The Grammys: Mediocre as Meghan Trainor’s Talent

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Meghan Trainor joins other Best New Artist Grammy Winners Milli Vanilla & Paula Cole

I love pop music a smidgen more than I love myself so one would think that the recent Grammys would be tastier than a gin and tonic for me, right? Instead, I walked away feeling a lot like George Clooney’s career- deflated and defeated. When it was good (Kendrick Lamar, The Weeknd, TayTay) it was so damned good, and when it was bad (um, Pitbull), it was even better.

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The Biebs. I can forgive a lot, but not this jacket.

First, let’s get all the mean stuff out of the way:

  • Which was more fake? Ariana Grande’s eyelashes or Ellie Goulding’s lips?
  • When did Tyrese Gibson get out of filming Fast and Furious 19 to learn how to sing?
  •  Justin Bieber’s dancing hurt me more than his leopard print Member’s Only jacket. Biebs, I just started loving you, don’t make me stop.
  • For those few that don’t hate me for criticizing Beyoncé, now you will loathe me: Adele was boring and no, I can’t blame it all on the sound guy. Boring is boring.

 Unlike Meghan Trainor’s style, there was some coolness.

Much to my teenager’s chagrin, I dig Kendrick Lamar.Am I too old and square to dig Kendrick? Absolutely, but his performance was electrifying.

The Weeknd was excellent and Taylor Swift’s voice gets stronger with every performance. But really, isn’t Taylor Swift more entertaining to watch than to listen to? She never misses a beat. Her response to the world’s 2nd biggest jackass* Kayne West’s proclamation that he “made that bitch famous” was pure magic. The girl is oozing class and charm from her tight pores. Take  look:

 Kim Kardashian could have done better than Kayne West, and that is saying something.

Kayne West, how could I possibly dislike him more? He’s inflicted so much pain on me, but his ‘SNL’ performance was the worst of all, it was atrocious.  West’s ‘SNL’ performance made Ashlee Simspon’s look like a work of art.

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Nice shirt, jackass.

Kayne, you are to the art and fashion world what I am to the blogging world. You are silly and insignificant. Your stardom is dimming like the light behind your wife’s eyes. Kayne actually forces me to feel sympathy for the Kardashians.

Kayne closed out his ‘SNL’ debacle by sporting a t-shirt with his dead mother on the front, and Kim Kardashian’s dead father, famed-OJ Simpson pal Robert Kardashian on the back. For those that do not know, Kayne’s mother, Dr. Donda West,  died from a liposuction surgery that she had been advised against getting. She was 58. You can’t make this stuff up.

James Bay, I’m Onto You

James Bay

James Bay- the new Johnny Depp?

But wait a minute, who is this James Bay? I love an English rocker that can rock the pale Amish hipster look. Even better, he can sing.Could this be my new thing?

Yes. indeed. Thank you James Bay, thank you.

Johnny Depp: Please Stop

Just as the Grammys were coming to a quiet close, out comes David Grohl to announce a Lemmy Motorhead tribute performance by  the Hollywood  Vampires. Nice, this could be good!

But, no! What happened to Johnny Depp? His bloated pirate look is just so wrong.Please Johnny, we  want to love you again. Leave your young starlet of a wife, remove some of your uglier tattoos and get back to yourself. You’re having a mid-life crisis, and I’m worried. Get better. More “Black Mass,” less “Pirates of the Doomed & Gloomed”.

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Martin

*Martin Shkreli is actually the #1 biggest jackass.

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Gwyneth Paltrow’s vaginal steam, the new James Franco, I think I get football & Katy Perry now.

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Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Could this be the biggest box-office bomb of the year? Oh Johnny.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent endorsement of vaginal steaming sounds as appealing as stomaching thirty seconds of Mordecai. Who is still giving Johnny Depp movie roles? It’s hard for him to continue playing the rebel when he resembles the patriarch of a small Midwestern taxidermy cult. Paltrow’s hysterically out-of-touch lifestyle website, Goop, explains vaginal steaming:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort [plant] steam cleanses your uterus.It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Sounds frightening, but not as frightening as Johnny Depp’s movie selections.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and one affected accent.

The marriage will last two kids, three more bombs, one Oscar nomination and both their affected accents.

I know that Johnny Depp has it in him to star in another watchable movie, but he’s obviously in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Let’s check out possible warning signs:

  • Super attractive, formerly bisexual fiancee 23 years younger than him.
  • Penchant for dressing out of one’s age bracket, which for Johnny appears to be a
    Johnny, I've had nights like this.

    Johnny, I’ve had nights like this.

    104-year old  lunatic with a love for baubles.

  • A drunk, babbling turn as an awards show presenter at the recent Hollywood Film Awards. His best performance in a decade!

P.S. Johnny, we know you’re from Florida and Madonna is from Michigan. It’s okay, you can let go of the affected accent. We loved you when you were trashing hotel rooms and dating starlets (still doing the starlet thing). Johnny, we want you back. Think superhero movie villian.

Hello Shiloh Fernandez

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

Shiloh Fernandez, I like your squint.

I watch VH1’s Top 20 Video countdown every weekend strictly for research purposes. While recently pretending to loathe Selena Gomez’s auto-tuned-to-near-perfection single “Heart Wants What it Wants”, I was instantly smitten with the man that plays her Bieber in the video. Move over James and Dave Franco, I’ve found a new squinty-eyed bad boy. Agents, can you give this man all the roles you’re still giving Depp?

I May Enjoy football & Katy Perry

I watched the Super Bowl, like, really, watched the Super Bowl and I found it fascinating. Who Knew? There’s drama, fights, rivalries and celebrity sightings. It’s better than The Housewives of Beverly Hills! Tom Brady takes off his helmet for the world to watch him think, stress, wince and jump up and down with joy. The Super Bowl was like the best reality show of all time with actual talent. I was hooked.

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

Katy did not disappoint. Did I really admit that?

My shock continues, I can’t believe I’m writing this: Katy Perry was good. She delivered. She provided fun, recognizable pop music to the masses and was unpredictable with her surprise guest of Missy Elliott. Yeah, it was painful to watch Katy Perry, in her bedazzled glory, try to show off her newly found street cred up there with Elliott, but Missy Elliott is welcome any time and as I looked around my home, I saw everyone watching every moment.

Lenny Kravitz, the baby-daddy of arena rock, was another wise move. Lenny’s popularity is multifaceted due to his performance in The Hunger Games. I do not dig Katy, but I have got to give it to her, she entertained me for the whole twelve minutes.