“Peter Pan” was painful, right?

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I kept waiting for a nude Lena Dunham to fly in and save Allison Williams from destroying her mediocre career. I squinted my eyes and wished this nightmare might be a “Girls” episode where they drop acid and bully Marnie into starring in an awful community theater production. Then Rhode Island’s coolest summer resident, Christopher Walken stumbled in and I knew this was real. Real bad.

Christopher Walken spices up Block Island, R.I.

It wasn’t your night, but you still have more talent in your bosom than Ariana Grande has in her whole body.

Mariah Carey really flubbed her recent performance at the NBC Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting special. What happened to the still-relevant vixen’s worryingly weakened voice? Did Nick Cannon take three of her octaves along with half her worth?

Luckily, Miley and the Kennedy’s share the same values. It’s Camelot for millenials!

Offspring of two of America’s powerhouse families are falling in love: Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger. She, of course, of the Cyrus’ freak show family and he of the Shriver/Schwarzenegger/Kennedy dynasty.

This pairing is the ramification of cheating on your wife and secretly fathering a child with your maid. Ahhnold, you had this one coming.