carol felt. Go ahead, critics and movie snobs, tell me I’m wrong, but I wish I’d spent my $11 on Daddy’s Home and I despise Marky Mark Wahlberg. Exquisitely shot with beautiful costumes, the flick is blanketed in beauty. Rooney Mara’s expressive face can tell a story with a blink, but it can’t carry a movie. I stomached the movie in a state of mental exhaustion, but even that can’t explain the lack of chemistry between Cate Blanchett and Mara. Add on an over-acting Kyle Chandler and a sex scene that arrived approximately 22 minutes too late and you’ve got a painful few hours. My friend told me that it was a dud, and I chose to learn that on my own. Please, see Revenant or Room instead.

Life’s Swell Thanks to the Arctic Monkeys & Therapy

I don’t dislike everything. I currently love the Arctic Monkeys, therapy, carrot sticks and beer as much as a person can love anything. My therapist just assured me that my daily need to crunch on carrot sicks at the same time everyday doesn’t really make me insane. He’s also guided me to drink water with every alcoholic beverage I consume, what marvelous advice! Wish I’d thought of that on New Year’s Eve, but there’s always next year! Oh yeah, he also told me that my goal of shocking people when I speak with them is perfectly normal, but that I should DEFINITELY keep coming to therapy.