I don’t think this is going to knock anyone off their pleather recliner, but I detest the holidays. Not even a drunken Christmas party can push me into the holiday spirit. Don’t worry, I feign happiness and muddle through with the whole damned thing: I select the most outrageous tree I can find (while inwardly whining about the cost), I hide that creepy Elf on the Shelf and spend gobs of money on a bunch of presents that I know I will defiantly vacuum up in eight months.

Blame it on my bad childhood. Why not? I blame everything else on it.

So, this holiday season, I outwardly smile and squeeze into last year’s ugly holiday sweater while guzzling enough alcohol to think that Elf on the Shelf is edible. I bought myself an expensive party dress for a party that I’ve not received an invitation, and I daydream that my obsession with the Church of Scientology will someday materialize into me joining the cult and boycotting Christmas.

Ho-Ho-Ho!

But hey, there’s always important stuff to take my mind off my holiday blues.

Kayne West is a Joke without a Punchline

Even Kayne’s breakdown is boring. Can’t this guy use Britney Spears, Savior of Mental Breakdowns, as a guide? She did institutional-level madness right in 2007, she used props like an umbrella and an electric razor. Kayne’s got a porn star wife and two kids with silly names.

What is Kayne going mental over? That he sold his soul for Ray J’s gal or that he’s a complicated artist with no real art? Kayne is such an amateur, in the fashion world, his love life and with his own mental undoing.

I want to laugh at Kayne Wests’s public meltdown, but he’s not even cool enough to be funny.The man is a joke and his talent is slipping away as quickly as his marriage is dying. I don’t even know where to start: his clothing line consists of beige leotards with a passion for camel-toe and his mother died from complications of budget liposuction.

Royalty, rock stars and redheads.

How do I miss these party invitations?

I hope that Ed Sheeran was very numb on the night that Princess Beatrice sliced his pale cheek while jokingly attempting to knight one-hit wonder & “You’re Beautiful” crooner, James Blunt.

Yes, I’ve got that right. In a very unfortunate (or kick-ass) party, Princess Beatrice, daughter of toe-suckling Royal bad girl Fergie, sliced poor Ed Sheeran’s face with a sword while attempting to knight James Blunt.

I can’t believe the bloody Brits are acting out like this, when it’s the good ol’ USA that just got Trumped.

Angelina’s & Brad’s Divorce: Bleaker than ‘Allied’

Angelina appears as pissed off as she has since, well, since she was born. What did this Midwestern boy do to cause such vitriol?  This divorce is looking worse than the box-office returns of every non-animated movie Angelina has ever made, produced or even breathed on.

Make no mistake, Brad Pitt is the clear winner here. Angelina looks petty for taking their divorce so public when she’s always asked for privacy involving her army of brats, and he frees himself from Angelina’s soulless clutches. In the words of a now-deceased friend, she’s day-old donuts and he’s Brad freaking Pitt.

The Weeknd Just Saved 2016’s Pop Music

I have a real thing for The Weeknd and am happy that he released ‘Starboy’ and drugged his way back into 2016 before it quickly became the worst year of pop music on record. Let’s just forgive this Ethiopian King of Bad Boy Pop for dating permanently-scowled ‘Housewives of BH’ spawn Bella Hadid because he’s a pop star and he can.

In the world of celebrity sisters, these Hadids are better than the Kardashians & Jenners. Bella is far cooler than her older sister, Gigi Hadid, whose hosting of the American Music Awards was almost as cringe-worthy as Ciara’s stab at the same gig last year.

How did I forget that Milo V. existed?

I never realized how much I missed this vision of male facial hair done right until he strolled onto Gilmore Girls and trotted onto my worst nightmare, ‘This Is Us’. But, it’s okay, Milo, ‘Gilmore Girls’ was excellent and I appreciate how many times you disrobe on ‘This is Us.’

Yes, this is where I lose my audience, right? I’m about to make fun of the perplexingly popular drama starring fallen star Mandy Moore and that hot guy from ‘Heroes.‘

‘This is Us’ is a sucker punch to the lowest common denominator- America’s heart. What a weep fest, for a bunch of unlikable characters.Let’s throw in an obese woman, a dying long-lost father, a celebrity with low self-esteem AND a lying mother. Wow, did the writers secretly have a seat at my Thanksgiving table?

And, Mandy Moore’s acting is as bad as her portrayal of Ryan Adam’s grungy wife.

—

Well, happy holidays to you all, I am going to start on the Best & Worst of 2016 soon. Something tells me the bad may outweigh the good!

Just don’t get me any freaking Christmas gifts because I didn’t get you any.