I only speak in euphemisms and hyperbole.My goal is to be as honest as I possibly can be without sounding like I’m being honest. Euphemisms offer a more dignified approach to explain everyone’s problems while hyperbole satisfies my desire to shock people. I’m embarking on a one-woman crusade for civilized banter. I beg of the world, can’t we do better than “this sucks” and “I’m bored?” Yes, life does indeed suck, but let’s dig a little deeper into our treasure trove of nasty words to bestow upon people and things that do suck.

Cheap: Frugal.

Addict: Troubled

Crazy: Fragile

Lost in life: Undecided

Promiscuous: Over-trusting 

Eccentric: Annoying

Fat: Out-of-shape

Rednecks: Uncultured

Cheated: Strayed

Brat: Feisty

Words get so sticky while we all share space in the politically conscious world of half-truths. But don’t fret, I don’t want to be honest about anything truly important, just about pop music and celebrities.

Shall I attempt honesty with The 2015 Emmys? The Emmys were fantastically dull, but finally, I finally found a cure for my insomnia:an Emmys broadcast.

I am bonkers over Claire Danes, but after seeing her on the red carpet, my discomfort and anxiety mounted: is Claire frighteningly thin? Doesn’t she know that she is required to stay healthy to save a  middle-aged Jordan Catalano? I feel better today, I think that Claire just appears thin because she is one of the few stars without breast implants.

Natasha Lyonne & Fred Armisen come out as a couple of cool cats in love. I have nothing but praise for these two complicated lovers. I enjoy a juicy rehabilitation story and am fond of anyone involved with Saturday Night Live.

Elisabeth Moss of “Mad Men” was married to Armisen for eight months. Moss went on to term the marriage as “extremely traumatic and awful and horrible.” After their sour divorce, Armisen dated a new favorite of mine, Abby Elliott of SNL and Bravo’s “Odd Mom Out.” This funny man gets the ladies. A sense of humor goes a long way.

I’ve been in love with Natasha Lyonne since she starred in 1998’s classic coming-of-age film,  “The Slums of Beverly Hills.” In 2005, in the throes of serious drug addiction, Lyonne created her own slum in Michael Rapaport’s apartment. Lyonne’s drug-hazed odyssey resulted in open heart surgery and a booming comeback.

These are my people. Now, how do I get invited to one of their dinner parties?

Jon Hamm, do not change one thing.

I savored every step of Hamm’s much-deserved win for playing Don Draper of “Mad Men.” This man is a delicious specimen of flesh, muscle and brain.

Hamm did not walk the red carpet, probably because of the uncomfortable questions he would be asked about his recent split with his girlfriend of 18 years, Jennifer Westfeldt.

Gosh, what a shock! An 18 year romance that does not end happily ever after. The breakup is probably more due to Hamm having to star in Westfeldt’s Friends with Kids. That one was a self-indulgent stinker!

Knowing that Jon Hamm has a dark side and recently completed a stint in rehab only makes me love him more.

Rhode Island Sweeps the Emmys

It was a big night for Rhode Island (how many time can I write that?) at The Emmys. Central Falls-raised local superhero Viola Davis and Rhode Islander Richard Jenkins both won Emmys.

And, not to be forgotten: Little Rhody’s very own Olivia Culpo, Nick Jonas’ ex-love and a former Miss Universe, also had an unforgettable showing as an Emmys commentator. She pulled a Kathleen and nearly collapsed on the red carpet while talking fashion with E! News.  As a fainter myself, I understand, I have been there. Empty stomach, too much partying, it’s hard to stand up straight. Poor Olivia, I would be fainting from hysteria over not dating Nick Jonas anymore. Girl, faint your little heart out.

P.S. , Tracy Morgan is back and he is fantastic, Terrence Howard is frighteningly crazy and Peter Dinklage is unstoppable.