I love pop music a smidgen more than I love myself so one would think that the recent Grammys would be tastier than a gin and tonic for me, right? Instead, I walked away feeling a lot like George Clooney’s career- deflated and defeated. When it was good (Kendrick Lamar, The Weeknd, TayTay) it was so damned good, and when it was bad (um, Pitbull), it was even better.
First, let’s get all the mean stuff out of the way:
- Which was more fake? Ariana Grande’s eyelashes or Ellie Goulding’s lips?
- When did Tyrese Gibson get out of filming Fast and Furious 19 to learn how to sing?
- Justin Bieber’s dancing hurt me more than his leopard print Member’s Only jacket. Biebs, I just started loving you, don’t make me stop.
- For those few that don’t hate me for criticizing Beyoncé, now you will loathe me: Adele was boring and no, I can’t blame it all on the sound guy. Boring is boring.
Unlike Meghan Trainor’s style, there was some coolness.
Much to my teenager’s chagrin, I dig Kendrick Lamar.Am I too old and square to dig Kendrick? Absolutely, but his performance was electrifying.
The Weeknd was excellent and Taylor Swift’s voice gets stronger with every performance. But really, isn’t Taylor Swift more entertaining to watch than to listen to? She never misses a beat. Her response to the world’s 2nd biggest jackass* Kayne West’s proclamation that he “made that bitch famous” was pure magic. The girl is oozing class and charm from her tight pores. Take look:
Kim Kardashian could have done better than Kayne West, and that is saying something.
Kayne West, how could I possibly dislike him more? He’s inflicted so much pain on me, but his ‘SNL’ performance was the worst of all, it was atrocious. West’s ‘SNL’ performance made Ashlee Simspon’s look like a work of art.
Kayne, you are to the art and fashion world what I am to the blogging world. You are silly and insignificant. Your stardom is dimming like the light behind your wife’s eyes. Kayne actually forces me to feel sympathy for the Kardashians.
Kayne closed out his ‘SNL’ debacle by sporting a t-shirt with his dead mother on the front, and Kim Kardashian’s dead father, famed-OJ Simpson pal Robert Kardashian on the back. For those that do not know, Kayne’s mother, Dr. Donda West, died from a liposuction surgery that she had been advised against getting. She was 58. You can’t make this stuff up.
James Bay, I’m Onto You
But wait a minute, who is this James Bay? I love an English rocker that can rock the pale Amish hipster look. Even better, he can sing.Could this be my new thing?
Yes. indeed. Thank you James Bay, thank you.
Johnny Depp: Please Stop
Just as the Grammys were coming to a quiet close, out comes David Grohl to announce a Lemmy Motorhead tribute performance by the Hollywood Vampires. Nice, this could be good!
But, no! What happened to Johnny Depp? His bloated pirate look is just so wrong.Please Johnny, we want to love you again. Leave your young starlet of a wife, remove some of your uglier tattoos and get back to yourself. You’re having a mid-life crisis, and I’m worried. Get better. More “Black Mass,” less “Pirates of the Doomed & Gloomed”.
*Martin Shkreli is actually the #1 biggest jackass.