2017 VMAs: I missed Jon Snow’s bum for this?

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Katy Perry’s downward spiral into irrelevance continues.

I actually missed the season finale of Game of Thrones to watch Katy Perry play host at the 2017 VMAs  while further embarrassing herself in what has already been a pretty humiliating year for this past-her-prime star. But, hey, I’ve got priorities and Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar + Lorde are high up on that slim list, well above cleaning my car, properly shaving my legs or applying to graduate school.

I want to get to the good parts, like how alive Kendrick Lamar feels, that man is spitting fire + talent like Daenerys’ dragons breathe fury.  But, you know that’s not what I really care about because T. Swizzle is back with a pouting vengeance and I’m too pudgy and suburban momesque to really get the coolness of Kendrick Lamar. I want to, I really do, but I’m just not young enough to be worthy of it all.

 

And good ol’ MTV understands people like me because the channel wasted no time in getting to the “real” performance of the evening: a premiere of T. Swizzle’s ridiculously-catchy, good-girl-gone-bad tool of reinvention: “Look What You Made Me Do.”

 

Oh, Taytay, look what you just made me do: fall in love you all over again.

Who cares that I might miss Jon Snow and dragon lady get familial on GOT? In this candy cane of cinematic perfection, Taylor goes dead like a White Walker while metaphorically digging her own grave, only to later throw all the Hollywood trash into it.  This stuff, I get.

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This ring could be yours for $60 (+shipping + handling)

See, I want to be one of those people, the people that are too smart for Taylor’s obvious marketing ploys and scheming plans to devour the world without gaining a pound. I want to be horrified by her schilling $60 snake rings on her website, but really, I want to buy that damned ring and wear it without irony. I want that ring to go with my sarcasm and smirk, just like I bet it matches Taylor’s cynicism and exhaustion with her good girl image.

How can someone that didn’t even show up to the prom end up being the queen?

Well, that’s Taylor, baby. Love it or hate it.

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This is when my heart shattered.

Ugh, and while we are hating, I hate myself for admitting that Lorde was the train wreck that you just couldn’t watch, not for one second longer than was absolutely necessary. As grueling as it is to stomach some of GOT’s torture scenes, this was worse.

Lorde’s performance pained me more than Jared Leto’s continued denial of his own hotness. I want to believe that Lorde had the flu and couldn’t sing, but she should be on the phone firing her manager quicker than Katy Perry, and that is pretty freaking quickly.

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Jared Leto just killed Jordan Catalano

Oh Jared Leto, how could you do this to me? You were my Jordan Catalano, man. I am as confused over Jared’s constant need to desecrate his God-given beauty as I am by the fact that 30 Seconds to Mars is still making music! C’mon, MTV, was every member of Fall Out Boy, Blink 182 and Good Charlotte too busy to play?

 

 

 

 

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Summertime Stickiness: ‘Suicide Squad’Style

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Life’s so sticky here in Rhode Island that even a surprise beach performance by Lenny Kravitz didn’t cool things off for long.

When even the beach breeze stings with heat, the only relief is the movie theater and the coolness that is Beck’s new song, It’s Like, Wow.

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The breakup will be magnificent.

I’m so hot & bothered by life’s ridiculousness, such as Gwen Stefani’s divorce tour and as-created-on-TV relationship with Blake Shelton that I stole a few moments of salvation watching Cara Delevigne’s eyebrows emote during Suicide Squad.

I enjoyed Suicide Squad, but who wants to read about that? If you even glance at this blog, it’s certainly not for the feel-goodness of it all, now is it? So here goes, my most scathing review of a movie that I kind of enjoyed.

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Alcohol served at movie theaters? A win for humanity.

First things first: My local theater now serves booze!

Much to my glee, and most likely due to my church-going ways, my theater now serves booze. How marvelous! Instead of paying $6 for a diet coke, slab on a few more bucks and I’ve got something special.

Like the good rebel-geek that I am, I dutifully ordered a potent alcoholic beverage and reported to the theater with a drink, a pad and a pen.

Through a haze of air conditioning and gin, this is what I thought of Suicide Squad:

  1. Will Smith as a bad guy is about as believable as me going straight.

Will Smith’s latest roles are becoming as boring as my alcoho references, right? Will Smith was good, I’m just sick of seeing him playing basically the same character over and over again.Mr. Hollywood agent, get Smith a glossy television series, the time has come and he will nail it.

2.Jared Leto is no Heath Ledger and this ain’t Shakespeare in the park.

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Jared, 30 Seconds of Mars is bad enough. You’re on thin ice as the hottest human of all time.Credit: Rich Allan/WENN.com

Why all the hoopla over Leto’s  method acting for this small and weak portrayal of the Joker? Leto’s Joker is effeminate and bony, after a few more of these theater-mixed gin & tonics, I could have put a good fight with this Joker.

It just didn’t hint at the menace that has been chatted about for an eternity regarding Leto’s on-set antics. The stories of Leto sending opened condoms, dead pigs and live rats to his co-stars are as overblown as his performance.

3.Joel Kinnaman, fresh from impersonating Eminem in every role he’s ever been in, plays a military man with an accent that gets lost somewhere along the middle of the movie.

Kinnaman got “Skwad” tattooed on his bulging bicep to celebrate this movie.  What tattoo did he get to commemorate his role in RoboCop? “Bomb?”

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Joel’s still infuriated that it took 26 episodes to solve Rosie Larsen’s murder in “The Killing.” Image credit: Max Resdefault

4. Watching Cara Delevigne act looks a lot like me trying to solve a simple algebra problem: We’re both trying incredibly hard, but in the end, it’s never right.

Poor Cara Delevigne, the model that really wants to be an actor, the troubled girl from a famous family, ripe with drug problems and eyebrows that make mine want to shrivel up and die? Yes, that ONE. She plays Enchantress and she’s really…fine.

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Cara, don’t tell anyone, but I really just like you because I dig a troubled girl.

5. Margot Robbie is a revelation as Harley Quinn.

Robbie oozes intelligence, humor, sexiness, innocence and malice in the role of psychiatrist turned psychopath. She makes the movie and watching her was watching a star being born.

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Margot Robbie, I love you.

Here’s to a Harley Quinn movie, give Ben Affleck a few more years to dry out.

P.S Watch Stranger Things on Netflix, now.