Everything I need to know, I learned from The Housewives. Dancing with the Stars is in the gutter.

Dancing with life's forgotten has-beens.

Dancing with life’s forgotten has-beens.

Another year of Dancing with the Stars? Calling these has-beens or never-weres stars is akin to calling me a pharmacist: My uncle and grandfather were pharmacists and I do enjoy a pill or two, but no, not quite a pharmacist.

The reason to watch this show is to watch Erin Andrews stumble with the English language and to stare at the guests of the “stars”. Ooh, I spy Bruce Willis sitting with his new wife

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

Demi is wondering is she can skin her daughter for her skin.

while his ex-wife and known nitrous oxide enthusiast Demi Moore shoots arrows from her dead eyes into their backs. What is it that Demi is clutching? Oh, it’s just her youth.

While I’m being awful, or myself, whatever you want to call it, it’s time to be brutally honest about Erin Andrews. The best thing that ever happened to her career was being spied on and filmed while undressing in hotel. The

Erin Andrews, journalist.

Erin Andrews, journalist.

film was never made public, the pervert was caught and jailed and now America knows and loves Erin Andrews. The only character America loves more than a good victim is a comeback kid. After the invasion of her privacy, Erin became a television personality without finesse, coolness or apparent intelligence, but damn, she is pretty.

The Housewives: My Spiritual & Social Guide

Teresa was practicing for prison.

Teresa was practicing for prison.

The Housewives have taught me how to navigate life while providing me with endless hours of television-viewing pleasure. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned:

More cleavage: Push those breasts up, baby; cleavage is appropriate for each and every social occasion. Children’s birthday party? Get out the push-up bra and show what you spent your ex-husband’s money on.

Don’t give up on what you care about. Housewives are like lice, they’re hard to squash: The world can’t stop a housewife in her climb to fame. Skinny mess and Beverly Hill’s wifey Taylor

Taylor, you'll always have your lips, until they leak.

Taylor, you’ll always have your lips, until they leak.

Armstrong did not allow a little snafu like her husband’s suicide stop her; she continued swilling white wine for the whole next season. She even found some other sucker to take care of her and her daughter. Cheers to her and her fake lips.

Alcohol does not cause weight gain. If you witness the sheer

Brandy, staggering.

Brandy, staggering.

volume of rosé and white wine that these housewives swill, it’s clear that excessive alcohol must not equal weight gain. Brandy Glanville is a great example of this, I’ve never actually watched her consume food, but her alcohol-intake is impressive. Her constant slur is the best thing that has happened to Leanne Rime’s career since Blue came out in 1996. Leanne stole Brandy’s hubby while Brandy was, no doubt, lost in a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately, no amount of cheap stilettos, rented mansions or cheek filler can heal Brandy’s broken heart. She’s a riveting wreck and every moment she’s on shines like the cubic zirconia on in her ears.

Plastic surgery can’t help an ugly soul.

Tamara of O.C. She's crying. I think

Tamara of O.C. She’s crying. I think

Wowza, from the menopause mammas on the O.C. to the botoxed stick figures on Beverly Hills to the butt injected urbanites on Atlanta, these ladies have had some work done. Poor Tamara from the O.C has been through a divorce, death and a custody battle and she’s not been able to frown, her face is permanently cemented into “resting bitch face”.

Vow renewal ceremonies equal impending divorce: The next

I take thee to leave soon.

I take thee to leave soon.

time you’re invited to a vow renewal ceremony, start the divorce clock; because I can assure you, it’s ticking. Vow renewals are good for a few things: ratings on reality shows and temporary forgiveness for a straying mate. New York’s wide-eyed Ramona and her hunky idiot husband Mario appeared so sincere with their customized vows, but the setting was stages: Mario soon left poor Ramona for a woman twenty years his junior.

The always-annoying and aging supermodel Heidi Klum and one-hit-wonder Seal

One day your in love, the next you're not.

One day you are in love, the next you’re not. Klum, you can leave the marriage.

renewed their vows every year, right until their bitter end. I think she gets to keep their cute kids and he keeps the unattractive ones. Seems fair.

Other failed vow renewal ceremonies: JLO & Marc Anthony- divorced one year later, Madonna & Guy Ritchie, Jon & Kate Gosselin ( I just threw up a little typing their names).

Men are necessary, but useless extravagances that have co-starring roles. Men, don’t quit your day jobs while residing in Housewives’ Hell, you come and go quicker than Brandy Glanville’s vaginal rejuvenation scars.

These ladies can throw it down: The Housewives have flipped tables, thrown wineglasses, pulled weaves, slapped and pushed each other. Much like Dynasty once was taught us, a good old-fashioned cat fight is the highest form of trashy entertainment.  The housewives never learned that it’s rude to point a finger in someone’s face, slap a friend or accidentally urinate while intoxicated (thank you Vicky). Even Andy Cohen has wrinkled many a Prada suit attempting to break up a melee.


Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Andy Cohen tries to control his cash chaos.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Vicky, we don;t know where that finger has been.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

Sisters and former child stars, finger-pointers.

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